A planned life

“You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.” – Joseph Campbell

No words are more true than these at this exact moment. 

Just go to bed. Santa clause forgot you this year.

U need something. 

I have this innate desire to be wanted. To be be need. To be love. To feel like I matter in someone life. I get why people commit suicide on this day or the next. Their is a desire as humans to be wanted and when you do not the whole world turns upside down. 

I'm not there. Trust me. But I get it. Watching. Feeling. Seeing. The love around you hurts. You wonder why you deserve to be alone. What did you ever deserve for this life lesson. It is a life lesson. You know it is. One you never deserved but one you needed to become the person you never thought you could be. 

Hurt will make you stronger. It will make you a better you. One that is confident. One that can survive Christmas and relax and realize  that this year Santa forgot all your presents. It is okay. Go to bed. 

Next year your stocking will be full. 

Merry Xmas y'all!

Well life is random. You change one appointment for another. You procrastinate making cookies till another day. Just so that the payoff is what?

A random encounter? An ex boyfriend rendezvous vous. For what? Was the reminder not enough that we are not together that I need fate to stick it to me one last time that I am alone. 

We met at a 4 dollar eyebrow Pallor. It was so random that I was me. No times for nerves. Only one decision and that was to be strong. 

Chatty, Carefree and evasive. He was awkward and stand offish. I had my dignity to maintain. 

All I want right now is something I should only ask 5 others. But I will not ask anyone. I will be alone. Cause alone is where I need to be. 

Merry fucking Christmas ya'll. let the new year roll hopefully some good times will come along.  I know I need to see it. I know I am not the only one. 

If God is in me he is a Tumor!

I'm watching an old series called OZ right now. The line struck me as very profound. It can either be one feeling very sorry for oneself or it can be the truth that God is looking down on all of us laughing. 

I'm not sure what my truth is. I know that this year I have been thrown one too many curve balls. I know I get up every morning and try. But it always seems like their is another obstacle in my way. 

Money- or lack there of, boys who don't call, friends who disappear, a longing for a best friend who probably doesn't care, a boss who is on a mission to make my life miserable. 

I feel run down, defeated. 

But I try so hard. I'm not even sure why. I'm not even sure why I find the will to wake up each day. 

Maybe that is what they all see. My pain is so transparent. I give myself away. 

Maybe it is all one big joke and someday maybe I'll laugh too. 

Thanks Tommy, it was nice to see you.

I need to write this down before it fads. 

My childhood love, who died years ago visited me last night in a dream. Since his passing years ago, he has not visited me in quite some time in my dreams. 

All I have left are impressions of him starring at me, wanting to talk to me, thinking I was special. 

There is a scene that I just woke up too where we were competing in some leg movement. Seeing who could finish all the reps faster, where we both ended up hoping up and down like mad men. Then we burst into uncontrollable laughter for how stupid we were. 

Skip back we were in French class and I sat in front of him. We were spelling out English words? The teacher was asking me about Panama and that she just needed to go after hearing about my trip. I could feel his eyes burning into my back. I could feel that someone wanted me. Someone loved me. It was nice to feel that even if it was only in my dreams. 

Thanks Tommy, it was nice to see you. 

The allure of a women

The allure of of a sexy women. The scent of a women. The grace of her neck, the pout of her lips. The intensity of her eyes.

I have been watching Mad Men for a week or so now. It always seems that men have all the power and then it struck me that women actually do. Women can wrap a man around her little finger if she knows how. 

Maybe it was another of the simple bits of Angelo's advice that he bestowed upon me that seeped into my brain. He told me once that a guy can read exactly into what the girl wants. I know it is about the chase. The allure. I thought games are childish and immature. It dawned on me that the most powerful tool you can have is confidence. He told me I was confident but I was not really not in his eyes. I realize now that I have to value myself. My self doubt was seeping through. It was giving me away. I need to separate the old from the new. I need to be confident in me. The new me. The one I am slowly discovering. 

 

It is almost sexy how you as a women can attract a man with simple words. I have the power of words. I have power of beauty. I have the power if being me. 

The allure of a women can be intoxicating. ..when she is confident. 

Life sucks

Life sucks. Plain and simple. You read your ex's blog and you realize that life sucks for him too. The magic is gone. You should get some satisfaction knowing he is miserable. But life sucks and all you can feel is a deep missing for a person who no longer exists. 

It was my moms birthday and I had my first dinner party here. I needed to keep busy cause a guest was missing. I need to always keep busy to hide my inner termoil.

A hammer discovered for a friend, a missed call in the middle of the night, a jerk telling you that you did not love, life is just treading along. 

One person, my best friend is always missing from it all. Life sucks and I want the opportunity to rewind it all. To do everything different. To learn from all my mistakes and possibly do everything different all over again. 

I wonder why I am still connected to him. He speaks in codes and I speak plainly. Like sucks and I am ready for it to not suck anymore. 

The love of your life.

What a question to ask? Did I already meet him. Did I already spend17 years with him. Will someone else be the love of my life for the next 50 or will the love of 

my life burried in my memory. 

Maybe this is just the beginning of my life becoming

A miracle has happened. My cat who has been on a grand adventure for the last month and a half has been returned to me. I am happy to report that he is fat, healthy and glued to me at all times. Since he walked in the door he has not stopped purring or sleeping. I guess being on your own for that long was very stressful and he needs to recuperate. 

I got a call around 2:30 yesterday and the women on the phone described him to a tee. I can not explain the relief that I felt when I saw his little face and I realized that it in fact him. I could not catch him. He seem to recognise me but was freaked out. He ran from yard to yard in his paranoid state. I did what I thought was necessary and called my ex to come help. (I have not seen Robert in over 6 months). 

The meeting was awkward and emotional. He finally caught the cat. I know it was a good decision to have called him. 

We parted ways. I simply walked to my car with my cat in hand and said good bye while he stood on the sidewalk and watched me drive away. There was nothing to say and everything to say. I just was not ready to say any of it. I'm not sure what he expected of me. 

He had a thumb ring on. It got to me. It was a symbol of something that I think he is not. Some person trying to be someone else. I could not stop starring at it. It was like all changes were represented in that stupid ring. 

His chick, after he posted on FB that Pepe was found need to mark her territory, like a feline in heat. Doesn't she get it. Our cat is our cat, it has nothing to do with her. This has nothing to do with you. But I guess she is an immature bitch  with zero confidence. 

I never needed to post my boyfriends picture on everything. I wonder when all of it will be taken down, when she will realize that distance for my ex will lead him straight into the arms of some other chick. What she probably doesn't realize is that if he has not done so already, he probably will start trying to hang out with old connections. She is simply a good time he had for 6 months. A catalyst that enabled him to leave me. She was the ultimate excuse. 

She scared of me. She shouldn't be she should be scared of his desire always look around in case it is greener somewhere else. He will always look cause his soul can never rest. 

My cat is back. Finally a good thing has happened. Maybe this is just the beginning of my life becoming. 

Flip the switch

So I'm wondering when I am going to be able to flip the switch on my own life. When I finally choose to realize that everything is in my control and it is up to me to look at everything with a clear, positive perspective. 

It has been over two weeks that I have an intense relationship with my couch and my Apple TV. I watch mind numbing TV for hours on end. My mood is completely negative and dark. I am fed up and I wonder what I ever did to deserve this life. 

Boys come and go. Even a delicious kiss cannot assure you that he will stick around. My ego and my confidence are taking a beating. 

I feel surrounded by my ex. He is envading my personal space. His presence is engulfing. I feel like I need to hide away in case I run into him. 

Will I see the light today, tomorrow or the next? It is really up to me to flip the switch. 

I just want another life.

Why me? Why can not anything be simple and just beautiful in my life. Why can't I just have fun for a moment and think that everything will be okay. Why don't I deserve to be happy? Not fake happy but just genuinely happy. What did I ever do to deserve all this shit. 

What did he ever do to deserve any happiness and why did he experience it for the last 6 months. Will there be justice. Will he suffer now that he is back? Will he realize everything that is gone? Will he finally morn me?

I am finished being me and any variation of me. I am so fed up. I just want another life. Why is this mine?

On Oct 8, 2013

A smile at the end of the rainbow

I went to my old place for the last time tonight. I walked around and it did not feel like my home anymore. I feel no love for the old place. I feel no pride in the old place. I feel like it looked dirty and dingy. I basically felt nothing. It is no longer my home it is just a house. 

As I drove away with tears in my eyes, I looked behind me and the most beautiful rainbow appeared. I smiled to myself and realized like in every good book, symbolism can mean so much. You just have to open your eyes to the beauty that is front of you and not look back at the past. That rainbow represented a brighter future for me. I just have to be willing to see all the rainbows and smile. 

Time traveller wife?

Last night I had the most bizzare dream. Robert time travelled to me. I was on my parents couch and he suddenly appeared. It was parents old couch. We just looked at each other and everything was weird but fine between us. He was underneath a blanket and he was holding on to something. It was a strange animal that was half monkey and half penguin. He insist that he needed to show me this. It was important that I look and hold it and figure out what combination of animal it is. He wanted to kiss me in my dream. I wanted him too and did not want him too. We didn't. Then Robert was sitting on the stairs and David came down and gave him a kiss.  

Not sure what that bizzare dream means. I know he is back this Thursday and I know that Pepe is still missing. Maybe it is just my brains way of assimilating a new reality: A reality that starts in 5 days. 

Nothing will change in my life once he is back. We will not see each other, nor talk. I guess the only way I will allow him into my life is in dreams where I have no control. I was the time travellers wife in my dream last night. 

But really I am not Claire and our love story is not one that will continue in the future, past and present. 

Simply a delicious kiss

So after a month or so of texting and speaking on the phone, I finally met my chill, younger boy. He is cute, funny and really quiet. 

We shared the most delicious kiss at the end of the night. It was on of those kisses that you wish you could just last all night and it did. Well sort of. 

Just cause it was me.

This is me. No anger towards you just totally scared and hopeless. I turn towards you cause you love Pepe. 

I just walked and posted the streets extending myself in a radius much farther than my house. It is 5:30 in the am. The time they say is best to search for a cat. I have done this all week. I have searched at night too. When I believe he would not be as scared and respond to my voice. 

I do not know where he is. I do not know what to do anymore. It is a week tomorrow. 

The weather is warm. We missed our appointment this week cause he is missing. I just want my cat back. The one who has been totally in love with me. The one who meowed all night and kept me up for days cause he was scared. The one who if I patted my bed would jump right in and when I petted him would quiet down. Just cause it was me. 

The real world

I'm gonna state the facts and leave all emotion out of my message. I figured you might possibly care to know about the real world. 

Pepe has been missing since Saturday night. He been out and about for about a week and had stayed in my new place without going out for 3 long weeks of cuddling and meowing. I let him out Saturday around 7 and I have not seen him since. I was home and ready for him to come in at any time. 

I have gone to the SPCA filed a report, the Berger blanc, I have posted pictures all over my neighbourhood, I walk the streets, early morning and at night. David knows to look out for him. Neighbours have called to say they saw him Monday or Tuesday. I walk the streets calling his name. Is he mad? Is he lost. I know he is not dead. I hope he is not dead. Would that be better than a scared cat lost wondering where I am?

I know we once had a conversation that if Pepe would have died instead of tigger cause of his aliments I would be okay. I am not okay and I take it back. 

I spread his cat piss around my neighbourhood so he can pick up his scent. 

Not sure why I am contacting you other than I think you might care about your cat and should know. 

The real world continues even if you are not part of it. 

Perfectly perfect for right now.

My new boy is much younger. He is really fun, funny and the exact amount of mellow that I require in my life right now. 

He is a distraction. A good distraction. One where I can totally immerse myself in a world of make believe, fun and generally just feeling giddy at all times. 

He can make me forget for just a min or two how much things in my life are up side down. How my heart hurts cause my kitty cat is lost out there. How my anger boils over when I think of Robert. 

He is a calming force. He makes me smile. He is perfectly perfect for right now!

I want my kitty cat to come home right now!

My dear sweet cat has been missing for almost 48 hours now. I have searched and search and have not found him. I am trying not to panic but something tells me my last morning with him was Saturday where we cuddled on the couch together! He purred and purred and wanted affection. We have been deeply in love once I moved. He has been a true champion and hasn't complained too much about not being able to go outside.  

I really hope that of all things that have gone wrong this year that this is not one of them. I am constantly looking outside for him. My heart is beginning to hurt. I want my kitty cat to come home right now!

I wish I had asked why years ago.

If our whole lives together he was unsure, always looking for the next romantic love story why was he with me. Why could he never let me go? Why did he live with me, buy a house with me? Why? Why? Why?

He was constantly searching. Why was he with me? Why did he fuck with my head so bad? Why did he just not leave me alone or break up with me years ago. Why did he keep me around? Why did he always look around? Why? Why? Why?

I wish he had. I wish he would have left me years ago. I wish I had really looked at him and seen who he really was. I think my mind was so clouded by my heart that I really never saw how unfulfilled he was with us. I wish I had asked why years ago. 

Fingers crossed!

So I went on a date tonight with a friend of a friend. In theory he is probably every I should want. If I was that girl looking to add up all the pluses He does add up. Good job, honest, nice guy. 

But really at this point who wants that.  I have a really hot guy that I am talking to that I have not met.  But he for some odd reason gets me going. No idea why but he does. 

I'm not ready for a good guy. I need my time to explore. Construction Steve Is actually a boy I pray that sticks around. 

Fingers crossed. 

Amy and Tara take Miami!

Last minute trip. An adventure!

I finally feel like I did something for myself. I took the opportunity to do something spontaneous. I feel wild, I feel like myself, I feel calm. 

I took an Ativan an hour before we arrived at the airport and I was perfectly fine. It felt refreshing to know that I did not need Robert to travel. I can rely upon myself. I am stronger and I did not even realize it until I walked onto the plane and all the decisions were my own. Past memories flooded my brain. Past panic attacks on planes, on trips, all seem like a thing of the past. I feel strong! I feel empowered, I feel like I have a purpose. 

I am here in Miami and I am ready to take it on. 

I just sat outside, breathed in the salty air and realized that i'm going to be okay. All I need is me. I'm happy that I am reconnecting with myself. I feel like I can finally breath. 

I will say goodbye on my own terms.

I move tomorrow. It is so bittersweet. It is exactly what I need yet I am not there yet. I am not ready to say goodbye. 

I have to be so strong tomorrow. I have to hide my emotions. I have to be a rock. I have to be okay for everyone around me. 

I will say goodbye on my own terms. Just  me, my house and all my memories. We will have our time together. We will say goodbye to each other and then we will move on. My house will find a new person to love it and I will find a way to love myself. 

And then you know.

You send the love of your life a letter. A letter where you bear your heart, your soul, your thoughts. You ask him finally let you free. You expect a reaction. An email a something. 

And you wait. You read his next post and it is all about creepy crawlers. He really could not give a shit about  you and it hurts. It really hurts. Realizing you mean so little to someone who meant the world to you. That losing a precious part of your soul is not even worth a mention. 

Live that grand adventure. I bet it will fulfill you to your dying day. And hold your hand while you die. 

Small boxes, big boxes

That is my life right now. Packing away everything that meant anything to me into boxes. My life is a bit in shambles. I am a tad bit fucked up right now. I am trying to do the best that I can with what I have. I am broken in so many way but stronger in so many other ways. I am trying to process it all and really survive and thrive. I want to overcome. I want to be me again. The real me. She has been gone for years. The one I was with did nothing to ever to encourage her to come out and play. 

My life is in small and big boxes. I will find myself in one of those boxes. That I am sure of.  

On me and Pretty Boys:)

My friends say I have a problem. I am into pretty boys. I can't help it. Physical attractiveness is very important to me. I'm not looking right now for a new boyfriend but rather someone pretty to look at and spend time with. I mean the person must be interesting, intelligent, funny and kind. 

Moving forward, literally!

So I signed away my life last week. I am the bittersweet proud owner of a condo. I get to walked into my condo this Thursday for the first time in 4 months. I hope I did not make a mistake. 

I am so stressed about everything right now. I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I'm not sure if I am coming or going. I have so much on my mind. I am worried that I can not afford this place. That I am sacrificing a life for a home. But who am I kidding, I have no life right now. I simply exist. I am moving forward, literally like a ghost. 

A silent scream

My car got bashed in today. I was driving. It was very scary. I wanted my person to talk to. I lost it at work. Cried in the bathroom. My boss was a dick. Did the whole why can't you bring your car in on your free time. 

I spent the night with my ex's friends. All I wanted to do tonight was crawl into a little ball. My car, I care about nothing  But not having my person here killed me. I needed him so much and he was not here.

I am so tired if being unhappy. I want to be happy now. I am ready. I need to smile. I need to smile I need to just be me without all my fucked up thoughts. 

I spent the night wanting to scream silently until I burst. I can only take so much. 

BFF what?

So I've been chatting with a guy for about three months now. We've actually shared alot of our lives. He told me about being married, about cheating and how that has impacted his life. I in turn told him all about Robert, our life and our demise. Most of these interactions took place over text and email. 

I started telling him about all my adventures and he did the same. 

And then we met and BFF what? is all I have to say. 

Too bad that my online BFF is probably a typical guy cause I could have used a friend.  He was fun to confide in, share and just generally be stupid with. 

Maybe I should have just left it as BFF. 

Too bad cause my BFF was exactly the distraction I needed. Cute, fun and a bad boy.  

Why is he buying milk?

He is living with the girl now. How do I internalize that on a rational level? How can I not hate him for playing house with a little Indian lady? How did my life get so messed up? Why is it that everyone around me is happy? Has children? Has someone whose loves them? Why is this happening to me? What did I ever do to deserve this?

Why is he happy and does not know what loneliness is? Why do I feel like no will ever love me? Why is he buying milk?

What the fuck am I doing??? Where is life headed. Why is he so fucking happy. Why does he deserve that????

Someone like you

Adele said it best. 'Never mind I'll find someone like you, I wish nothing but the best for you too, just don't forget me'

I emailed him this song yesterday night. The words just spoke to me.  The music, the beat of the drum, the intensity of her voice touched my soul. I felt for a moment that someone actually understood my pain. Someone had actually lived to sing about it. 

I listened to the song over and over last night. Till about four in the morning. I listened to it until the tears dried up on my face. 

Her whole album is like a tribute to my pain. I listen to the album almost daily. Each day, a new song speaks to me. I hear the hidden message. It is like Adele is whispering directly in my ear that- She gets it!!

In a funk

I'm just in a strange mood. My thoughts are all over the place. I am thinking too much about him. He is on my mind. 

I don't know if I am coming or going. I don't really know what I am doing right now. I'm not sure I am making any if the right choices right now. Am I really having fun? Whom am I doing all of this for. 

People encourage me. Clap me on the back but can I really do the same back to me. 

This is not me. Is it a new me? One that is experiencing her youth at the ripe age of 34. 

I'm just in a funk. 

Today I will eat a strawberry in his memory.

2 years ago on this day my kitty cat died. 

We moved into our new place and a couple of months later he was run over by a car. 

I just came from grocery shopping. Robert was gone for the evening and was sleeping at the pad. And tigger ran out. Since we had moved in I had been hesitant about letting the cats out because I was nervous they would get lost. 

That evening while watching tv and having a bowl of ice cream. I heard cars screeching. I thought nothing of it at the time. 

By the next morning Tigger had not returned. I had searched frantically for him all morning. At around 12, the vet called me and said someone found my cat. Did he gave a red colour? He was dead. They gave me a number to call. Some person had seen the accident and had brought tigger home. 

I ran upstairs to David and asked for him to call and verify. I just could not face calling someone to ask if it was really tigger. 

David held me while I sobbed until Robert came home and took me in his arms for the next 2 days. 

We slept in eachothers arms. We took walks. We cried. We walked the street looking for any trace of where it happened. 

I know that night. I heard him die. I wish I would have gone to look. Maybe I could have held him in my arms while he took his last breath. 

That day when we got the news. We went to go pick him up. I still remember exactly where it was.

He was in a box. We knelt down on the ground and touched his soft fur and whispered sweet nothing's into his ear. He was so stiff. But he looked like he just taking a cat nap in the sun. 

To play tribute to my dead sweet cat, we went strawberry picking the next day. Today I will eat a strawberry in his memory. 

I miss you tigger. 

It was a bag of seashells that got me.

I packed 4 boxes before I finally broke down and cried. It was a bag of seashells that we saved from our trip to Costa Rica/Panama that got me. There is no real symbolism to them but some how that bag of seashells reminded me of every trip we will never take together. It reminded me that he is on an adventure with another girl.

I knew that packing would be hard. It is actually overwhelming. There are so many things to go through. I have to decide who gets what. I don't even know how to make a decision about any of it.

I am so lost right now.

The age old conundrum.

I'm bored. That's really the problem here. I am so used to having him around that time alone is no longer a pleasure but a prison of thoughts, desires and lack of conversation.

The question is should I text or not. I am so new to this game that I do not know the rules. Texting implies what? Should I just let it be? But I want to see him.

Ahh, the age old conundrum. I wish it were all so simple.

Games. Who would of thought.

And then they call you back. Men are strange. I never realized how much until now. I never had to spend time figuring them out.

It's funny how you want one to call and then the other does. Maybe hard to get is really where it is at.

Games. Who would of thought. They really work.

Dating lesson number one completed.

Hell hath no furry, like a woman scorned

I have a bit of a rage issue going on. I can not think of him without my blood boiling. I am so angry at him right now that I can longer remember why I ever loved him.

He is a liar, a cheater and a bum. He believes in immediate gratification and can not get past his own selfish needs.

I have immense hate for the boy. He is not even a man. He is child. He ran away and left me to pick up all the pieces.

Play my little one. Hell hath no furry like a woman scorn. You my dear have lost your best friend and you do not even realize it. I can not look at you in the face without wanting to spit on you.

I never in my life thought that I would ever have feelings of hate towards you but you pushed me there. Your words, your actions, your total disregard for my feelings. You lit incense for my happiness. You make me laugh. I find your actions amusing.

You could not find the right words to write me a good bye letter. I spent 18 years with you. Tell me the truth you loser, you were too busy playing to stop and think about me.

Play Robert. Play for the rest of your god damn life. I really do not give a shit anymore.

You wanted me to bloom. Well I have and I realize that my heart does not have room for an asshole like you.

I was too good for you. I was too understanding. You do not deserve me. You created this little ball of furry.

Oh to sleep

These none sleeping nights are killing me. My mind will just not shut down. I'm so tired my mind and body can't seem to relax.

I try everything to sleep. Tonight is just one if those night where you just have to accept that sleep might just not happen.

You will face the day exhausted and pray that tomorrow your brain will shut off.

Construction Mike

And then you meet a really hot guy and you wonder could you be ready to have some fun?

It has been fun to label the guys I meet based on name and occupation. It makes everything so much more light hearted and less serious.

This is my time to have fun. Meet people, enjoy their company and play.

I've never done that before. I was always in love with Robert. I wasn't interested. I always thought everything had to be so serious.

Well life has been too serious for me in the last 6 months. My heart, my mind and my body are ready to laugh.

Welcome Construction Mike into my little funhouse.

It hurts.

The pain I feel is so lonely. I hurt so deeply. It hurts so much. I never want to feel this way again. Nothing can help me now. My tears drench this post. My heart is hurt. It hurts!

Love, life and happiness.

Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me.

Today I received a letter from him apologizing for everything he has put me through. He does regret anything except hurting me.

He thinks we were at the end of our ropes. I know one of us was and the other was pushed there.

Anyways, it is my birthday today. He is not here. And that is okay. I have plenty if people who value and cherish me.

34 will be the year that I find love, life and happiness. I will become me. I will become independent and healthy. This is a promise to myself. I see myself changing already.

I wonder if he blew out a candle for me?

Tomorrow is my birthday. I have this unsettling feeling that something is missing.

My day is jammed packed with hair cuts, pedicures, late lunch, late dinners and obviously drinking. I wanted it that way. I needed it to be that way so that I do not have a moment to think.

It's the day before my birthday I will definitely cry if I want too. At midnight I will be 34 years old. I have never spent a birthday without him. This day is making me depressed.

I doubt that he will even think about me for a second. It's already my birthday in India. I wonder if he blew out a candle for me? And made a wish.

Maybe, this is the new way of being.

I wonder what happened. I'm cool with what went down but I wonder what happened. The mystery kills me. I have no expectations, no desire other than curiosity. I wonder.

Maybe this is the new way of being.

Slap yourself in the face.

Ever re-read your past posts and wonder who that person was? Do you ever want to slap yourself in the face?

Thank god I am no longer that person anymore. Maybe I needed to be her in order to be me now. Maybe.

But I would really like to slap her.

Good old fashion fun

So when a guy asks you out on a date what do you do? Say yes or run for cover?

This guy has held my interest for a few weeks now. That is a very rare thing. We have never met but have shared so many intimate details.

He doesn't want anything from me and I do want anything from him. It is nice. I have no expectations, no commitment, no drama. It is just good old fashion fun.

But yet, I am scared to meet him. I have not been on a date for over 10 years. I know I am charming and fun over the phone and am a riot over text but in person I feel shy. I feel like I am not date ready. Call me insecure. Maybe a date just exactly what I need to become confident. Maybe good old fashion fun is exactly what I need.

Get Gone

Fiona Apple says it best. The words of the song Get Gone. reflect my sentiments exactly.

We could never, ever be together again. Too much has been said and done to me to be able to ever forgive him. He is off in never-never land and he does not even give a shit about me. We spent 18 years on and off together and I feel cast aside. I feel like I never meant anything to him. I feel like I am a distant memory.

I understand the feeling of having a new interesting person looking at you with a clear perspective. I understand the allure of someone new to explore.

What I can't understand is who this person is. He is a cold bastard. His heart has closed up for me. You can say we are best friends but you do not treat your best friend this way.

It still hurts. It hurts in another way but it hurts all the same. My heart doesn't want to think about him anymore. I want him to Get Gone.

Dreaming

I told you, when you miss me, to close your eyes, and I would visit you in your dreams.

Every night, in random ways, you are in my dreams. I wonder, if you are visiting me or my brain desperately wants to see you so it invents scenarios where we get to meet.

Whatever the reason, it is nice to finally see your face and talk to you.

I miss my best friend.

Plain and simple at the core of it, I miss my best friend very much so. I miss talking to him, telling him things, asking for his opinion. I just miss him. Sometimes everything else just doesn't matter, I just miss him so much in my life. I know he is so much more than that. But deep down he was the best of best friends that I will ever, ever hope to have.

I miss my best friend.

All you need.

'All you need to survive is only one person who truly loves you'

A giddy feeling.

Some days a giddy feeling creeps up into your soul. You feel happy, you feel euphoric, you feeling feel like yourself. You feel like you are taking control of your life. You can finally see the sunshine behind all the clouds. You see the light at the end if the tunnel and you realize that you deserve to be happy and maybe just maybe you can actually be happy.

You still miss, you still long but you finally accepted that you are not a match made in heaven or else none of this would have happened.

Maybe a boy texting you all day long with the promise to talk makes you smile. Maybe just knowing that you are in control makes life a little more interesting.

All I know is that I have a giddy feeling deep in my soul and I want to continue to feel like this forever. I've had enough pain in the last couple of months that I finally want to be part of my own life instead of watching it pass me by.

Love this giddy feeling!!

A welcomed distraction.

Sometime people enter into your life at the exact moment you need alittle distraction. A time when everything seems overwhelming. Sometimes an all night text-a-thon can be exactly what you need to reminded that you are an interesting, fun, sexy girl with alot to say. Maybe he just wants to get into your pants or maybe he want to see your mind. Whatever the reason, it is welcomed break from reality. It is nice to think about someone else for alittle while and not be so focused on me. He is a welcomed distraction that I plan on keeping around until I don't.

You do not see me

And I do not see you.

We have and always will be strangers.

And when you have shed your last tear

Some things happen for a reason. Sometimes you can accept information presented you with a cool and calculating mind. One that is not swayed by love, hurt and missing.

Sometimes you realize you just shed your last tear and you can move on. You see the situation as clear as can be. You realize that he would never have been happy with you and in turn you would have been miserable.

He is not worth any more tears. You have shed your last tear for a boy who is long gone and has probably been gone for quite some time now. Maybe we were both in make believe land.

It is really too bad that he always thought the grass was greener somewhere else. I think if he would have just given into our love and not searched we could of had a blazing love story. But I guess that is neither here nor there. That is not what life handed down to us.

This is my time. He no longer deserves any of it. I have spent too many hours blaming, thinking, evaluating, second guessing, cry and screaming. I have shed my last tear for you my dear sweet Kamikaze Baby.

The sun is finally shinning in my eyes.

The book of Robert

And I suddenly realized almost 2 weeks into your adventure that you do not give a shit about me. You are not even thinking of me. You do not miss me. You have found a way to escape reality and you are happy now. Your responsibilities, me, your life back here are all a distant memory. You are running and playing. You are rolling around in that grass watching the world get greener. I am not part of that world. I do not fit in. I was not invited nor am I welcomed. I think you are so relieved to finally be away from me and our life that you do not give a shit about me.

I really need to take advice from the book of Robert.

I have a couple of questions

Weird to dream of someone you do not know.

I found her number. I called her. We chatted about this and that and I could see why he liked her. She could have been one of my friends. I said okay I guess there is nothing left to say. I just wanted to end the conversation with please take care of him. She interrupted my train of thought and said I just have a couple of questions for you. Music from my radio blared, the tv was on and dad was talking to me about the pool temperature. I could not hear if she even asked any questions. I tried to turn everything off. I awoke and wondered what she wanted to ask me.

The ocean

You posted a picture of the Bombay ocean. You know the ocean is my most favourite place on the face off the earth. There is something so magical, so calming and so beautiful about the waves lapping across the sand. You know that i know she showed it to you. Why do you not care about me? You said not to look. Everyone says I am punishing myself. Why do you not care when you know I might look. I want to look at the ocean with you. I miss you so. The ocean is our place. You know it.

Just to say your name.

I miss you so much. I am keeping everyone around. Talking to everyone and anyone who will listen. Maybe if I say your name out loud, I will not miss you as much. I think about you all the time. I have so much to tell you. So much I want to run by you.

I spoke to your father today. It was nice to say goodbye and thank you. I also know he loves me and loved me being part of your family.

I spent time with your brother during the week. I feel like if I keep everyone around. You are still here. It has been nice to know how much everyone cares about me.

I bought a condo. I am figuring out my finances. I am making my own decisions. Seeking advice from all the right places. I am moving forward physically and mentally.

My heart is just not there yet. I want to speak about you all the time. Because for that moment you are real to me and not part of my imagination.

The man who makes you cry

The man who makes you cry more than he can ever make you smile is not the man for you. The man who runs away into the arms of another is not the kind of man you would ever want to be with. The man who plays with your heart is not the man you need. The man who cowards behind you and blames you for everything is not strong enough to be with you. The man who gives up on you does not deserve to touch your heart again. The man who runs forward without a second glance is not worth it. The man who breaks your heart into a million little pieces and then stomps on it is not a man.

Exciting things depress me

So I am condo shopping. Saw a condo for the second time today with my parents. It has everything I want. It is in the area I want, it has parking, air conditioning, it has two bedroom. It is big and has alot of closet space.

An exciting time should be exciting to me instead it reminds me of everything that I am loosing. It makes me angry. It makes my heart fill up with hate.

I hate him. I really, really do. He is not thinking of me. He is there and he has already forgotten me.

My life is so empty right now. Nothing makes me happy. Nothing makes me smile. All I have is pain and hate.

Am I ready to buy a condo. No. But it does not really matter does it. I should be excited but I am depressed.

Dream world

I had the most delicious dream this morning. Robert came home for a quick visit. We could not be separated. He was attentive, loving and would not leave my side. Even Jean said, maybe things would workout after all. His behaviour could alter the future. After all our fates are in our own hands.

I feel asleep and he was gone. I searched for him but did not find him.

Now I know why Robert prefers fantasy to reality. I wish I never woke up. I wish I was still in that dream. I wish our reality would change. I wish I could go back a year into my life where my life was actually a dream and wake up and never make the same mistakes again.

Breakout kings, survivors and lost

Do you see a theme here? I watch one episode at a time. One series at a time. I try to pass the lonely hours by watching mindless tv.

I am glued to the couch. I don't feel like moving. Talking to anyone. Seeing anyone. I just want to be lost in another world. A world where hope will never die, the good guys always win and people fight for their survival.

I have never felt so alone in my life. No one can take away my pain. All I want to do is crawl up into a little ball and weep. Maybe, if I keep watching these series, for a little while, I can lose myself in someone else's story and forget mine.

I'm trapped in Bombay

I am in my own personal hell right now. I am trapped in Bombay time. I wonder at every minute what he doing, seeing, thinking. Is he with her? Does he like her? Does he miss me? Is he thinking about me? Why did he not send my letter yet?

I thought it would be easier for him not to be here. I am trapped in Bombay and I want to get out.

And when it hits.

I can keep myself as busy as a bee. Pre-approving a mortgage. Searching for condos. Putting offers on condos. Talking to people. Having supper with friends.

But the minute everything quiet downs, for even a second and I take a minute to breath. I realize that you are not here to share. I end up missing you. I want to hear your voice, your opinion on things.

I walk around the house discussing thing with you to dead ears. Somehow it makes me feel closer to you. You can't hear me but I feel like I am talking to you while I prepare supper or do the laundry. Who am I kidding, I do not cook anymore.

You are not dead but you might as well be.

Last goodbye

Yesterday was our last goodbye. I know we are over. There is no Amy and Robert anymore and there never will be. I just want him to get on that plane and get out of my life. I can not live in this house anymore. I need to leave and fast.

He has hurt me so much. I could never be with him again. He is a liar, a cheater and a child trapped in a mans body. The Robert I fell in love with is gone. He is someone else now. The years I lived with him were lies. I was in it and he was not.

I am tired of crying. I am tired of caring about him and his feelings. He is a selfish individual. All he cares about is himself and his guilt. The boy is not living in reality. He is fucked up and I hate him.

This will be our last goodbye. I promise you that. I will never let him back into my life.

The countdown is on, I guess.

Our time left can only be measured in minutes. He is gone in less than 3 days. I am trying so hard to keep it together. Panic is starting to dig her heals in.

But I must be strong. I must focus on myself. I must not give in to the panic. I must realize that I have take care if myself. He is off on an adventure and I must be on one too. My adventure is called my life.

We were not meant to be. If we are nothing and no one will stand in our way. Even ourselves.

I have to embrace this opportunity. Life is about me now. I must heal myself, grow and become the real Amy. My life is no longer defined in terms of another. It should have never been that way.

You can pray, repeat mantras and cry. But realize that the hardest part will be over soon and life will get better. You have to take the bull by the horns. Take any comfort that you can.

He is on a journey. He is pursuing a relationship with another. He is nervous, excited and impatient for his new life to start. He needs to do this. He needs to test out his heart.

You need to find strength in you that is all about you. Not about if we meet again. You do not want to cry any more. You want to laugh and enjoy life.

You need him to be gone. You will never grow if he is here. You will always be tangled together. You do not need for his new relationship to be thrown in your face at every turn.

He is right. You can not read. You can not spy. You can not torture yourself any more. You have no control over what happens over there. The only control you have is over your own life.

Live each day, stop planning for the future, stop examining the past. You need to just live. You need to live in the moment. Be present in your own life. Value you. You cannot fall apart. You need to summon the inner strength you know you posses. You need to pick you. You know he did.

You have to take care of yourself. Make each day that you are alive and breathing a gift to yourself. Live and seek adventure each day.

Love yourself and the rest will come. Set immediate goals. Push yourself. You are in a relationship with yourself.

What he does, does not do is no concern of yours.

Grow and become you.

There is peace in being heard.

One of the most amazing things is to bear your heart and soul to another and feel like the words and truths you are speaking have been heard. There is peace is being heard. When you no longer feel like you have to defend. When you can speak honestly and freely and not worry about judgement.

I feel like we had a good talk. I asked for something to give me peace and I got it. Thank you.

Sign on the dotted line

Today I sign away my home.

Too much has been said to be unsaid

I lost it last night. The anger boiled up inside me and spewed out all over Robert. All the repressed anger I had about him, the girl, his ability to give up on me on us so easily.

He told me he is done. Our relationship has run it's course. There is no hope for us. The conversation turned ugly. He insulted me, blamed me and made me feel like it was all my fault. I was not present enough, I had too much self pity, I never achieved my goals. He said he always carried me but I was not there for him. I failed him.

I was there for him he just never saw me. He always thought I did not understand, I could not offer him solace.

Too much was said last night to be unsaid. I fear that too much was said that we can not spend his last few days together. There is too much hurt, too much anger and too much pain.

He no longer loves me. The distance between us has can no longer be mended. We have become two strangers.

It kills me. I just lost my best friend.

Love yourself my little Amy

You are strong. He is not the one for you. If he is the one for you he needs to realize it all on his own. You are letting him go. If he comes back to you then it was truly meant to be. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to experience true love. You deserve to be treated like a queen. You deserve to be with someone who thinks they can not live with you you. You have to let him go to keep him. You deserve to be happy for the rest of your life. You will search until you find someone who values you for you. Someone who thinks the moon and the sun shine out if your ass. You deserve to be cherished, adored, and loved. You want to be with someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with you. Someone who can not bear the thought of being apart from you. Someone who wants to have children with you and grow as a couple together. You deserve all that life has to offer you because you are amazing and you cannot and will not ever let a boy define your self worth.

You can no longer believe in the couple you can only believe in you. He has made all his choices, whether they are mistakes or not are yet to be discovered. You will not fall apart. You are strong.

You have nothing to prove to him. You only have to prove to yourself that you are worth it. Love yourself my little Amy and become the person you always wanted to be.

Boston. Destiny. Path.

When we at Niagara last year, we spoke of going to the Boston Marathon for him to race. It looks like life changed our destiny. We could have been there. We could have the ones who got hurt or god forbid died. I could have been desperately searching for him, scared out of my mind. Wondering where he is.

I guess life has a plan for us after all and we on the the right one.

'Happiness is a warm gun'

This statement got me thinking that he is so focused on his own happiness. I am just collateral damage.

Why am I not thinking of my own happiness. Why I am so focused on him? My happiness should be my top priority. I deserve to be happy. My heart is so tired of being sad that I think it is my turn to sore. I want to be happy. I am so tired of tears. I just want to laugh.

Not sure when the music stopped.

Certain memories can be trigger by a song. When, I was younger, I used to always associate people to certain songs or bands.

For example, Robert when I was younger was Moist. When I was older he became Radiohead and the Beatles.

When we were in Nice and were driving away from the city that stole from us it was The Beastie Boys blasting on the radio. When we were driving around British Columbia. It was a mix of Blondie and The Doors that we listened to over and over.

Aerosmith has always been the band I associate with my best friend. We went to so many concerts together. We used to sing Amazing, Crazy and What it takes on the way to clubs drunk. All the time.

My friend from Juan and Juanita used to always be defined by daft punk, and Portus Head. Along with anything Techno or Drum and Base.

When I lived with my roommate, we used to have kitchen party night and dance around like fools all around our apartment.
Black eyes peas and Franz Ferdinand were on auto play.

When my cat died last year, Imogene Heap played in the car while drive to pick strawberries and deal with the pain.

Now the music had stopped. I feel like my life has gone silent. I can't seem to hear anything anymore.

When will I be able to hear again?

My everything

And this is it. The moment I have been dreading for the last 3 months. I am so scared. How can i not talk to him for 6 months? I feel like I am losing a part of me. I feel so lost, so overwhelmed. I feel like I am going to lose it. The love of my life is walking out the door and we will not be apart of each others lives anymore. I won't know what he is thinking anymore, I won't hear his voice, his laugh, see his face, have his arms wrapped around me. I won't hear about all his adventures. I will not see him grow, achieve and smile.

I have lost my best friend, my soul mate,my confident, my everything.

When he walks on to that plane I am not sure how I will ever breath again.

I just want to go to sleep and wake up when all of this is over. I thought I was strong but I'm really not.

VISA approved. Next stop India.

I can't breath. The tears are brimming over. My heart is on a one way ticket to India.

I need to find the strength deep inside me. All I want to do is crawl up into a little ball.

butterflies in my belly.

Is this a love story that everyone will talk about? What I do with the butterflies in my belly? What do I do with the loneliness? What do I do about the constant longing?

Should I still have butterflies for the future?

Who would have ever though fruits and veggies could cause a breakdown?

Grocery shopping, once a joyous occasion has now become a chore. Done out of necessity rather than the desire to feed a family. I wander down the aisle and wonder what to buy, who am I buying it for, why even bother. I choke down tears while I search the aisles, trying to find my favorite food that only I like.

Should I start a rad new diet all about me? Should I only buy weird food that only I like? Should I still buy espresso and ice creme sandwiches for him when he comes over? The desire to "care" takes over and I cave in and buy the junk.

I look around at all the food and it is crazy how visually ramen noodles can start a flow of memories....and a slow ache in my heart.

I remember the first time he made that dish for me. We were at David apartment a long, long time ago and we ate it in a white dish that I had bought for him for that very purpose. He had just come back from China and was convinced that soup for breakfast, lunch and diner was where it was at. We were not going out at the time. Fast forward to years later in our apartment and he made the same dish again except this time he bought these sticky, mushy mushrooms for me (I love mush and he hates it)...it was totally disgusting...but it was a great memory. This soup has been a staple in our house when we wanted to be exotic and healthy...we used to shop at Chinese stores just to find the perfect broth..

I pack my fridge like I am feeding an army and then every week, I end up throwing half of it out...I really do not feel like cooking anything that I have bought...

I always loved grocery shopping with him. I asked him to come very chance I got!! I miss the way he used to annoyingly read the labels, the way he always wanted junk, the way he used to grab my ass in the aisles when no one was looking.

Who would have ever thought that grocery shopping could cause a breakdown.

Who ya gonna call, Your Ex girl friend!!

This weekend has been tough. This weekend has confused me about him and my feeling towards him. I am confused about what he feels about me anymore. If he actually has any feeling left that are not friendship based.

When your shoulder breaks, who ya gonna call, Your Ex girlfriend!

Since Friday, I have been taking care of Robert. He is probably one of the worst patients alive. He is moody, angry and in extreme pain. He is also bored and bitchy. He is demanding and does not seem to realize everything I am doing for him. Or the reason why I am doing it. It is not to get him back. Nope, rather because I love him. I can't bear to see him in pain.

Will anyone ever take care of him the
way I do? Does he even realize that?

Lost, confused and unsure.

I should hate you. I should be so mad at you. I should not be accepting and understanding, Amy anymore.

You lied to me. You cheated on me. You made a fool out of me. You betrayed our love and our small family. You ruined our future. You probably ruined any grain of trust that I could ever have in you.

I started looking at condos yesterday. I almost had a panic attack when I walked into the first place. I felt like I was outside my own body.

I have never felt so alone in my whole life. I have never felt so un-motivated in my whole life. I have never felt as unsure about me and my future as I do right now.

I do not know who I am anymore. Everything is changing around me and I feel like I have nothing to hold on too. I feel like I am loosing my grip.

I am so lost.

Fake it until you make it.

You have days where u feel like yourself for hours at a time. You laugh, joke with friends, work hard but then the night settles in and you are all alone trying to fill up the lonely hours. That is when the tears start and they don't seem to want to stop.

You talk to friends. They are too busy for you. They have kids to run after. You try your mother and she has your dad to take care of. And she is fed up of listening to you. You try your dating site. All is empty. You are trying to desperately to fill the hours before you go to bed

You want to connect with anyone cause the person you really want to connect with is not here.

You move on with your life. Make appointments to see condos you are not interested in seeing, text random guys that are too young for you. Plan to run races with paint thrown at you. All in an attempt to fill a void that only one person can fill.

You are trying desperately to fake it until you make it.

I think everyone can see right through me.

Ache in my belly

The count down is on. I know I pretend to play a good game but the reality is that not speaking to him for 6 months freaks me out. My belly is all twisted up. I feel like I can't breath. I feel like I will not be able to breath for 6 months.

The reality is, only a hand full of people will intimately feel his the depth if his departure. Most will think about him from time to time. Most will move on with their lives. After all it is only 6 months in the grand scheme of life.

And then there are people like me who feel like a piece if them will die when he gets on that plane. People like me who will think about him everyday and wish they could only have one more day with him. If only to look at him.

My belly is all twisted up and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I am good at pretending but this is one reality that I can not seem to run away from.

The count down is on. How many days until I stop breathing?

Why am I me?

Why is this hard? Why am I not strong enough? Why can't I get myself off the couch? Why do I miss you so much? Why is it that all I want to do is call you? Why can't I just tell you to fuck off? Why am I so agitated? Why did I just call you? Why is this happening to me? What did I ever do to deserve this? Why do I still love you? Why was I not good enough for you? Why am I destroying myself? Why do I miss you so much? Why is the idea of not talking to you for 6 months killing me? why am I me?

What hold us together,when everything falls apart.

I really do not know.

You just have to believe. Believe in yourself. Believe that everything will work out the way everything should. Even if you do not understand it.

You just have to believe. Even if you are not strong enough to believe anymore.

Maybe if I say it three times.

I miss you so much. You are still here but this house feels so empty without you. I wish you were here. I wish you were here. I wish you were here. Maybe if I say it three times it will come true.

My heart is so happy when you are around. I miss you. Pure and simple. I miss you body in the house. I miss your face. I miss your "everything". I miss you so much all the time.

Being strong sucks.

I do not want want all this other stuff. I want you. I miss you so much.

Putting it out there.

I hope that if I write it, the universe will listen. I hope that if I say it out loud then the universe will comply.

Figure out your shit and then come back to me. Have your adventure and realize that I am the one for you. Realize that you made the biggest mistake of your life and your life would not be complete unless you share it with me. Realize that I am the most amazing, sexy, compassionate girl and be satisfied in spending the rest of your life with me.

I love you. I deserve to be swept off my feet by you. Don't stop until you get me back.

Please universe.

Chasing pavements

Should I give up or am I just chasing pavements?

I wish I knew.

The pearls of online dating

When your 33, single, bored and looking to see what is out there in the safety of your own living room. Enter online dating.

I'm yet to go on a date with any of these guys but I have progressed to actually talking on the phone. It is fun, awkward and makes me feel like I am in high school again.

Every day, there is a new guy sending you an email. It is kinda fun to feel in control of the whole situation. Not cute, bad profile....ignore. Adorable, funny...reply back. And the game begins.

Now to push myself into going on a date. Should be soon.

Our disentanglement is full steam ahead

So you blurted out during breakfast that you did not think it would be working out with her. I can't pretend that I wasn't in shock. I can't pretend that I had to hide my grin. I can't pretend that I am not happy about this and a part if me knew this would happen all along.

You will not tell me the reason. It is okay. I can imagine many scenarios. You know I never held her in high esteem.

But do I really believe it is over. Not really. For now it is but when you are in India. Who knows. I know you slept with me. I know you were moping around and I know that you would not have told me unless you were certain it was.

But nothing changes. I feel a slight bit of relief. But we are still over. Our disentanglement is still full steam ahead.

My only consolation is that if you are truly alone. Then you will really have time to think. There will be no distractions. It makes me think that you might actually grow.

Reality is not a dream

'A dream you dream alone is just a dream. A dream you dream together is a reality' John Lennon

My reality is that he is going off to India to be with another girl. My reality is that I am selling my share of the house. My reality is that he no longer loves me and only wants to be my friend. My reality sucks. I do not share a dream with anyone. He does.

I have to stop being so understanding. I have to stop being so accepting. I have to live in reality and not in some dream world that I created all on my own. My dreams no longer exist. I have to create new ones that do not include him.

When he is gone to India. We can no longer speak. Foster a dream that no longer exists. I need to do that for my sanity. If I talk to him, my sanity is at risk. I'll be in a dream world shared only by me.

Dreams are precious, I can not let him control mine.

Reality and truth

It's funny how the mind protects itself for so long. It only allows pieces of information to be sieved through. Because the shear volume of pain you would need to face would be too overwhelming. Every once in awhile, your brain lets our small truths that you need to face. My morning truth is that he does not love you anymore, he does not think you are the girl for him, he is going to India plain and simple. He has a girl there. You are no longer part of his future.

This is obviously a hard reality to wrap my brain around. But it is a reality that I need to face. A reality that is the truth. I can not hide behind hope, dreams and understanding. I need to face the truth and move on.

He does not love you anymore. He does not see you in his future. He thinks your relationship has run its course. No more chances. He does not think what you had was worth saving.

Clinging to false hope will only hurt me more in the long run. Why put off facing reality? Face it and move on.

Overwhelmed and broken

Overwhelming sadness,
Just four walls,
My heart hurts.

Overwhelming reality,
Planes taking off,
My heart is full of dread.

Overwhelming loss,
What life could have been,
My heart is broken.

Overwhelming feeling,
Why won't they just go away,
My heart has no hope.

Words to live by

I sometimes need to repeat things over and over to keep myself going, sane. I repeat out loud.

You have to let him go to keep him. If that what the future holds.

This is your life, you have control, you choose to be happy.

You will be fine.

You will take this opportunity to become who you always wanted to be.

You will experience life.

You are finally alive, through all this pain, you will find a way realize that and make you whole.

You are strong.

If you are uncomfortable, it means you are changing/ growing.

You know what will make you strong.

Believe in yourself, believe in yourself.

If you love someone set them free, if they come back to you it was meant to be.

He needs to do this.

Through this you are finally growing. Do not loose out on the opportunity to change. Focus on all the positives. You have an opportunity here. An opportunity to finally make you happy. An opportunity to experience life in a way that you never would of had.

Believe that there is a path that you are on. Just bumps in the road.

You need to cease the opportunity to grow.

Stop dwelling.

It is okay that you still love him. It is okay that you still have hope. Just do not let that define your actions, your growth and your future.

Acceptance. Accept that you cannot change the past, you can only control your future. Make it count.

There is no Place like Home

There is no place like home when you feel sick. There is no place like home when you are being taken care by the one who loves you. There is no place like the arms of a loved one when you feel weak and scared.

I took care of you. I spent the weekend with you. There is no place like home when you are in it.

Let me count the ways.

I hate you for so many reasons let me count the ways.

1- You cheated on me but can not lie to her. Yeah fucking great!
2- You had move into a place with your best bud- to make it more comfortable for you. So you could adapt. Yeah fucking great!!
3- you waited until I was 33 to break up with me. Yeah kids are happening right around the corner!! Thank you they might never happen
4- I will never trust anyone again including you. You broke my heart over and over again and wait make sure her heart was fine!!!
5-I can not afford to live on my own. The areas I want to live in. Outta site. Thank you for letting me support you and buy everything in our home. It will be great at my mother's house since I will have to live there. Excellent!!
6- thank you for making fun of my changes. Listening to music, lyrics, twitter. A text afterwards- the second time you mock me makes me feel real good.

We all get it. I am not her. Go find her. Love her fuck her. Get married and have kids. Just do not ever fuck with me again. I loved you too much to ever want to be hurt like that again.

I will always count the ways you screwed me.

Can't wait for April

Wow. She means that only for him right? No dig against me, right? So pure and soulful? Why can't you email that directly to him? Why do you need to make it public unless. Omg. You want me to know that you won. But no she is so pure. From a different world. Bullshit. She is a girl strutting her fucking victory.

I hate you right now so fucking much. I just spent the last hour crying my eyes out. But wait. Is she ok. Lets make sure. We would not want her to feel hurt or lied to. She is too precious. Lets not upset the future let only hurt the past. The past deserves all this pain right. Let's not tell her to cool it. We would not want her to feel any heartache. Only let kill the past the past deserves it, right.?

Whose the real Rob?

Push, push, push. Pull, pull, pull. That my dear is what you are doing to my heart. Tonight you were so cold and aloof. You are all about honesty. Good for you. Finally you are practicing what you preach. I really am having a hard time finding you Rob. This weekend, you were one person and now you are a different person. Whose the real Rob?

Closure

These last few weeks before he leaves are about closure to me. It about spending time together, enjoying each other's company and having fun. It also about slowly adjusting to life without him.

I need him to go. I want him to go. If he asked me back tomorrow I would say no. He has too much shit to figure out before he could ever be good for me. It would be a mistake.

He texted me that he longer wants to be physical. It fucks him up too much. I think he needs to figure out why that is. I'm fine with it. To me it is fun, amazing and a way to say good-bye. I never regret it and I never feel bad about it.

He also texted me that he has already said good-bye. That is the part that I have a problem with. He also told me that I should not make him, it is unfair. That is the other problem that I have.

We cannot have sex. That is fine by me. I have no idea how that is possible considering that for 17 years our relationship has always been intimate. The more you resist, the more appealing it will become. I will never beg for that. Also, I was just a bit mad that the decision was taken away from me. Like so many others.

I wonder why it fucks him up so much. I guess at the end if the day it does not really matter. All that matters is that I am ok.

Made your bed. Now lie in it.

You are right. You made a decision and there are consequences to those decisions. Even if you run 8.5 hours ahead, those consequences will still exist and still haunt you. You can not run from them. You might be able to play in make-believe land for awhile but not for long. You will have to face everything or else it will catch up to you.

Maybe the consequences is growth?

You are beautiful

I shared one if the most intimate moments with my love this morning. We were staring at each other in bed and he simply said you are beautiful. I replied you are not so bad looking yourself.

This all happened after my back gave out after weeks of sleeping on the couch and I started training for my 5k at the end of April. He came over to take care of me, like all the times I took care if him. He treated me like a princess and I was grateful. I needed to feel like I mattered to him.

For some odd reason since around Friday, I felt at peace with the whole situation. When I see him, I no longer feel hope rather I feel acceptance. I still love him and I think that he making one of the biggest mistakes of his life but I realize that he needs to make these mistakes to really know what I mean to him. If he ever will. And if he never ever does. Then I will have started moving forward.

I know that what we have been sharing is exactly what our relationship could be. I know every encounter has lingering loss behind it but the feelings and connection exists. I have never been so sure of it in my life.

I had a moment this morning when I thought about the last year. Did we do special things for each other anymore?The answer was no. Or sort of no. I realized that we both stopped. I am disappointed in us for doing that to our relationship. We both took each other for granted. We stopped showing our love. I'm not sure why. I think we got too comfortable.

My biggest lesson from this is to never take your partner for granted. I became selfish. Maybe as a means of self preservation but I became something I am not.

I would never do that again. He is too beautiful to me.

Everyday together

A random text, a phone call, and small weekend together. I have never spent more than a month not in communication with him. Even when we broke up last time, we broke all the rules, spoke, hung out and had sex. This time it feels different. I feel like I have to stay away for my own sanity. I won't speak to him while he is gone. I can't.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TR3Vdo5etCQ

I am miserable right now. I think of him constantly. I miss him so much and he is right here but he's not here. He has already left.

One is the loneliest number

I have never felt so alone in my life. I crave talking to people but I know that I am slowly becoming an annoyance. Everyone is tired of hearing about my feelings, my analysis, my self doubt, my pain. I have never felt so alone in my whole life and I never want to feel this way ever again.
I know that he is not feeling this way. He is distracted. He is not a one but a two. He never even had a period of one. He does not know how lonely it is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22QYriWAF-U&sns=em

The roles are so intertwined.

It's hard to break-up and not loose your best friend in the process. The roles of boyfriend and best- friend are so intertwined that you can't have one without the other. I miss talking to my best friend. I miss the warm of our conversations. I miss someone caring about me. The roles are so intertwined that I feel like I have lost the entire person.

My own personal torture chamber

I feel like you do not love me anymore. I feel like you are so enamoured by her that you do not care about me anymore. I do not feel like the most important person in your life anymore. I feel so alone without you around. I miss you so much. My heart hurts so much. I can't stop crying. I think about you all the time. My good-bye letter makes me feel like a fool to even be writing it. I feel like such a fool. I know you will go off to India and forget about me.

I used to be so confident in our love. I used to be so confident in you. I used to be so confident that we would spend the rest of our lives together. I have no more confidence and no more hope.

I am in my own personal torture chamber. I feel like a part of me died when you walked out the door. I am so scared that the rest of me will die when you are in her arms.

I love you so much. I am not strong enough to believe anymore.

So Tired.

I am so tired of being the one that believed in us. The last time we broke up, I was convinced you were the man for me. I believed it for the both of us.

I don't think I have the energy right now to do that again. I need you to believe in us. I am so tired of fighting for us. I am so tired of believing. It is your turn.

I need you to believe in us and Not the idea that someone else out there is better for You.

My dear you are so wrong. I just do not have the strength to connivence you anymore. I am just so tired.

I do not know.....

I have been asked this question so many times over the last several days; Will I ever take him back if he asked. Weeks ago, the answer would have been YES. Last week it would have been YES, if he can show me that he wants me and only me. That he would be satisfied with our life, that he would want to build a life together. Now, so much has been said and unsaid. So many truths have been shared. So many lies have been discovered. My answer now is: I am not sure. I do not trust him. I do not trust him with my heart. I do not think he will ever be satisfied and I deserve more. He hurt me in a way that no one ever could. He betrayed our life, our relationship, our future. He betrayed me in the cruelest of ways possible. He is leaving me with all the pieces to pick up while he runs and plays. Could I ever forgive him for all this hurt. The answer is simply: I do not know.  I know I love him but I do not like him right now. I know I miss him but am angry with him.

I need the strength to get through this. I feel like I am going a bit crazy.

I knew I had lost

We travelled to India with our families to visit the land. When we got there I could see him hiding to make plans to see her. I looked at his mom, my mom and wondered what to do. I heard him talk to strangers to find the best secret hiding place. That night he snuck up to the roof. Everyone said follow him. I did. She was there. She saw me and she cried. His mother just looked at her son in disbelief. I look at him. He had a smile on his face, a tiny smile of joy, the one that played on his lips during sex- a little smirk. He looked at me like an as annoyance. A fly to be swatted away. A marriage certificate was pulled out. Screams about cheating on me were yelled by family members. All I could do was stare at his smile, his hand holding hers and I knew that I had lost. Then I woke.

Much to my avail, the dream continued the next time I closed my eyes. The girl gave him drugs. That is why he is this way. His brother and I rescued him and brought him home. He denied that drugs were the cause. He loved her and wanted to be with her. I walked away and did not recognize the person I was speaking too.

A chance

It finally dawned on me that you did not give our relationship another chance because of her. You were already in la la land.

And I find that the hardest part to deal with. Everyone gets another chance. Without it, I am feeling unsettled.

But those are my feelings. Those are my emotions to deal with. The unfairness of it all, kills me.

You already defend her like she is something special in your life. She is already. You know details and stories about her life. You have feeling for her and because of those feelings you are not giving us another chance.

You are running away into the arms of someone else. Do you know how hurtful that is to me. Do you know how that devalues our relationship- me?

I have let you go. You need to go. You need to get this out of your system. You need to find what you are looking for. It is not a mistake that you are searching for answers. You would have always been searching for someone else and perhaps that is why our relationship was the way it was. You were never fully committed and I felt that. Maybe that is what I needed to realize all along.

You once put a quote out there for me about revealing my disappointment in our marriage and from there our friendship could flourish. I am slowly started to see how things were. I am slowly started to see that you checked out a long time ago. I am slowly starting to see that you were never happy. It was not fair to me. To us even to you.

I'm not sure why I am not the girl for you. I thought you were the boy for me. I know that I need to date to see if that is even true. I think you need to date in order for you to figure that out too. We both have alot of growing to do before I think we can ever make a decision about our future. If a common future even exists at this point.

I know you

I think you are running away? You have said so many things. I am not sure what is true. Nor do I think you know either.

You told me you are looking for the possibility of another. That in itself should kill me. It does. But I think I know you. I can not hate you. Most would. I know you. I feel that I am bigger than that. Our our world was bigger than that. I know you.

I have to let you go to explore. I know you.

Talking

I wished you would have talked to me. I wished you would have told me your inner truths. I wished you would have trusted me with them.

Maybe you did and I was not listening.

I know you did but I did not listen. I was too scared to listen. I was in a fantasy world all on my own. I wish you would have shaken me. Mixed me up. When you still had faith.

I would travel to the end of the earth with you.

Come to bed

We all Iive in a fantasy world. Come to bed and let's explore ours. The time we have is so limited. Let's not waste the fantasy. Reality is so harsh. For a fleeting second lets be happy.

I need a good-bye worthy of the beginning.

The truth will set me free.

My dear Pussycat, the words you spoke tonight set me free. You think I seek the truth to hurt, I do not not coward behind truths. I learn from them. You would like to explore to wonders of India. I too would like to explore to wonders. I too am famished. I thought we would could explore the world together. I had no set plans. You never asked me. You assumed I had everything planned. I lived on your timeline. The only thing I wanted from you was love. I have given you freedom. For the love of god, I understood that you needed to buy a place with your best friend to be in order for you to be safe. If there is anyone that every understood and patiently waited by for you. It was me. I understood your insecurities. I patiently waited for them to pass. I understood that you needed to take baby steps .

And now you explode. Why because the thought of having children scared you? We would have been everything you ever dreamed of. I know it.

I realize now that you my dear are more fucked up than me. You always took care of me and I realize now that I needed to take care if you. I am fine. I know what I want out of life but you my dear sweet Pussycat do not. I feel sad for you because you could of had it all if you just would have believed. Because you had it all. It was not perfect and maybe it needed a shake up but the life you would have lead with me would have fulfilled you to your dying day. It could have been exciting!! You just never gave me the chance. I am so much more than you think I am. Thank you for making me realize it.

Instead you choose to drift. You will find happiness. It will be fleeting. But I can provide you with eternal happiness. If only you would believe.

I spent so much time wondering what I did wrong. Why did you fall out of love with me. I have made mistakes but they are just mistakes. They do not define me. I realize now, that I am not the problem. You are. You are so scared of being an adult. Facing reality. Even as beautiful as it might be. That you will run.

I am not sure if I can wait until you run out of steam. I am not even sure that you will ever be satisfied with what is right in front of you.

You are running scared Pussycat. And finally I am the STRONG ONE.

Turning mistakes into Gold

I want to rise above all of this pain and find meaning. I want to rise above all of this regret and find the silver lining. I want to rise above all of this self doubt and find power. I want to rise above all of this and grow. I do not want my mistakes to define me rather I want to turn all my mistakes into gold.

You're not listening, my Kamikaze Baby

I have not been listening to you. I finally hear you. I realize that I have to let you go to keep you. I realize that I can't let you leave here relieved to be away from me. I want you to see me grow, be strong and begin to re-create myself. I can't keep on beating up your heart. I want this time before you leave to help us transition into the next phase of our lives. I want to speak to you, see you before you go. I will miss you terribly. But when you are gone. I want you to remember our last days as special. I want you to remember that I started to change. I want you to see how strong I am. When you are off in India. I want you to wonder what I am up to and not worry about me. I want you to yearn for me and not pity me. I will live my life while you are gone. I will become happy. I will become strong. I will change the things I am not happy with myself. I will grow into myself. I am finally listening, my dear sweet Kamikaze baby.

It is the only way I will learn. We will learn.

Wish upon a star

There is so much I wish for. I wish that you go off to India, find yourself, I wish that I make myself strong. I wish that you realize that you realize that you made a mistake and coming running back to me. I wish that my fantasies come true. I wish that someday we find ourselves at the top of Mount Royal in our exercise spot and look into each other's eyes and just know. I will be looking for you. I hope that one day you find me searching for Pepe and take me into your arms and want.

I hope and wish for so much. Fantasy is a magical, mystical place. But it is also an Evil place. One where false hopes are created.

Somewhere Over the RainBow

I have to believe that the world will continue to be a beautiful place, I have to believe that this is the plan for me, I have to believe that I will be happy one day, I have to believe that there is a reason for all this pain. I have to believe that I will take this as a sign and fix anything I do not like about myself. I have to believe that somewhere over the rainbow, life will be beautiful. I have to believe in myself, in my strength, in my determination. I have to believe that I will fall in love with myself all over again.

The choice

Amy you have a choice here. You could shrivel up and die OR you could make the best of the situation, fight for yourself, fight for your happiness, fight to become the girl you want to be. You can't just fight for yourself because of him. You have to love and respect yourself enough to know that you are worth it. You spoke about growing- well your path is not over. Grow my little Amy and fall in love with yourself all over again. The one person you should be in a relationship is yourself. I am worth it, I am amazing, I have so much to offer the world. All my questions, all my doubts about Robert are pointless. He has made a decision, I have to deal with the consequences of that. But my life is under my control. It is my choice and I choose me.

Good bye my love

So I gave Robert a letter asking for a chance. He said no. He is going to India, renting an apartment and possibly starting a love affaire with his twitter lady. Those are the facts, kids.

I do not know what to feel. I do not know what to think. All I know is that my whole world is falling apart.

He is not going to be living here with me anymore. He will stay at his parents for a while and then not sure. We will not live together anymore. It is the beginning of the end.

My heart hurts so much. I am losing all hope. I am just so tired. I wish I could just sleep and wake up in a couple of months and all the pain would be gone. I have no reason to wake up in the morning. My life has no meaning anymore. I am alone. I have no one to share my life, my dreams, my fears, my aspirations with. I am hopeless.

A parallel Universe

In another world. In another universe. In an alternate parallel reality the two of us made it work. I would love to think that we are gloriously in love and deliriously happy in each other's arms. No hesitations!!
Maybe we met later in life. Maybe we are still high school sweethearts. The one thing I know is in that universe we are happy.

My soul in pieces

You want to know what hurts so much is that you will travel half way across the world to meet this girl. You are giving this girl a big huge romantic gesture and I get kicked out of my home. Don't I deserve a chance. Don't I deserve a romantic gesture? Tears are blinding me. I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my soul. You walk. Out of guilt. You walk to get away from the pain that engulfs this house. You walk to run away from me. Are you walking because you think you are making a mistake?

Off Balance

The world stops when you step into a room. Everyone one else fades away. I can't concentrate. I have a stupid grin on my face. I just want to touch you. I remember this feeling well. I know you do too. I saw you not but 2 hours ago. And the pull that I feel from you is hypnotic. It engulfs me. It sets me off balance. The world stops and the only person left is you.

Stubborn, that is I

I usually a very even tempered, laissez-faire kinda girl. I go with the flow. I do not rock the boat unless really provoked. But when it comes to Robert I am the most stubborn that I could possibly be. It is the one time I listen to others but trust my own opinion. I believe that I always know best. I hear people but still trust myself. I do not even trust the words coming out of his mouth. I am so stubborn, that I believe only my truth. Am I a fool or the biggest romantic alive?Is everyone wrong and I am right? I am not really sure who to trust right now...I always trusted myself. I thought I knew..but now I am not so sure..

My bleeding cow heart

Welcome little Matteo into the world. My best friend had a baby boy last week. My heart is filled with happiness for her growing family. My heart feels like it is being smacked in the face. My heart is raw. My heart is jealous. My heart wants.

I saw my nephew yesterday. He is 24 months and is the light of my life. He is the only one right now that get me out of my head. His sweet little smile. His boisterous singing. His intense kisses make my heart sing. If only for an instance.

Since the day I met Robert, I wanted to have his kids. I wanted to meet those curly haired strangers. I wanted to feel the first kick of the baby with him. As crazy it sounds but I wanted him to hold my hand during labour and tell me he is proud of me. I wanted to wake up in the middle of night and groan with him that we are up again. I wanted to experience it all with him.

When my sister had David, one story that always touched me was about my brother in law. The way he held my sister during labour. How is looked at her with such love in his eyes. I know I have romanticized this painful experience. But it is an experience that I always wanted to share with him.

I always thought he would be an amazing father. I know he didn't think so. But I know. There is something deep inside him that would enjoy getting to know his son or daughter. He would be such an amazing creative, loving influence.

Life sucked out of You.

Ever talk to someone and the words they uttered were all the wrong ones and it sends you into a spiral of despair.

Speaking with Robert's brother today broke my heart. He was so harsh and direct. Maybe they were words I needed to hear. The words extinguished my hope. Hope that I desperately need to cling to; To make it through each day. I feel so lost right now.

But really does he know me and Robert? Our love, our story, our feeling. Should I trust myself or am I disillusioned?

His words made me feel like Robert is finished with me.

I don't think our story is over.

Tell me something nice.

We all have those little things that we do with a partner to make us and them feel special. For me, on days I was down I would ask him to tell me something special about me. Responses varied from being annoyed at the question to truly special tokens of love. You are beautiful. You are beautiful when you smile. I love your ass. You have big calfs. Whatever. They were intimate moments between us.

Every morning before I left to work. I would crawl into bed and wake him up just to say good bye and give him a kiss. Those morning interruptions was a private moment between us where he was half asleep and I got the opportunity to stare at him. We still have those moments. He is not gone yet. I cherish them so much more now. I'm not sure which morning will be the last one. I am not sure which kiss will be the final one.

The light

I wish you could see. I wish you could feel what I feel. I wish the light would shine down on you. I wish it would spotlight me. I wish you could see how bright I am and how much brighter I could be. I wish you could see that together we would be brighter than a star. I wish you could see the light.

Your tears are my tears

Holding you while you cry. Knowing that your heart is broken. Knowing that I can not do anything. Knowing that there is nothing I can say. Knowing that you need so much right now.

I will always be your best friend. Your pain is my pain. I just know right now.

So sick of yourself

The best advice I got recently was- you are going to get so sick of yourself being sick that you will sicken yourself. If that makes any sense.

I know that I will have good days and bad days. I know that my good days will always have a linger feeling of sadness. I know that when I wake up each morning that something will always be missing.

Today, is his grandmother birthday supper. She is 93-94. This year they are going to a restaurant down the street that we always wanted to bring his grandmother too. So she could critique the food and tell us if it as authentic as her own sauce. Then they are going to the casino. I was always the good luck charm. Last year we won like $800 dollars on the tables. It was a blast. Every number we came up with was a winner. I am not going to be there and it kills me.

Tonight I have a girls night at a friends house. Do I really want to go and face people I haven't seen? No but I am going to drag my ass there and fake it.

Last night, my cousin from Vancouver was in town. Robert loves him. Years ago we went to Vancouver for a friends wedding. Mind you we were not even going out at the time. We had the most amazing time there. We explored the city, hiked up mountains on the way to Whistler, went mountain biking and generally had a blast together. My cousin mentioned that I was the only cousin who ever visited them in Van city. I wished Robert would have been there to share the night. I wasn't really there anyways.

Right now it is all about missing things.

I promised myself that I would not write him anymore emails, text him or beg him. We see each other because we still live together- barely.

I am trying to get by the best way I know how. I know I am sick of myself. I am sick of the tears, I am sick of always feeling like shit. I am so sick of myself that I have no other choice but push forward.

Is this for me??

'For when we meet, we would be knowing each other's stories...and maybe on our way to start our own story.'

Who is this for? Probably not me. But why would you be so cruel to post this when you know I read. It must be for me. I need it to be for me.

You get shit on

Sometimes you put away all your pride, your hurt, your feelings and you think about the other person and then you get shit on. You think to yourself nothing is important in this life as how the other person feels and then you shove all your feeling up your own ass and you try to be there for someone else. Knowing that they are probably going to ask someone else for help. Someone who does not know everything. Someone who has not lived through everything. Someone who does not understand your guilt. Someone who is not me.

Sleep, you tell me. I laugh at the thought. I want to be here for you because I think you need someone. You push me away and it hurts. I only want to take you in my arms, not as a girlfriend, but as a friend and hold you until I know you are okay.

I know we are strangers right now but do not make us so strange that we do not recognize each other.

I feel your pain, I understand your guilt and I want to wipe away your tears. Even if it is only for a moment in time. Because all we have left is moments.