Moving forward, literally!

So I signed away my life last week. I am the bittersweet proud owner of a condo. I get to walked into my condo this Thursday for the first time in 4 months. I hope I did not make a mistake. 

I am so stressed about everything right now. I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I'm not sure if I am coming or going. I have so much on my mind. I am worried that I can not afford this place. That I am sacrificing a life for a home. But who am I kidding, I have no life right now. I simply exist. I am moving forward, literally like a ghost. 

A silent scream

My car got bashed in today. I was driving. It was very scary. I wanted my person to talk to. I lost it at work. Cried in the bathroom. My boss was a dick. Did the whole why can't you bring your car in on your free time. 

I spent the night with my ex's friends. All I wanted to do tonight was crawl into a little ball. My car, I care about nothing  But not having my person here killed me. I needed him so much and he was not here.

I am so tired if being unhappy. I want to be happy now. I am ready. I need to smile. I need to smile I need to just be me without all my fucked up thoughts. 

I spent the night wanting to scream silently until I burst. I can only take so much. 

BFF what?

So I've been chatting with a guy for about three months now. We've actually shared alot of our lives. He told me about being married, about cheating and how that has impacted his life. I in turn told him all about Robert, our life and our demise. Most of these interactions took place over text and email. 

I started telling him about all my adventures and he did the same. 

And then we met and BFF what? is all I have to say. 

Too bad that my online BFF is probably a typical guy cause I could have used a friend.  He was fun to confide in, share and just generally be stupid with. 

Maybe I should have just left it as BFF. 

Too bad cause my BFF was exactly the distraction I needed. Cute, fun and a bad boy.  

Why is he buying milk?

He is living with the girl now. How do I internalize that on a rational level? How can I not hate him for playing house with a little Indian lady? How did my life get so messed up? Why is it that everyone around me is happy? Has children? Has someone whose loves them? Why is this happening to me? What did I ever do to deserve this?

Why is he happy and does not know what loneliness is? Why do I feel like no will ever love me? Why is he buying milk?

What the fuck am I doing??? Where is life headed. Why is he so fucking happy. Why does he deserve that????

Someone like you

Adele said it best. 'Never mind I'll find someone like you, I wish nothing but the best for you too, just don't forget me'

I emailed him this song yesterday night. The words just spoke to me.  The music, the beat of the drum, the intensity of her voice touched my soul. I felt for a moment that someone actually understood my pain. Someone had actually lived to sing about it. 

I listened to the song over and over last night. Till about four in the morning. I listened to it until the tears dried up on my face. 

Her whole album is like a tribute to my pain. I listen to the album almost daily. Each day, a new song speaks to me. I hear the hidden message. It is like Adele is whispering directly in my ear that- She gets it!!