You're not listening, my Kamikaze Baby

I have not been listening to you. I finally hear you. I realize that I have to let you go to keep you. I realize that I can't let you leave here relieved to be away from me. I want you to see me grow, be strong and begin to re-create myself. I can't keep on beating up your heart. I want this time before you leave to help us transition into the next phase of our lives. I want to speak to you, see you before you go. I will miss you terribly. But when you are gone. I want you to remember our last days as special. I want you to remember that I started to change. I want you to see how strong I am. When you are off in India. I want you to wonder what I am up to and not worry about me. I want you to yearn for me and not pity me. I will live my life while you are gone. I will become happy. I will become strong. I will change the things I am not happy with myself. I will grow into myself. I am finally listening, my dear sweet Kamikaze baby.

It is the only way I will learn. We will learn.

Wish upon a star

There is so much I wish for. I wish that you go off to India, find yourself, I wish that I make myself strong. I wish that you realize that you realize that you made a mistake and coming running back to me. I wish that my fantasies come true. I wish that someday we find ourselves at the top of Mount Royal in our exercise spot and look into each other's eyes and just know. I will be looking for you. I hope that one day you find me searching for Pepe and take me into your arms and want.

I hope and wish for so much. Fantasy is a magical, mystical place. But it is also an Evil place. One where false hopes are created.

Somewhere Over the RainBow

I have to believe that the world will continue to be a beautiful place, I have to believe that this is the plan for me, I have to believe that I will be happy one day, I have to believe that there is a reason for all this pain. I have to believe that I will take this as a sign and fix anything I do not like about myself. I have to believe that somewhere over the rainbow, life will be beautiful. I have to believe in myself, in my strength, in my determination. I have to believe that I will fall in love with myself all over again.

The choice

Amy you have a choice here. You could shrivel up and die OR you could make the best of the situation, fight for yourself, fight for your happiness, fight to become the girl you want to be. You can't just fight for yourself because of him. You have to love and respect yourself enough to know that you are worth it. You spoke about growing- well your path is not over. Grow my little Amy and fall in love with yourself all over again. The one person you should be in a relationship is yourself. I am worth it, I am amazing, I have so much to offer the world. All my questions, all my doubts about Robert are pointless. He has made a decision, I have to deal with the consequences of that. But my life is under my control. It is my choice and I choose me.

Good bye my love

So I gave Robert a letter asking for a chance. He said no. He is going to India, renting an apartment and possibly starting a love affaire with his twitter lady. Those are the facts, kids.

I do not know what to feel. I do not know what to think. All I know is that my whole world is falling apart.

He is not going to be living here with me anymore. He will stay at his parents for a while and then not sure. We will not live together anymore. It is the beginning of the end.

My heart hurts so much. I am losing all hope. I am just so tired. I wish I could just sleep and wake up in a couple of months and all the pain would be gone. I have no reason to wake up in the morning. My life has no meaning anymore. I am alone. I have no one to share my life, my dreams, my fears, my aspirations with. I am hopeless.

A parallel Universe

In another world. In another universe. In an alternate parallel reality the two of us made it work. I would love to think that we are gloriously in love and deliriously happy in each other's arms. No hesitations!!
Maybe we met later in life. Maybe we are still high school sweethearts. The one thing I know is in that universe we are happy.

My soul in pieces

You want to know what hurts so much is that you will travel half way across the world to meet this girl. You are giving this girl a big huge romantic gesture and I get kicked out of my home. Don't I deserve a chance. Don't I deserve a romantic gesture? Tears are blinding me. I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my soul. You walk. Out of guilt. You walk to get away from the pain that engulfs this house. You walk to run away from me. Are you walking because you think you are making a mistake?

Off Balance

The world stops when you step into a room. Everyone one else fades away. I can't concentrate. I have a stupid grin on my face. I just want to touch you. I remember this feeling well. I know you do too. I saw you not but 2 hours ago. And the pull that I feel from you is hypnotic. It engulfs me. It sets me off balance. The world stops and the only person left is you.

Stubborn, that is I

I usually a very even tempered, laissez-faire kinda girl. I go with the flow. I do not rock the boat unless really provoked. But when it comes to Robert I am the most stubborn that I could possibly be. It is the one time I listen to others but trust my own opinion. I believe that I always know best. I hear people but still trust myself. I do not even trust the words coming out of his mouth. I am so stubborn, that I believe only my truth. Am I a fool or the biggest romantic alive?Is everyone wrong and I am right? I am not really sure who to trust right now...I always trusted myself. I thought I knew..but now I am not so sure..

My bleeding cow heart

Welcome little Matteo into the world. My best friend had a baby boy last week. My heart is filled with happiness for her growing family. My heart feels like it is being smacked in the face. My heart is raw. My heart is jealous. My heart wants.

I saw my nephew yesterday. He is 24 months and is the light of my life. He is the only one right now that get me out of my head. His sweet little smile. His boisterous singing. His intense kisses make my heart sing. If only for an instance.

Since the day I met Robert, I wanted to have his kids. I wanted to meet those curly haired strangers. I wanted to feel the first kick of the baby with him. As crazy it sounds but I wanted him to hold my hand during labour and tell me he is proud of me. I wanted to wake up in the middle of night and groan with him that we are up again. I wanted to experience it all with him.

When my sister had David, one story that always touched me was about my brother in law. The way he held my sister during labour. How is looked at her with such love in his eyes. I know I have romanticized this painful experience. But it is an experience that I always wanted to share with him.

I always thought he would be an amazing father. I know he didn't think so. But I know. There is something deep inside him that would enjoy getting to know his son or daughter. He would be such an amazing creative, loving influence.

Life sucked out of You.

Ever talk to someone and the words they uttered were all the wrong ones and it sends you into a spiral of despair.

Speaking with Robert's brother today broke my heart. He was so harsh and direct. Maybe they were words I needed to hear. The words extinguished my hope. Hope that I desperately need to cling to; To make it through each day. I feel so lost right now.

But really does he know me and Robert? Our love, our story, our feeling. Should I trust myself or am I disillusioned?

His words made me feel like Robert is finished with me.

I don't think our story is over.

Tell me something nice.

We all have those little things that we do with a partner to make us and them feel special. For me, on days I was down I would ask him to tell me something special about me. Responses varied from being annoyed at the question to truly special tokens of love. You are beautiful. You are beautiful when you smile. I love your ass. You have big calfs. Whatever. They were intimate moments between us.

Every morning before I left to work. I would crawl into bed and wake him up just to say good bye and give him a kiss. Those morning interruptions was a private moment between us where he was half asleep and I got the opportunity to stare at him. We still have those moments. He is not gone yet. I cherish them so much more now. I'm not sure which morning will be the last one. I am not sure which kiss will be the final one.