Shut the f#%k up

Ha. I just read some of my old blogs. Man do I complain a lot! I should just shut the f#%k up and enjoy life. 

God. I just wanted to punch myself. I'm like is this how whinny I am?? How negative I am?? 

NEXT

Life is a solo game. Get used to it.

Ughhh.... Friends with kids. Friends who are tired. Friends with boys. Friends who make plans but ditch. Friends who are crazy. Friends who are preoccupied. Friends who are never around. 

Women make the best but worst friends. When life changes so do they. I changed to accommodate my friends. I made new friends. Everyone is all about themselves. I get so tired trying. 

I'm single. I should have friends right now. I do not. For the most part. They all have their own lives. I'm so tired of trying. 

Boy as friends. Honestly just want to get in your pants. They are never really friends. Once and awhile they are. 

Really I'm so tired of being alone. I never knew that life was such a solo game but it is. I never knew why I thought it was not. I should be used to it by now. 

Oblivious

Can I really be that be oblivious to my sister who says she is anxious and nervous. I want to help her but she closes up. I try. I do not need another to feel like I do.  I need to reach out in a way that she can hear me. I never want a single person to ever experience what I do. It's torturous. No one should ever feel like I do. And the thought that my sister has any anxiety hurts me.  I never want anyone to live what I do. 

All the pieces are all over the place.

I do not write very much anymore. I'm sorry if anyone actually cared. But tonight I need to vent. This is my oulit. 

I hate my ex. I hate all his friends.  I hate being so strong all the time. I'm so tired of being strong. Everyone thinks what I went through is a walk in the park. I'm broken. All the pieces are all over the place.  I just needed to write that. 

One door closes another one opens..

So I got rid of one loser. 

After a month and a half of hanging out with a boy. A boy who in reality was really just a friend. He was a nice change from being alone. I got used to hanging out all the time. I kinda forgot how much I missed having a guy around. Watching movies. Making dinner together. Chit chatting. Well it was nice while it lasted. 

And then another walks right back in. Angelo is single again. I'm not gonna lie. It makes me very happy. He's that guy for me. 

Kinda makes up for the asshole with a nasty tongue. 

Can't always get what you want

Funny how you get one thing but you can only think about the other thing you want. 

You are given an opportunity. Almost like it is dangled in front of you but don't take it. You had an opening but then the door closed. Was it meant to be so that your heart was preserved? 

Funny cause I went after something, a bit hard core cause I wanted it.  He reacted with interest but now has shut down. Again probably for the best cause really he probably would have hurt me. 

Right now I'm just annoyed. I'm not rejected. I realize that he's an asshole that I wanted. He was playing a game and reacted like a baby when I was not available. 

I asked him to hang and his cold response was I'm busy both days. Mad cause I did not drop everything the week prior when he summoned me. 

Funny. I think my ego wanted him to prove a point that I could get him. And I guess I sorta did but not really. 

Ahh well time to let the fantasy go and move on. It was nice while it lasted. 

I know I'm done going after a lost cause. 

Eve of my 36nd bday

Life has been a whirlwind lately. So many things have happened. As I sit on my balcony in the Miami heat I wonder what my 36nd birthday will bring to me. 

My horescopes prideicts a year of change and happiness. I thought I already went through change and then I realized that I changed. My circumstances changed in the last two years but I finally changed with them. I have new friends. I do new things. I say yes to new experiences. I take risks. I act in the name of fun. I took on a new job and I like it. Dare I say I am happy??? Dare I say that I look forward to what life has to bring me. I'm free. Free to be me. 

Maybe that is the best birthday gift a girl could ever get. The idea that she can finally be herself and love every bit of who she is finally becoming. Herself!!

Girl friends???

So Angelo has a girlfriend. Enough said. The guy whom I never saw a future with but the first guy who actually felt a pitter patter with. I have not seen him in over a year. Haven't really talked to him in months. 

It oddly bothers me a lot. If he did not have a girlfriend than I was okay. If he did not have a girlfriend than there was nothing wrong with me. 

I think he's my sign that the fun times are over and I need to grow up. If he could change than so can I. 

I'm gonna say goodbye to my "wild youth" and be an adult now. 

Unless he breaks up ;)

Laugh all you want.

Someone is laughing so hard right now at my expense. Honestly I just want to give up. A person can only take so much rejection before character building takes a wrong turn. 

There is something flawed in me. Something that everyone sees and does not want to be apart of. 

I've been on a high for a while now. I thought things would change. I felt happy. I felt like things were about to change cause I changed. I was so wrong. Everything is against me. Life is what....seriously giving what I need not I want. What? I need to feel like shit all the time? I need to face constant rejections? I need to finally feel normal only to realize it's a facade. I need to turn that frown upside down. 

 I'm so tired of trying. I'm so tired of the world laughing at my expense. I want to stop trying. There is really no point. I can not do this anymore. I want to just be all alone. I no longer want anything more for me. I tried and I am just not strong enough. I give up. Laugh at me. Please. You won. World. Just laugh. 

On and on the carousal goes…..

Life just keeps on happening. Even if you want to stop for a minute and breath. Life keeps spinning around you. Once in a while, I think back on my life and I cannot believe who I am, what I lived through, where I am and where I might possibly be headed.

The ride I am on makes me dizzy sometimes. The carousal keeps on spinning and doesn't care if you want to get off. That might actually be a good thing because there is something propelling you forward. Something propelling you to become something more than just a ceramic horse just going along for the ride. I want to be an active participant on this ride. I’m starting to enjoy the carousal ride and hope that it keeps going on and on…..

Ugly

I possibly never felt so ugly as I do right now. 

I have no game. I actually tried for the fuck of it and you know what maybe I misread signals but I tried to play a game I'm very ill-equipped to play. My friends wanted me too. 

I learnt online that I actually have a voice. What I said was interesting. My friend said cause of that I do not know how to flirt or communicate. Funny thing is I never did. I never had game. I have always felt shy and akward until I feel like I can be me. I feel like people do not feel I am cool enough, funny enough and intelligent enough to participate. 

It's funny cause all those people think I am one person. I get it all the time. Confident. Aggressive. Assertive. They think they know me but no one does. I am really just fabulous at hiding it or everyone is a fucking idiot. 

My flaws show all the time... 

This is actually not the point. I went out with the intentions to have fun and I came home feeling like a piece of shit. I'm not that girl that everyone will stop in their tracks and adore. I'm not the hottest thing on the face of the earth. Honestly, I feel so ugly right now that hanging on my couch is way more fun. 

I always knew that my personality is my saving grace. That's why online appealed to me. That is why through words I found a piece of me that I realized was truly interesting, fun, appealing. 

Going out. Seeing people. Being shy me in my body showed me that I'm not anything anyone would be interested in. trust me I actually tried. I never have but you would think that I could have some positive reinforcement. 

Funny it's like online dating but sped up. My personality can't save me I'm too shy and my looks are not desirable. 

I sometimes wish I could switch into another person's body. 

I'm still alone.

Maybe to a select few a title like all alone needs no introduction. You can be socializing with a world of people but still feel like like an island. 

I wonder often is this self imposed? 

Weathered happiness

We all start off with innocent happiness. And that happiness turns into weathered happiness as we experience life. I think I'm so weathered right now without the happiness. 

Bubbles

I live in a bubble. I hurt others cause I'm trying to redefine myself. I hurt someone tonight. I hurt my best friend a few weeks ago. I hurt my family with my behaviour. 

Where do I draw the line between my needs and someone else's needs. I gave up me for another. I'm not willing to do it again. But I'm scared I'm becoming a bitch cause I'm all about me and my bubble. 

Chosen ones....

Ughhh. That is how I will start my blog. I have no idea how to discribe my life other than ughhh. 

Life is so frustrating. I want to truly know why some people get everything they dreamed of and other wait in contemplation and wonder if they are the chosen ones. 

Catfish 2.0

I think there is a new form of catfish that exists. One that should probably be in the dictionary.  One not based on fake profile pics and gender but one based on men luring you into a web of their own fantasy. It's self made!

I think men act like they think they should act to attract you. Yes. Yes. Yes. Men are drawn to the chase but deceit is just as prevalent with an honest profile pic. 

Conversations are had. Secrets are shared. Men are drawn in. 

Reality sets in and no you are not a porn star. You are not a size two. Yes all your pics are recent. You are just not that imaginary girl that they made up in their heads. 

You are real. You are you. In text life why are you a blast but in real life you never seem to fit the fantasy. 

Ughhh. Even I cringe at my own analogy. Like a fine wine I get better with time. Most often on a first date nerves play into everything. Your true self is never revealed. 

I want a baby?? That so bad??

I do. It's probably been my dream for my whole entire Iife. 

I used to dream of the day I would have my own kid. My friends do not know how lucky they truly are. I'm so scared all the time that it will never happen to me. That being a mother was something I always knew I would be amazing at. 

No one ever gets me. I'm running out of time. Can I have a child with anyone?  No. I actually see the time ticking away. 36 soon and honestly I'm freaking out.  

Relationship girl

Uuugh I'm probably seriously not cut out for dating. I'm probably not cut out for being a girl whose casual. I'm relationship girl. Honestly it's really everything I know. 

Trust me I'm not shoving a relationship down anyone throat. I'm probably more scared than most to actually pursue one but maybe in some guys eyes I scare them. 

Haha. Doubt it. Me contemplating my rejections and covering it up with a smile. 

The Blame Game....

I think I have spent the last two year blaming everyone and feeling sorry for myself. I'm sure that any one of you who have read a couple of my blogs would agree. I know that I am accountable for my actions but I think its time for once in my life that I accept the choices that I made. 

All the choices I have made up to this point have created the person I am good or bad. When I choose to have McDonald's, a bottle of wine, when I choose to be lazy and not exercise, when I choose to stay home and feel sorry for myself, when I did not change my career path when I should have, when I did not continue to pursue hairdressing, when I CHOSE to stay with a guy whose values did not match mine. I wanted kids, to be married, to grow up and he was ambivalent. I chose to think he would change cause he loved me. I chose to stay in that toxic and unhealthy environment and its time perhaps that I realize that he saw it way before I ever did. I'm not about to pat his back and congratulate him but I admit that I am way better off without him in my life.

The trick is that I need to start making better choices in my life. Choices that will lead me to my goals. I know what I want in life but I think I am going about getting it all wrong. 

My friend  told me that I should stop dating and truly focus on myself. To be honest the idea sounds attractive. I think I have been hiding behind men- via text, dates, sex to avoid having to face myself and my life. I wanted to be distracted so I did not have to hear myself anymore and maybe perhaps not have to deal with making the right choices. It was easier not to think. If I am busy I do not have to deal with how unhappy I am.

Clearly I am not confident enough in myself to deal with rejection. My insecurities might be so evident, my lack of confidence might be shinning through. I am not showcasing myself to the best of my abilities.

I'm tired of the Blame Game cause the only person that I have to blame for my life is me. I made every single one of those choices. Now is the time to accept that and move on and make all the right choices that are just for me.

Me focussed. Is that so bad??

Ever been so fed up? I made a promise to myself that this year would be about me in whatever shape that took. 

I just had a friend ask me why it seems that I avoid her invites. Funny thing is.. I texted her back and she never answered? Why cause she is busy with her life. Why is that okay?  Cause she has a family and kids?

I have always been the person that gives up everything for a person I love. Now I realize that I can no longer be that person. My life is all about me. That includes my friends. They had kids. I accommodate them. Fit their lives into mine. Everything changed for them and cause I loved them and wanted them in my life I chose to mold around them. 

I can not be that person anymore. I love them. Adore their kids. But I have me to think about me. So I can become me. They already found themselves. They should allow me to discover myself. 

Here is my text:

You lay something on me. Have me have to deal with all the thoughts. Rather than talk to me. 

Then you do not answer my text. Why cause your busy with your life? Why is that okay but when I'm busy or lazy cause I want to be I get asked why I'm not around. I've always understood you have a family. You have commitments. You cancel or are busy, kids are sick or, you want to be with your family. I never say a thing. I just understand and now when I'm trying to focus on me I get questioned. Honestly as a friend I think that is not fair.  I have always made time for you. I have always made knowing your kids important to me. 

I honestly just want to be me focussed.is that so bad?

Kisses on the cheeks??

So I went on a date last night with hot hockey guy.  It was out first date. I was extremely nervous but the date turned out to be fabulous. He talked so much, made me feel so comfortable and joked around the whole time. By date standards it was a great date!

But when the date ended he hailed me a cab, open the door for me and proceeded to give me a kiss on each cheek. Hmmmm not really sure what that means. 

When I'm on dates I can usually tell if a guy is into me or not. With this guy I could not get a good read on him. It's confusing the hell out of me. 

I would like another date with him to see if there is anything there. He peaked my interest big time. 

I'm just not that sure about the two kisses on the cheek thing??

Inner guilt...a catalyst to finding yourself

I wonder sometimes why guilt consumes me. I feel guilty about things that I should not even feel bad about. 

Guilt takes a hold of me and does not seem to let go. I know it will pass. In a day or two I will forget it but until then I feel like shit. 

I know I am on the right path. The gym 4/5 times a week but I need to cut out all my other bad habits. I need to become the healthiest person I can be. 

I know I'm making it seem like I did something bad. I actually did not. I just need to make better choices so that my life becomes the life I always wanted. 

Ahh inner guilt. A catalyst to finding yourself. 

I wrote this once...and meant it!

You once wrote an amazing blog about me for my Birthday. I have re-read it so many times in the past few days. This is my Blog to you on your birthday. 

You are the love of my life, my biggest inspiration, my most annoying cheerleader; you still make my heart pitter-patter when you look at me. I have watched you grow into a man, I have held your hand while you achieved and I have wiped away your tears when you were broken. I have shared my life with you, I have shared my heart and my pain with you. I have walked so many miles with you all over the world, I have laughed so hard with you over stupid things, and I have raised two cats and one ghost with you. You have been my best friend, my therapist, my lover for half my life. You will always be a part of me because you helped create me. You are a dreamer, an artist, a free spirit. You are a beautiful person and I will always love you.

Tonight my dear, sweet pussycat, I would like to kiss you once last time on your birthday.

Time passes. I do not want to kiss him on his birthday. I know it is his birthday. That is all!!

My heart for this boy is dried up. I lost a best friend along the way. I hope he had a good birthday. Whatever. I actually really do not care if he did. Sad I know!

And then god laughs...

I often wonder why There is such humour in pain. I'm not today in the mood to be overly enthusiastic about life or my direction in life. I try so hard. I feel like I take all the right steps. I know it is all about your mind frame. I just need life to stop and look at me and give me a sign that all my dreams will come true. I need this year to be about me. I need this year to transform me. I'm so lonely. I'm so tired of looking at all my friends achieving in so many ways. Jobs. Family. Love. Husbands. What did I ever do to deserve this. Why does he get love. It is a distraction that he does not deserve. Yes people have things that go wrong. My friend on mat leave just lost her job. Things happen. But she has everything else. 

I just want so much for myself. I realize it more and more what I want and what I deserve. I just want to share that with someone. Someone who entices me. Complete me. Challenges me. Loves me for me. 

Love. Children. A family. It is me. It has been my dream for my whole life. 

Why is god laughing at me???