To cuddle or not to cuddle

Hmmmm the most bizarrely, delicious weekend just happened. I'm left wondering if we, I should have cuddled. I'm not gonna lie, it was nice to lie down in someone's arms and feel the warmth of their body. To listen to their heart beat. To just just melt into the moment. 

But should we really be cuddling?

Pay tribute

People came before her.  Pay tribute to the hard work and love they poured into you.  They nurtured and defined you. But you so forget.  You think you made you. I made you. Being with me will define every relationship you are ever in. I set the bar. And I set it high. 

Your comments are so callous. Do you just pretend to feel when you write a person a letter or is it all bullshit. 

I do not begrudge you love in your next life time. It just would be nice to payed tribute to a person. I am dead to you. Treat me a such. 

Treat me like I really mattered at some point. Like I was in a relationship that possibly had a point. Instead for me right now I wasted my time all those years. I have so much to give and you took it all and spit it back out. 

Time is limited my friend. Pay tribute to the ones who actually cared. The ones who possibly deserve to feel like they meant something.  

Mistakes and other things.

I feel like I have made so many mistakes over the last year. It's time for me to grow up and stop acting like a child. I know that every mistakes means that I learned something along the way. The problem is that I need to stop making the same mistakes over and over again. I don't feel bad about any decisions I have made or any choices I have made but I need to stop making mistakes.

There only so long you can call things mistakes until you become an idiot. I wavering over that line and I'm ready to start making the right healthy choices. 

I'm ready for the mistake portion of my life to be over. 

Set me free

The minute you walked on that plane you set me free. You gave me the ultimate slap in the face. I never wanted you at that point. You disregarded our whole life together. You cheapened our love. You cheapened the friendship we built, the life I though we were headed too. You could have been a man and not let me die inside. Once I realized you were such a coward. Someone I could never be with. Someone I could never trust. My whole view on you changed. I'm not sure who you became. I'm not sure who I was with. But the person I grew up with did not turn out to be a nice person. He became ugly. 

You wonder why? You caused it. You had the most perfect oulit. You just choose to not use her. You are still blaming me. Making excuses. I could not provide. Did you ever think the minute you kissed a other girl you ruined everything between us. I am so tired of being put down by you. My capabilities as a friend As a confident, as a person wanting to help have always been one if my best qualities. When you hurt I also hurt too. 

I saw your dimise Robert. I felt every heart break that you felt. I was helpless. All you ever did was push me away. Always. 

You judged me so harshly our whole relationship. You should have always looked at yourself. You were an ugly person. But despite that I found and saught the good of you. 

I feel sorry for you. You will never really know what it really means to love another person with your whole entire heart. With your whole entire body. That you would die if you are not with them. I loved you with with everything I had. You can never ever say you did. And that is sad. 

I would have never did the things you did. I respected us too much and you. I already knew. I figured it all out way back. You should have come clean when you had the chance. 

The reason I reach out to you now is not because I would ever in my lifetime want you back but because I thought I built something special in my life. It has to mean something. It had to mean I had a friend. 

You unloaded for yourself Robert. I did not need know right now. It was my choice when I needed that information. Your confession will not ever obsolve you. It will not push me away. I am already gone. You will spend your whole life looking for a fraction of what we had. A night in a park, a date or two or three, does not make a lifetime. It is your best personal amplified. These girls or girl will never know you until you stop being scared. You are looking for something that does not exist. I knew you and loved you despite of all the bull. Most will never stay around to know the real Robert. 

My advice. Grow up. Life is passing you by. There is so much more to be discovered. A whole world that is beautiful. That you are missing by being scared. 

Message received. Loud and clear!

Last night, I went on a first date with a guy that I have known for months. We walked the cemetery in middle of a snow storm. It was wirlwind of a night. The conversation flowed. We kissed for awhile under the shelter of some random souls mosaleum. 

We left and then everything in my life has come to a sudden hault. I lost control of my car and hit a parked car. I was probably driving too fast for such a snowy night. It is my fault. 

Everything worked out in the end. Meaning that the person's car that I hit actually came outside. We were able to exchange information. No one was hurt. My car is badly damaged. Hers was not that bad. 

I have never been responsible for an accident. Accidents always happened to me. It is an uneasy feeling when you know you are at fault. I know it is an accident. You could have taken 15 other streets to get home. Fate was watching you last night and sending you a message. Fate also intervined and made sure that everything happened in the most positive way. 

I just realized. That I am moving too fast. I am not standing still long enough to live my own life. I am always moving forward or looking back and am never in the moment. I need to just stand still for a moment and breath. 

Things are changing in my life. External things. But I really need to start changing myself from the inside out. I need to stop all negative thoughts and behaviours. 

Message received. Loud and crystal clear.