In a funk

I'm just in a strange mood. My thoughts are all over the place. I am thinking too much about him. He is on my mind. 

I don't know if I am coming or going. I don't really know what I am doing right now. I'm not sure I am making any if the right choices right now. Am I really having fun? Whom am I doing all of this for. 

People encourage me. Clap me on the back but can I really do the same back to me. 

This is not me. Is it a new me? One that is experiencing her youth at the ripe age of 34. 

I'm just in a funk. 

Today I will eat a strawberry in his memory.

2 years ago on this day my kitty cat died. 

We moved into our new place and a couple of months later he was run over by a car. 

I just came from grocery shopping. Robert was gone for the evening and was sleeping at the pad. And tigger ran out. Since we had moved in I had been hesitant about letting the cats out because I was nervous they would get lost. 

That evening while watching tv and having a bowl of ice cream. I heard cars screeching. I thought nothing of it at the time. 

By the next morning Tigger had not returned. I had searched frantically for him all morning. At around 12, the vet called me and said someone found my cat. Did he gave a red colour? He was dead. They gave me a number to call. Some person had seen the accident and had brought tigger home. 

I ran upstairs to David and asked for him to call and verify. I just could not face calling someone to ask if it was really tigger. 

David held me while I sobbed until Robert came home and took me in his arms for the next 2 days. 

We slept in eachothers arms. We took walks. We cried. We walked the street looking for any trace of where it happened. 

I know that night. I heard him die. I wish I would have gone to look. Maybe I could have held him in my arms while he took his last breath. 

That day when we got the news. We went to go pick him up. I still remember exactly where it was.

He was in a box. We knelt down on the ground and touched his soft fur and whispered sweet nothing's into his ear. He was so stiff. But he looked like he just taking a cat nap in the sun. 

To play tribute to my dead sweet cat, we went strawberry picking the next day. Today I will eat a strawberry in his memory. 

I miss you tigger. 

It was a bag of seashells that got me.

I packed 4 boxes before I finally broke down and cried. It was a bag of seashells that we saved from our trip to Costa Rica/Panama that got me. There is no real symbolism to them but some how that bag of seashells reminded me of every trip we will never take together. It reminded me that he is on an adventure with another girl.

I knew that packing would be hard. It is actually overwhelming. There are so many things to go through. I have to decide who gets what. I don't even know how to make a decision about any of it.

I am so lost right now.

The age old conundrum.

I'm bored. That's really the problem here. I am so used to having him around that time alone is no longer a pleasure but a prison of thoughts, desires and lack of conversation.

The question is should I text or not. I am so new to this game that I do not know the rules. Texting implies what? Should I just let it be? But I want to see him.

Ahh, the age old conundrum. I wish it were all so simple.

Games. Who would of thought.

And then they call you back. Men are strange. I never realized how much until now. I never had to spend time figuring them out.

It's funny how you want one to call and then the other does. Maybe hard to get is really where it is at.

Games. Who would of thought. They really work.

Dating lesson number one completed.

Hell hath no furry, like a woman scorned

I have a bit of a rage issue going on. I can not think of him without my blood boiling. I am so angry at him right now that I can longer remember why I ever loved him.

He is a liar, a cheater and a bum. He believes in immediate gratification and can not get past his own selfish needs.

I have immense hate for the boy. He is not even a man. He is child. He ran away and left me to pick up all the pieces.

Play my little one. Hell hath no furry like a woman scorn. You my dear have lost your best friend and you do not even realize it. I can not look at you in the face without wanting to spit on you.

I never in my life thought that I would ever have feelings of hate towards you but you pushed me there. Your words, your actions, your total disregard for my feelings. You lit incense for my happiness. You make me laugh. I find your actions amusing.

You could not find the right words to write me a good bye letter. I spent 18 years with you. Tell me the truth you loser, you were too busy playing to stop and think about me.

Play Robert. Play for the rest of your god damn life. I really do not give a shit anymore.

You wanted me to bloom. Well I have and I realize that my heart does not have room for an asshole like you.

I was too good for you. I was too understanding. You do not deserve me. You created this little ball of furry.

Oh to sleep

These none sleeping nights are killing me. My mind will just not shut down. I'm so tired my mind and body can't seem to relax.

I try everything to sleep. Tonight is just one if those night where you just have to accept that sleep might just not happen.

You will face the day exhausted and pray that tomorrow your brain will shut off.

Construction Mike

And then you meet a really hot guy and you wonder could you be ready to have some fun?

It has been fun to label the guys I meet based on name and occupation. It makes everything so much more light hearted and less serious.

This is my time to have fun. Meet people, enjoy their company and play.

I've never done that before. I was always in love with Robert. I wasn't interested. I always thought everything had to be so serious.

Well life has been too serious for me in the last 6 months. My heart, my mind and my body are ready to laugh.

Welcome Construction Mike into my little funhouse.

It hurts.

The pain I feel is so lonely. I hurt so deeply. It hurts so much. I never want to feel this way again. Nothing can help me now. My tears drench this post. My heart is hurt. It hurts!