The man who makes you cry

The man who makes you cry more than he can ever make you smile is not the man for you. The man who runs away into the arms of another is not the kind of man you would ever want to be with. The man who plays with your heart is not the man you need. The man who cowards behind you and blames you for everything is not strong enough to be with you. The man who gives up on you does not deserve to touch your heart again. The man who runs forward without a second glance is not worth it. The man who breaks your heart into a million little pieces and then stomps on it is not a man.

Exciting things depress me

So I am condo shopping. Saw a condo for the second time today with my parents. It has everything I want. It is in the area I want, it has parking, air conditioning, it has two bedroom. It is big and has alot of closet space.

An exciting time should be exciting to me instead it reminds me of everything that I am loosing. It makes me angry. It makes my heart fill up with hate.

I hate him. I really, really do. He is not thinking of me. He is there and he has already forgotten me.

My life is so empty right now. Nothing makes me happy. Nothing makes me smile. All I have is pain and hate.

Am I ready to buy a condo. No. But it does not really matter does it. I should be excited but I am depressed.

Dream world

I had the most delicious dream this morning. Robert came home for a quick visit. We could not be separated. He was attentive, loving and would not leave my side. Even Jean said, maybe things would workout after all. His behaviour could alter the future. After all our fates are in our own hands.

I feel asleep and he was gone. I searched for him but did not find him.

Now I know why Robert prefers fantasy to reality. I wish I never woke up. I wish I was still in that dream. I wish our reality would change. I wish I could go back a year into my life where my life was actually a dream and wake up and never make the same mistakes again.

Breakout kings, survivors and lost

Do you see a theme here? I watch one episode at a time. One series at a time. I try to pass the lonely hours by watching mindless tv.

I am glued to the couch. I don't feel like moving. Talking to anyone. Seeing anyone. I just want to be lost in another world. A world where hope will never die, the good guys always win and people fight for their survival.

I have never felt so alone in my life. No one can take away my pain. All I want to do is crawl up into a little ball and weep. Maybe, if I keep watching these series, for a little while, I can lose myself in someone else's story and forget mine.

I'm trapped in Bombay

I am in my own personal hell right now. I am trapped in Bombay time. I wonder at every minute what he doing, seeing, thinking. Is he with her? Does he like her? Does he miss me? Is he thinking about me? Why did he not send my letter yet?

I thought it would be easier for him not to be here. I am trapped in Bombay and I want to get out.

And when it hits.

I can keep myself as busy as a bee. Pre-approving a mortgage. Searching for condos. Putting offers on condos. Talking to people. Having supper with friends.

But the minute everything quiet downs, for even a second and I take a minute to breath. I realize that you are not here to share. I end up missing you. I want to hear your voice, your opinion on things.

I walk around the house discussing thing with you to dead ears. Somehow it makes me feel closer to you. You can't hear me but I feel like I am talking to you while I prepare supper or do the laundry. Who am I kidding, I do not cook anymore.

You are not dead but you might as well be.

Last goodbye

Yesterday was our last goodbye. I know we are over. There is no Amy and Robert anymore and there never will be. I just want him to get on that plane and get out of my life. I can not live in this house anymore. I need to leave and fast.

He has hurt me so much. I could never be with him again. He is a liar, a cheater and a child trapped in a mans body. The Robert I fell in love with is gone. He is someone else now. The years I lived with him were lies. I was in it and he was not.

I am tired of crying. I am tired of caring about him and his feelings. He is a selfish individual. All he cares about is himself and his guilt. The boy is not living in reality. He is fucked up and I hate him.

This will be our last goodbye. I promise you that. I will never let him back into my life.

The countdown is on, I guess.

Our time left can only be measured in minutes. He is gone in less than 3 days. I am trying so hard to keep it together. Panic is starting to dig her heals in.

But I must be strong. I must focus on myself. I must not give in to the panic. I must realize that I have take care if myself. He is off on an adventure and I must be on one too. My adventure is called my life.

We were not meant to be. If we are nothing and no one will stand in our way. Even ourselves.

I have to embrace this opportunity. Life is about me now. I must heal myself, grow and become the real Amy. My life is no longer defined in terms of another. It should have never been that way.

You can pray, repeat mantras and cry. But realize that the hardest part will be over soon and life will get better. You have to take the bull by the horns. Take any comfort that you can.

He is on a journey. He is pursuing a relationship with another. He is nervous, excited and impatient for his new life to start. He needs to do this. He needs to test out his heart.

You need to find strength in you that is all about you. Not about if we meet again. You do not want to cry any more. You want to laugh and enjoy life.

You need him to be gone. You will never grow if he is here. You will always be tangled together. You do not need for his new relationship to be thrown in your face at every turn.

He is right. You can not read. You can not spy. You can not torture yourself any more. You have no control over what happens over there. The only control you have is over your own life.

Live each day, stop planning for the future, stop examining the past. You need to just live. You need to live in the moment. Be present in your own life. Value you. You cannot fall apart. You need to summon the inner strength you know you posses. You need to pick you. You know he did.

You have to take care of yourself. Make each day that you are alive and breathing a gift to yourself. Live and seek adventure each day.

Love yourself and the rest will come. Set immediate goals. Push yourself. You are in a relationship with yourself.

What he does, does not do is no concern of yours.

Grow and become you.

There is peace in being heard.

One of the most amazing things is to bear your heart and soul to another and feel like the words and truths you are speaking have been heard. There is peace is being heard. When you no longer feel like you have to defend. When you can speak honestly and freely and not worry about judgement.

I feel like we had a good talk. I asked for something to give me peace and I got it. Thank you.

Sign on the dotted line

Today I sign away my home.

Too much has been said to be unsaid

I lost it last night. The anger boiled up inside me and spewed out all over Robert. All the repressed anger I had about him, the girl, his ability to give up on me on us so easily.

He told me he is done. Our relationship has run it's course. There is no hope for us. The conversation turned ugly. He insulted me, blamed me and made me feel like it was all my fault. I was not present enough, I had too much self pity, I never achieved my goals. He said he always carried me but I was not there for him. I failed him.

I was there for him he just never saw me. He always thought I did not understand, I could not offer him solace.

Too much was said last night to be unsaid. I fear that too much was said that we can not spend his last few days together. There is too much hurt, too much anger and too much pain.

He no longer loves me. The distance between us has can no longer be mended. We have become two strangers.

It kills me. I just lost my best friend.

Love yourself my little Amy

You are strong. He is not the one for you. If he is the one for you he needs to realize it all on his own. You are letting him go. If he comes back to you then it was truly meant to be. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to experience true love. You deserve to be treated like a queen. You deserve to be with someone who thinks they can not live with you you. You have to let him go to keep him. You deserve to be happy for the rest of your life. You will search until you find someone who values you for you. Someone who thinks the moon and the sun shine out if your ass. You deserve to be cherished, adored, and loved. You want to be with someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with you. Someone who can not bear the thought of being apart from you. Someone who wants to have children with you and grow as a couple together. You deserve all that life has to offer you because you are amazing and you cannot and will not ever let a boy define your self worth.

You can no longer believe in the couple you can only believe in you. He has made all his choices, whether they are mistakes or not are yet to be discovered. You will not fall apart. You are strong.

You have nothing to prove to him. You only have to prove to yourself that you are worth it. Love yourself my little Amy and become the person you always wanted to be.

Boston. Destiny. Path.

When we at Niagara last year, we spoke of going to the Boston Marathon for him to race. It looks like life changed our destiny. We could have been there. We could have the ones who got hurt or god forbid died. I could have been desperately searching for him, scared out of my mind. Wondering where he is.

I guess life has a plan for us after all and we on the the right one.

'Happiness is a warm gun'

This statement got me thinking that he is so focused on his own happiness. I am just collateral damage.

Why am I not thinking of my own happiness. Why I am so focused on him? My happiness should be my top priority. I deserve to be happy. My heart is so tired of being sad that I think it is my turn to sore. I want to be happy. I am so tired of tears. I just want to laugh.

Not sure when the music stopped.

Certain memories can be trigger by a song. When, I was younger, I used to always associate people to certain songs or bands.

For example, Robert when I was younger was Moist. When I was older he became Radiohead and the Beatles.

When we were in Nice and were driving away from the city that stole from us it was The Beastie Boys blasting on the radio. When we were driving around British Columbia. It was a mix of Blondie and The Doors that we listened to over and over.

Aerosmith has always been the band I associate with my best friend. We went to so many concerts together. We used to sing Amazing, Crazy and What it takes on the way to clubs drunk. All the time.

My friend from Juan and Juanita used to always be defined by daft punk, and Portus Head. Along with anything Techno or Drum and Base.

When I lived with my roommate, we used to have kitchen party night and dance around like fools all around our apartment.
Black eyes peas and Franz Ferdinand were on auto play.

When my cat died last year, Imogene Heap played in the car while drive to pick strawberries and deal with the pain.

Now the music had stopped. I feel like my life has gone silent. I can't seem to hear anything anymore.

When will I be able to hear again?

My everything

And this is it. The moment I have been dreading for the last 3 months. I am so scared. How can i not talk to him for 6 months? I feel like I am losing a part of me. I feel so lost, so overwhelmed. I feel like I am going to lose it. The love of my life is walking out the door and we will not be apart of each others lives anymore. I won't know what he is thinking anymore, I won't hear his voice, his laugh, see his face, have his arms wrapped around me. I won't hear about all his adventures. I will not see him grow, achieve and smile.

I have lost my best friend, my soul mate,my confident, my everything.

When he walks on to that plane I am not sure how I will ever breath again.

I just want to go to sleep and wake up when all of this is over. I thought I was strong but I'm really not.

VISA approved. Next stop India.

I can't breath. The tears are brimming over. My heart is on a one way ticket to India.

I need to find the strength deep inside me. All I want to do is crawl up into a little ball.

butterflies in my belly.

Is this a love story that everyone will talk about? What I do with the butterflies in my belly? What do I do with the loneliness? What do I do about the constant longing?

Should I still have butterflies for the future?

Who would have ever though fruits and veggies could cause a breakdown?

Grocery shopping, once a joyous occasion has now become a chore. Done out of necessity rather than the desire to feed a family. I wander down the aisle and wonder what to buy, who am I buying it for, why even bother. I choke down tears while I search the aisles, trying to find my favorite food that only I like.

Should I start a rad new diet all about me? Should I only buy weird food that only I like? Should I still buy espresso and ice creme sandwiches for him when he comes over? The desire to "care" takes over and I cave in and buy the junk.

I look around at all the food and it is crazy how visually ramen noodles can start a flow of memories....and a slow ache in my heart.

I remember the first time he made that dish for me. We were at David apartment a long, long time ago and we ate it in a white dish that I had bought for him for that very purpose. He had just come back from China and was convinced that soup for breakfast, lunch and diner was where it was at. We were not going out at the time. Fast forward to years later in our apartment and he made the same dish again except this time he bought these sticky, mushy mushrooms for me (I love mush and he hates it)...it was totally disgusting...but it was a great memory. This soup has been a staple in our house when we wanted to be exotic and healthy...we used to shop at Chinese stores just to find the perfect broth..

I pack my fridge like I am feeding an army and then every week, I end up throwing half of it out...I really do not feel like cooking anything that I have bought...

I always loved grocery shopping with him. I asked him to come very chance I got!! I miss the way he used to annoyingly read the labels, the way he always wanted junk, the way he used to grab my ass in the aisles when no one was looking.

Who would have ever thought that grocery shopping could cause a breakdown.

Who ya gonna call, Your Ex girl friend!!

This weekend has been tough. This weekend has confused me about him and my feeling towards him. I am confused about what he feels about me anymore. If he actually has any feeling left that are not friendship based.

When your shoulder breaks, who ya gonna call, Your Ex girlfriend!

Since Friday, I have been taking care of Robert. He is probably one of the worst patients alive. He is moody, angry and in extreme pain. He is also bored and bitchy. He is demanding and does not seem to realize everything I am doing for him. Or the reason why I am doing it. It is not to get him back. Nope, rather because I love him. I can't bear to see him in pain.

Will anyone ever take care of him the
way I do? Does he even realize that?

Lost, confused and unsure.

I should hate you. I should be so mad at you. I should not be accepting and understanding, Amy anymore.

You lied to me. You cheated on me. You made a fool out of me. You betrayed our love and our small family. You ruined our future. You probably ruined any grain of trust that I could ever have in you.

I started looking at condos yesterday. I almost had a panic attack when I walked into the first place. I felt like I was outside my own body.

I have never felt so alone in my whole life. I have never felt so un-motivated in my whole life. I have never felt as unsure about me and my future as I do right now.

I do not know who I am anymore. Everything is changing around me and I feel like I have nothing to hold on too. I feel like I am loosing my grip.

I am so lost.

Fake it until you make it.

You have days where u feel like yourself for hours at a time. You laugh, joke with friends, work hard but then the night settles in and you are all alone trying to fill up the lonely hours. That is when the tears start and they don't seem to want to stop.

You talk to friends. They are too busy for you. They have kids to run after. You try your mother and she has your dad to take care of. And she is fed up of listening to you. You try your dating site. All is empty. You are trying to desperately to fill the hours before you go to bed

You want to connect with anyone cause the person you really want to connect with is not here.

You move on with your life. Make appointments to see condos you are not interested in seeing, text random guys that are too young for you. Plan to run races with paint thrown at you. All in an attempt to fill a void that only one person can fill.

You are trying desperately to fake it until you make it.

I think everyone can see right through me.