The light

I wish you could see. I wish you could feel what I feel. I wish the light would shine down on you. I wish it would spotlight me. I wish you could see how bright I am and how much brighter I could be. I wish you could see that together we would be brighter than a star. I wish you could see the light.

Your tears are my tears

Holding you while you cry. Knowing that your heart is broken. Knowing that I can not do anything. Knowing that there is nothing I can say. Knowing that you need so much right now.

I will always be your best friend. Your pain is my pain. I just know right now.

So sick of yourself

The best advice I got recently was- you are going to get so sick of yourself being sick that you will sicken yourself. If that makes any sense.

I know that I will have good days and bad days. I know that my good days will always have a linger feeling of sadness. I know that when I wake up each morning that something will always be missing.

Today, is his grandmother birthday supper. She is 93-94. This year they are going to a restaurant down the street that we always wanted to bring his grandmother too. So she could critique the food and tell us if it as authentic as her own sauce. Then they are going to the casino. I was always the good luck charm. Last year we won like $800 dollars on the tables. It was a blast. Every number we came up with was a winner. I am not going to be there and it kills me.

Tonight I have a girls night at a friends house. Do I really want to go and face people I haven't seen? No but I am going to drag my ass there and fake it.

Last night, my cousin from Vancouver was in town. Robert loves him. Years ago we went to Vancouver for a friends wedding. Mind you we were not even going out at the time. We had the most amazing time there. We explored the city, hiked up mountains on the way to Whistler, went mountain biking and generally had a blast together. My cousin mentioned that I was the only cousin who ever visited them in Van city. I wished Robert would have been there to share the night. I wasn't really there anyways.

Right now it is all about missing things.

I promised myself that I would not write him anymore emails, text him or beg him. We see each other because we still live together- barely.

I am trying to get by the best way I know how. I know I am sick of myself. I am sick of the tears, I am sick of always feeling like shit. I am so sick of myself that I have no other choice but push forward.

Is this for me??

'For when we meet, we would be knowing each other's stories...and maybe on our way to start our own story.'

Who is this for? Probably not me. But why would you be so cruel to post this when you know I read. It must be for me. I need it to be for me.

You get shit on

Sometimes you put away all your pride, your hurt, your feelings and you think about the other person and then you get shit on. You think to yourself nothing is important in this life as how the other person feels and then you shove all your feeling up your own ass and you try to be there for someone else. Knowing that they are probably going to ask someone else for help. Someone who does not know everything. Someone who has not lived through everything. Someone who does not understand your guilt. Someone who is not me.

Sleep, you tell me. I laugh at the thought. I want to be here for you because I think you need someone. You push me away and it hurts. I only want to take you in my arms, not as a girlfriend, but as a friend and hold you until I know you are okay.

I know we are strangers right now but do not make us so strange that we do not recognize each other.

I feel your pain, I understand your guilt and I want to wipe away your tears. Even if it is only for a moment in time. Because all we have left is moments.

Our love story- the beginning

I met Robert in High School. We really did not pay attention to each other until secondary three when we sat together on a Geography field trip. I remember everyone teasing us, that we were a cute couple. I just loved sitting next to him. I felt a spark!!

We then had a geography project on paper that we were paired up together. He used to come to my house after school. I remember wanting to kiss him while we watched the Wonder Years.

Nothing much came of us for a couple more years. He went out with a girl named Julia that he was in love with and broke his heart.

When our spark rekindled, we were in secondary 5. He was a musician and I worked at McDonald's. He dedicated a Weazer song to me at the variety show. This song is for errrr Amy. In French class he sat in front of me and once changed a Tripping Daisy song for me to include my love of cats. I wasn't sure about him. We talked all night on the phone. He used to tolerate my 20 questions nights. I think he just wanted to get into my pants!!

We went on a date. We played in the snow and he sat on me. Looked at me and did not kiss me.

Our first kiss, was full of adventure. My best friend and I lied to my parents. We tried to get into a club were carded and the called Robert and his best friend to pick us up. We snuck into his house via the basement window. My best friend and his watched pornos in the next room while I had my first kiss. I still remember that kiss. It was weird to have his tongue in my mouth yet it felt amazing. I was so tinglingly for the rest if the day when I thought about it.

He asked me out on May 11, we were making out in the Red Lobster parking lot and missed our reservation call. He then asked me out later that night while we made out. Was not the most romantic but it was our moment.

I do not remember much after that. It all moulds together. I know I went on a trip to Florida with his family one Christmas.

We went out for about 2 years and then broke up when we were in cegep. That period was tough, but we always kept in contact. I dated people, he dated people.

To be continued.

My memory will haunt you

I know you. I know you are not living in reality right now. I know that nothing has hit you yet. I know you do not comprehend that I will move out, buy a place, live my life without you. I will have new experiences that you will not be privy too. I will celebrate occasions without you. I will smile, laugh and you will not know about it. I will not be a part of your life. I will not share anything with you. You do not realize it now Pussycat. But you will. And when you do it will be a hard day.

I am living that reality everyday. I drove my car down our street and I remember going to look at the house on Beaumont with our Dads. The dreams we had to renovate. The unrealistic dreams we had. I remember when we got this place. You got the call and you jumped up and hugged me. You were whopping and screaming. I was in shock!!

You will live in this place. My memory will haunt you. Yours does everyday for me. This is our home. You are not living in reality Pussycat.

I'm very mad at you.

Yes, it is about time. You do not want to live a life with me. Well fine then. Your free of me. Let someone else wipe your ass. Let someone else deal with your moods. Your lack of commitment. Your fears. Let someone else support you. Let someone else paint, destroy and build. Let some else feel that they are not good enough because they do not get it. You want to find someone that gets you and accepts you. Well, find them. I accepted that you did not have a 9-5 job. I accepted that you were different. That you wanted different things out if life. I accepted that you were not the norm and I loved you for that and you gave up on us. I hate you because you let me love you.

Who are you?

What happened to you? I do not recognize the person standing in front of me. The person I knew believed in us, believed in me and believed in himself. Now it only seems that you only believe in yourself. I'm watching you and you seem to have become so cold toward me. So detached. You do not seem to care that our whole life will no longer exist.

When I mention that I am getting a realtor in to evaluate the house. You don't even seem to flinch. When I mention that I am looking at condos. You seem fine with it. All in a days work. I am so distraught and you seem so calm and sure.

When we talk about who gets what. You tell me to take everything. I know that that is guilt talking. I want to leave you with special pieces that mean something to us. You just say take everything.

You say you were scared that I did not see what was going on. I am scared that you don't seem to realize what we had. That you seem to be able to give it all up. You have so much hope for the future and your future does not seem to include me.

Your letter, yes it exudes hope for me, for us but I really I don't believe it. You seem so fine that we are separating. You say that my grieving takes too much place. It does because I feel like I am so lost. I don't know you anymore.

Times a waistin'

The last time we broke up he wrote me an email. The email feels like a déjà vu. We were in the same place 7 years ago. He needed to be let free to explore. He needed to experience life. He felt trapped. He wanted to meet people and explore connections.

He still loved me. He said he was not living in reality. He knew we would never get over each other. We just needed to live out lives.

He ended that email by saying that one day he would knock on my door in another sweet déjà vu and put a ring on my finger.

I hope that that comes true. I hope that the last 7 years hasn't changed that.

Insomnia seriously

It is 4:20 in the morning and I am up. It has been a month of interrupted sleep and I feel like it is getting worse. I fell asleep to a movie tonight-Big Fish but woke up to a nightmare about her wiping away your tears and have been up since.

I have my trainer coming tomorrow at 9 am. God I need to sleep to start healing and taking control if my life. My friends invited me to watch the game at a sports bar. I want to be in.

I feel so sick right now. My body hurts, I am nauseous and I am dead tired.

How can I heal if I can't sleep? When you sleep does your body not repaired itself. I need sleep. Sleep should be my sweet reprieve. A time to forget before I have to wake-up and face the day.

Looking at condos is stressing me out. I keep on thinking that 2 years ago when we found this, it felt like all the stars aligned. Now I have to do this all on my own. I have to live alone. I am so scared.

Just as an FYI. My blog is private. He doesn't know about it. It is my way to figure out my shit.

Your Hank Moody

Minus the compulsive sex addiction, excessive drug and alcohol use. You never watched the episode where they showed the early stuff between Hank and Karen. But I did and even back then, I knew that they reminded me of us. He is a free spirit, can never commit and constantly screws up (ok u don't do that) but the idea is there. They always seem to find a way back to each other. They need each other, they live for each other. They forgive each other because they know they are more.

Fuck the Kevin and Winnie crap. They are too innocent. Karen and Hank are jaded. They have rough edges. They belong together even if all the odds and themselves are plotting against it.

They always find a way back to each other. I know we will too.

But like Karen, I have to live my life while you figure out yours. I will live my life and hope that you are my Hank.

Losing myself

A friend said recently, I just was not around for the last little while. I have been thinking about that statement a lot. I was gone. But was I just gone for all of my friends? Or was I gone from myself too. I know the last year, I was in a little bubble with my new house. I really did not want to hang with anyone. I was nesting. I only wanted to hang with Robert. This is not like me. Was I depressed? Was I pushing everyone away? Was I tired? Did I feel too fat to hang out in public?

It was not like me. I used to have girls night all the time. I used to host girls night all the time. It became a chore. Why? When I did go out, I used to want to go home cause he was there or I relished the fact that I had the place to myself. I became a loner. Why?

I still spoke and saw my best friend, her kid, my parents, my nephew religiously. But I seemed to shut everyone else out. Why did I do that? It was un-healthy. Now I know that I have push myself to reconnect with these friends.

I was actually starting too before the whole break-up. One of my good friends moved 2 mins away from our house. I was excited to see her all the time. I had so many plans for us!!

I feel like my disconnect from friends, has caused me to disconnect from life and made me less. It changed me. I want to get that party animal back. She was fun!!

I think he missed her. I miss her. She had a lot of life. Why did I change?

The Unconventional-Conventional

I know you want to live a life that is not conventional. I know that you hate fitting into the mold. I know that you want to be free to explore. I too am unconventional, maybe not to the extreme that you are. I want conventional things but could have them in an unconventional manner. I do not want to be the typical couple, I never thought we were. Unfortunately we became what I never wanted. 

I know I wanted a house, the kids; the suburban life. I know it made you feel trapped. I know I was in my glory and you were at your lowest. But pussycat, I do want these things, I pushed for these things. Maybe I thought if I pushed hard enough you would want them too. Every time, I want something conventional you freak. You run away from me. I am just so scared that you will run away so far that you will not come back.

If you asked me to run away with you, I would. I wish you would have.

That house is just four walls and a leaky roof. The house has no meaning if you are not there.

Meet me in Montauk

The thought I just having a pill to erase all my pain would be wonderful. A treatment that would erase the last 15 years of him would ease my sorrow. But where would I be? Would I be any better off. Is it better to have lived through heartbreak than to have never experienced life. The last 15 years shaped me. Good and bad. I would never trade them. Or would I??

I too pray for a time when we can frolic in the cold winter sand and find each other again. If only to make the same mistakes again. But somehow if we meet again I think it will be different. Those mistakes will be lessons. Our hearts will be ready We will be ready. We will be different yet the same. I hope that day comes.

The Absolute

You are so absolute. Once you make a decision there is no changing your mind. You look at our relationship as one big mess. You want to look at at and dissect it. I have been, I will.

I know that looking back that you changed towards me. You were always easily annoyed by me, you did not seem to care what was going on in my life, if my view points did not agree with yours you often would claim that we are complete opposites. You seemed to relish in the fact that we were opposites. It gave your arguments against us power. You would tell me that people would look at us and wonder why. I know now that that was you reflecting. You always picked on me, my choices, my friends, my lifestyle. Everything about me annoyed you. You always judged me harsher than others, you never looked at me like I was special, you never went out of your way to make me feel good about myself. You took every opportunity to break me down. You never wanted to do things with me anymore but claimed that we were boring. I suggested countless activities but you never felt like it.

I remember in Costa Rica, we had spent the night in the car (I did that to make you happy) and in the morning, I had to go to the bathroom and it annoyed you. You said I was a baby. When we drove back from Niagara falls after your race, where you had to mentioned that I was not there to meet you at the finish line (Even though I took an amazing picture of you running to the finish line), you got mad at me cause I was scared to drive in the pitch black. When we painted the house, you told me that I could not paint because I always had to control thing. It had to my way. I just wanted to be a part of the whole process.

You never tell me I am beautiful, you never look at me like I am the most amazing being on earth. You seem to always be embarrassed that I am your girlfriend. You never once posted a picture of me on FB or Twitter.

I'm mad now cause I know I failed you in the past but I never treated you like a piece of shit.

Our relationship has been the shit.

It is all smoke and mirrors

My love has a connection with another lady. One all the way across the ocean in India. I read some emails that I should not have. I constantly stalk twitter for her posts. I think she is in Love with you. I think you might be in love with her. How did this ever happen to me??

How can you have a connection with someone you do not even know? How can you contemplate visiting some chick you hardly know. How can you give up our life????? Are you that afraid of commitment?

All her post about you seem to exude some hope, some hope that I know you are fostering. Why do you not want to be connected with me?

I know I am not the most worldly, philosophical girl but I feel deeply. I care deeply. I might not be the person who you discuss the news with or tunes you into the latest song but I offer you and us so much more than that.

Why can't you look into my eyes and see what I see about us. Why are you looking at someone else?

Why can't you realize that this is just a point in our life where we are missing eachother's signals but our connection runs so deep nothing and no one will ever be able to break it. We are a part of eachother and whether I watch a debate, listen to latest song, or suggest some book-it will not break- it just simply exists!

Why did you loose faith in me, in us, in our life..what connection could she possibly offer you that is not fictitious...it doesn't exist, it is all smoke and mirrors..when you haven't even kissed her lips, held her while she cried, looked deeply into her eyes, held her hand while you slept.......I am real. 

Earth to me

Life happens. You let things go. You let yourself go. You make the wrong priorities more important.

I feel like my eyes are open. I feel like I have been under water for far too long. I realize that I have not been the partner I could have been. The partner that I can be. And it is too late.

I know that our dynamics never allowed me to realize the truth. I was so focused on being the one who believed in us. The one who defended us that I never allowed us the chance to grow together. I was closed off to listening, experiencing and growing. I could never hear you. You were screaming out that you were unhappy and I closed my eyes.

I feel like right now, I am so open. My heart is exposed. I hear you now Pussycat. The problem is that it is too late.

When Life gives you lemons, Ya make limonade

I went for a long walk to clear my mind. I came uo with a couple of rules to live by:

1- I need to get healthy- »For me this means working out everyday, taking a walk every day to clear my mind or mourn, I want and need to loose 30 pounds. It will be become my new goal, my reason of being.

2- I need to do one nice thing a day for me. For only me. I need to learn to focus on myself and my needs. I think somewhere along the line I forgot about me and only though in terms of us. To me, this mean taking a bath, doing my nails, inviting the girls over, trying out a new recipe. To do something every day, no matter how minute, just to make me happy.

3- I need to do something a week that gets me out of my comfort zone. Something exciting, something adventurous, something that will make me feel like I am alive.I`m not sure exactly what this might be. It could be something simple like trying a new resturant or going to a movie alone. One thing that I am planning on doing is my certification to become an aeorbic instructor. Class would start in February.

4- I need to accept my anxiety and no longer let it rule or interfer with my life. I need to tell myself that I will never get better if I do not push myself. I have an anxiety disorder that I have been dealing with for over 10 years. I am much better than I used to be but I still feel like I am not myself. The person I want to be has been lost. I want to try and find her. She is a great person!She deserves to be happy.

Finally, I need to hold myself accountable for these rules. No slacking!!

Give anything for borring

It is 10:45am and the endless hours ahead of me agitate me.  I feel like I have no life, I feel like my life revolved around him and now that he is gone, I have no life.My life now consists of watching other people have fun. Being to asked to join in on their family fun time. I need to get a life. I always wanted to be with him. That was my life. Sure I have friends and hung out with them. They are busy, they are moms.

Maybe that was one of the biggest problems, my life resolved around him and not around me. Let this be a lesson to me to never let that happen again. I just need to find a life and very soon or I am going to go crazy.

Saturdays was always our day- We usually hung out, walked around the neighbourhood, did some errands. Made supper together. Was our day borring, yes but we were together all day and I loved it. Today is Saturday and I miss him so much. I would give anything for borring right now.

I am homeless

Home is where is the heart is..I created a home for us. I thought a home was more than four walls and a roof. It was a place where our dreams were shared, created and materialized. I feel homeless right now. I am literally homeless. My home is where you are and you are not here.

Seeing you refer to your pad as your new home hurt me. I helped you create your new home. I put my tears into your new home. How can you have a new home if I am not in it.

But I am homeless. We bought a place together. We tore down walls, rebuilt walls, painted walls, fought over paint colours and designs. I love our home. I had some many dreams for our home. I wanted this home to be so many things for us.

I feel like a prisonier in our home right now. Every wall, piece of furniture has a memory attached to it about you.

I miss you.

Tears drip down my face

So I try to go for walks every day to try and clear my head and quite honestly tire out my body so that I can attempt to sleep at night. When I walk, I try to process what is going on. I try to answer question with no answers. I try to piece back our life and wonder what we, I could have done differently. I walk with tears streaming down my face and with that ugly cry face. I must look crazy to the outside.

I am just a lonely soul trying to walk away the pain.

Cold Shoulder

A cold shoulder, a lingering glance, a chaste kiss on my lips- Is this what we have become? Have all the years, the love, the laughter mean nothing. I long for so much right now but mostly I long for an opportunity to have a proper good-bye.

2 weeks is not enough time to digest everything, I have had to digest. 2 weeks is not long enough for me to comprehend what my future holds, 2 weeks is not long enough for me to see the light.

I cling onto you right now because I am scared. I am scared that the next kiss, embrace, talk will be the last one. I am not ready to face a life without you. I am barely able to keep my heart in one piece right now. I miss you already and you are still here.

I am not ready for this to be the end. I don’t think we are finished with each other yet. I think our story still continues. It has to. I need it to.

The commitment-phoebe

Reading emails from a long lost friend about the breakdown of her marriage made me realize that there has always been a pattern of lingering doubt, a nagging feeling about Robert. I have always felt that he was never committed to me, that he never was sure, that he was not proud to be called my boyfriend. That he always though the grass was greener. My mistake has always been that I thought he would change; that he would realize that the grass was really greener where he was standing. I realize now that I could not believe in us for the both of us. He needs to believe it in all on his own.

The final Good-bye

I know the end is soon. I am dreading saying good-bye. I know that my life with my pussycat has reached its full circle. We have been together for over 15 years. He is my first love, my high school crush, my lover, my best-friend, my therapist, my soul mate.

We have lived together for over 5 years. Bought and built a home together and in the next couple of days, weeks, I will have to set him free completely. I am not sure if my heart can handle the pain. I will miss waking up to him every morning, giving him a small but annoying kiss every morning before I head off to work, I will miss watching him sleep, listening to him snore (and kicking him), I will miss doing projects around the house with him, I will miss all night Mario marathons, I will miss walking around the neighborhood discovering new places, I will miss hosting family dinners with him and the mad painting/clean-up that always takes place the night prior, I will miss having him grudgingly rubbing my feet, I will miss debating about who makes the best sauce, I will miss talking to him about non-sense, I will miss his sense of humor when I am mad- he is the only one that can tell me a joke and crack a smile on my face,  I will miss laughing at our cats together.

I will miss all the things that would have been yet to come- Summer dinners outside by the mini pool, planting the garden, going on a trip to an exotic location and exploring the culture, the food. I will miss having a perfect vacation where everything is just right just as equally as I will miss the vacations where everything goes wrong- because there is beauty in the mess. I will miss decorating my house- making it into a home- there is still so much work left to do, I will miss our winter walks up the mountain, I will miss all the years that we could have shared, the children we could have had, the experience that we could have shared together.

The final good-bye is soon…and I will miss how you make my heart feel.

Sometimes an orchid needs to die in order to be re-born

Masochist or romantic. You be the judge.

I am sitting here reflecting why I am painting with my ex boyfriend pad. Am I doing to say a good-bye. To put a mark on the room so he can always remember me. Or am I just doing it to rolling the enviable. I just don't know right now. All I know is that I want to spend as much time together until we have to say good-bye. Who loses?? Me??

It`s your birthday and I`ll cry if I want to

You once wrote an amazing blog about me for my Birthday. I have re-read it so many times in the past few days. This is my Blog to you on your birthday.

You are the love of my life, my biggest inspiration, my most annoying cheerleader; you still make my heart pitter-patter when you look at me. I have watched you grow into a man, I have held your hand while you achieved and I have wiped away your tears when you were broken. I have shared my life with you, I have shared my heart and my pain with you. I have walked so many miles with you all over the world, I have laughed so hard with you over stupid things, and I have raised two cats and one ghost with you. You have been my best friend, my therapist, my lover for half my life. You will always be a part of me because you helped create me. You are a dreamer, an artist, a free spirit. You are a beautiful person and I will always love you.

Tonight my dear, sweet pussycat, I would like to kiss you once last time on your birthday.