So sick of yourself

The best advice I got recently was- you are going to get so sick of yourself being sick that you will sicken yourself. If that makes any sense.

I know that I will have good days and bad days. I know that my good days will always have a linger feeling of sadness. I know that when I wake up each morning that something will always be missing.

Today, is his grandmother birthday supper. She is 93-94. This year they are going to a restaurant down the street that we always wanted to bring his grandmother too. So she could critique the food and tell us if it as authentic as her own sauce. Then they are going to the casino. I was always the good luck charm. Last year we won like $800 dollars on the tables. It was a blast. Every number we came up with was a winner. I am not going to be there and it kills me.

Tonight I have a girls night at a friends house. Do I really want to go and face people I haven't seen? No but I am going to drag my ass there and fake it.

Last night, my cousin from Vancouver was in town. Robert loves him. Years ago we went to Vancouver for a friends wedding. Mind you we were not even going out at the time. We had the most amazing time there. We explored the city, hiked up mountains on the way to Whistler, went mountain biking and generally had a blast together. My cousin mentioned that I was the only cousin who ever visited them in Van city. I wished Robert would have been there to share the night. I wasn't really there anyways.

Right now it is all about missing things.

I promised myself that I would not write him anymore emails, text him or beg him. We see each other because we still live together- barely.

I am trying to get by the best way I know how. I know I am sick of myself. I am sick of the tears, I am sick of always feeling like shit. I am so sick of myself that I have no other choice but push forward.