Act like you are in competition.

Hmmmm. Probably one of the best pieces is advice I have been ever been given.  

A moment...

It is two years soon we broke up. I have had a million years to think and process us. I know we were never meant to be. I know we were toxic together. We did not grow as people. You want to know my problem with you and will always be my problem with you.  You treated me like a piece of shit. You lied. You cheated and you hurt me after the fact. It will always seem like you went out of you way to hurt me. You became a stranger. I'm not sure why you did all that. I'm not sure why you left me to deal with everything all alone. I'm not sure why you you never told me everything. I'm not sure why you never had the gusts to tell me you were getting married. I  lost my best friend. Not because we broke up but because you forgot I was a person. You forgot me. I will always feel like you went out of your way to hurt me. Why ?? so I got over you? Done. But I will never be over the over how you treated me.  I was your best friend.  I can not wrap my brain around it. You would hurt me on purpose. Granted I am the strongest person I could ever be. But you destroyed my faith in good people. For what? To show me you were done with us??

You ignore my letter, it was harsh. It was everything you deserved to hear. I write this now to release me. I need to put the guilt and anger back on you. You hurt someone. Deal with it. I no longer want to carry it around. 

I need a moment 

It's all about timing....

Everything comes down to timing. The guy I went on a date with. The most perfect date. His father is dying. 

A couple months back he told me his dad was given a month to live. We spoke about it briefly but I kinda figured he wanted and needed a distraction. I followed up a couple times but I got the feeling he did not want to talk about it. I left it alone. I can even imagine the pain he is in. 

After our date, he sent me a text letting me know his dad had taken a turn for the worse and it would be a matter of days. I followed up a couple times but I'm not really sure what my place is here. If he were my friend or boyfriend I would be there every day for him. But we are nothing except two people who get along and had a great date 

I don't know him well enough to really know what he needs. Some like to talk. Some like be alone. Some need a distraction. I'm not really sure what he needs. 

So basically it all comes down to timing. I know I want to see this guy again. I'm just not sure when our second date will be.  If there will be one...

It's all about timing. 

And the truth hurts. I guess

So in an attemp to fill up some time. I started talking to a guy who was younger. Honestly he bored me but I was bored and looking to chat for shits and giggles. Anywho, I was like I think he's into me and I know I am not. He was calling me all the time ectra ectra. So I did not want to be a guy and do the ignorning thing so I told him that It was not going to work. Sorry. He was too young. Did think we got along bla bla bla. I thought since he was a nice guy he deserved not to be let on. Haha I was so wrong. He called me and demanded to know why. Honestly I was not going to say that he bored me or that I did not feel any type of connection. Geeze we only spoke for like a week. Really. Is that not the point to see if we have anything in common. Anyways. He basically told me off and acted like a complete GIRL. Actually worse. I actually never ask people why?? I just figured I'm not for everyone. Not everyone has to like me. And it's OKAY!

Lol. I was told by a friend to ignorn him. Trust me from now on when I'm not interested. I will. I guess the truth hurts. 

Oh well...

Flattery will get you everything...

And ladies and gentleman we might have a winner on our hands. So in my quest to put myself out there I went on another date last night. Yes that is right it is three in a row. 

I have been talking to him for months now. We had a couple of breaks where were out of touch but so somehow always found a way back to eachother. 

We never met until last night. I never had a date where I felt so comfortable with a person. It was like hanging with old friend. He  looked different than I imagined but in a good way. He was a good looking man who was personable, talkative and I could tell was really into me. 

I've never been on a date where I felt so desired. It was a nice feeling after being with Robert who made it a point to distroy my self confidence as a women. When I went to the bathroom as cheesy as this sounds he sent me a text to let me know that he found me hot. 

Maybe it was a bit much. Maybe I'm not used to a guy verbalizing what he thinks about me in a positive way. It actually put me on guard a bit. I started to feel like he was just saying stuff and did not really mean it. 

He told me it was the best date he has ever been on. He said I was funny. I made him laugh. Said I was an amazing kisser ectra ectra...I guess flattery will get you everything!!

Compliments are nice in whatever form they take. 

Guy radar!

Funny cause I went on another date this week with another guy and low and behold:

1-guy that I was speaking to for months but we never met who completely flaked out on me when I did try to meet and never texted me again for like a month and half contacted me. He said hey gorgeous, I miss you ectra ectra. I did not question his disappearing act but I will when the time is right! Strange!!

2-my so called complicated fwb who I never see invited me to his country place for the night. I have not seen him over 6 months. We text here and there. It took every ounce of self control not to go. Radar I tell you. 

Back to the date. It was fun. He was cool. He was not for me but I would hang with him again but honestly I know he will never contact me. I just know these things sometimes. 

I know my blogs are all about boys. I might seem boy crazy I know. I just find dating really confusing. I never did it. I'm making all the mistakes I should have made when I was in my 20's now!!

Parts of it are fun but I'm starting to get fed up. I just want to meet a cool, sexy, interesting guy to hang with and possibly build a relationship with. I think I am more and more ready to give away my heart. I actually want to know what that feels like. The butterflies, the smiles, the attraction...

Oh well I guess right now I have to settle for guy radar....

Get the hell outta dodge!!

That pretty much summarize my first date in 6 months. 

I've never been on a date where I did not feel like a guy wanted to be near me. To be honest I was really not into him either but haha. I kinda wanted to be desired. 

Whatever. I guess I'm back in the game. I'm ready to meet people. Have fun. Enjoy people enjoy people for who they are. 

Long texting sessions are a thing of the past. It's kinda pointless cause when you finally do meet if no chemistry exists you just wasted weeks. 

Changes are a coming!!

I feel it in my body. Things are going to change soon. The winds of tide has finally blown in my direction. I'm ready, able and capable of taking any challenge that comes my way. 

Will it be hard? Yes! Will I feel anxious?? Yes absolutely!! Will it e good for me??? Obviously. 

If your not changing, you are not living!  

Changes are a coming and I for one am happy to embrace them with a friendly hello :)

Sunday morning coffee talk about boys...

Boys, boys and more boys. It's funny how boys seem to come out of the wood work unexpectedly. You have not spoken to then for months and bam they magically appear. Guys you figured you would never speak to again and never gave it a second thought. 

Am I just a filler? The go to girl when things are slow? The girl good for a chat but nothing more. I wonder why they all keep on contacting me. 

In a span of one week three guys from my past contacted me. Three guys that I forgot about. Okay two I forgot about the other he should get his own blog entree as he is confusing as hell!!

I wonder what would happen if I ignored them all. Well one I plan on ignoring. It was a really bad date and I'm not interested at all. 

Ahh Sunday morning coffee talk about boys... Super confusing!!

The serpant....

A dream. A waterside. A man (Robert) fights for your honor while a dream man pinches your boob. Really!

 A realization that when ever you speak about rekationship and try to relate you always bring him up. It feels hallow but it's the only you can feel like you are part of the conversation. You have this past. This garden of Eden mixed with with a serpant. You wonder, does he do this too???

Did he have sub-human emotions!

I was was told for so long I just did not get it. It's funny cause I still sometimes read his blogs (yes tell me off)...and I get every fucking reference but somehow I just never got it.....

We would argue. We would talk. We would converse. I according to him never got anything. He wanted someone to agree to his sub human emotions. 

Maybe she had some super powers that I never could never ever possibly acquire. I wish her good luck on her journey. Hope she can has a fucking fucking degree in decoding crap!

Secrets...

I know that no one around me has ever gone through what I have gone through. Everyone tells me they are impressed with who I have become. I'm not sure if I an just numb or I just processed and moved on. 

All I know is that I am scared all the time. It feels good to let out my little secret. I had to give up everything I ever wanted to just to be sain. There is no point in holding onto a future that you have no idea if it will ever exist. 

Another secret. I have no idea what I am doing. I have no direction. I exist. Parts of me are changing but I have no idea what the future holds.  Maybe that is the beauty of it all. 

Story left untold

I realized I stopped writing cause people hating on me made me feel like I was crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm me and fucking proud of me. 

I just had a friend tell me that I should only divulge my story on date let's say 5/6.  She's like it's traumatic!

I wonder how my story reflect's upon me. I'm talking to this guy. He has all the whit to keep me enertained. He makes me laugh. He has all the right words. He's been in a long term relationship and seems to hold her in high esteme. I held up the pretence cause in a normal situation I would have always valued Robert. I can not seem bitter. 

My past scares me. My story taints me. I feel like it might be a story better left untold. 

A thing of the past....

Most who never had a panic attack in their life will not be able to relate. Most who have never had their life freeze in time; A moment where fear paralyzed you and you stopped trusting in yourself. When your life stopped bring your own. 

My second trip to Miami. A fearless plan ride has shown me that I am so strong. I've changed and I do not even I realised how much. 

I have so much more work to do but a small smile is creeping upon my face as I realize that perhaps maybe fear might be a thing of the past. 

Nice to meet you!

Funny how things hit you like a tonne of bricks but finding yourself slowly creeps up on you until one day you look at yourself, your life and realize you are content. Your not worried about tomorrow, all you care about is right now. Making the most of the day. Making the most of any opportunity. You realize that you are you again and it is damn nice to have finally met yourself again. 

Sex, lies and video tapes??

This week I had a few poignant conversations with random girls about their sex lives. Issues they were experiencing with their better halves. Issues involving communication, spicing up their sex lives and the difference on how men and women view sex. 

It was actually cathartic. It made me take a few steps back and view my old sex life  when I was in a relationship. I realized I wanted so many things out if it but like a compliant girl I voiced my opinion to deaf ears. 

I realize that sex is such and integral part of a relationship. An area that needs to be nurtured and tended too. Like everything in our relationship I was the only one trying. 

I'm kinda ready to release my inner sex goddess with the right guy. I'm ready to have sex, lies(hmmm maybe not so much) and definitely video tapes!

As I watch the waves crash.

Life always takes a different turn when you pounder it seaside. Life seems so simple and somehow hopeful. There has always been something about the ocean. Or perhaps the y-ocean as my nephews calls it. I always feel at peace here. I am trying to soak in as much sea air as I can. It calms me. My soul rests. I feel it in my soul. I can not continue to live my life and blame someone else. It is time for me to be me. To face all my fears and become the person I was always meant to be. 

I need the sea salt to sink in and create the most beautiful metemprphisis I have ever seen. I am tired of simply existing. I want to live. 

McDonald's ya think!

Seriously. I have had some haters post comments. I'm all for free speach but comments that are not written in proper English or come from a person who has possibly never experience love and then pass judgement on me. This is my life. This is my way of processing all the shit that I am going through. I am choosing a public outlit I get that but telling me I love McDonald's and are chunky monkey is classless.  You possibly never ever had a heart. 

I have to explain nothing to anyone. 

Should or shouldn't I?

You always prided us on being honest with each other. Being able to bear our souls to each other. You have a wife. It kills me to say and I need not say why. You know why. It makes you the biggest hypocrite alive. 

You should have told me. I'm absolutely finished with the idea that we could ever be "so called best Friends". Thank you for making a fool out of me. I thought you respected me and our years together. A heads up before the world and FB would have been the least you could have done. 

All I ever asked from a dear friend was to know that I meant the world to the person I was with and my years did not mean nothing. You ignored me.  

Robert honestly you have to stop thinking of yourself. Two people were in the relationship. One needs to be set free. Stop thinking of yourself. Let me go in the beauty that I deserve. 

Anyone ones thought at this point would be much needed. 

The beauty of oblivion

As I debated with a good mutual friend the benefits of me not bring told directly by my ex. Me have an extra day of oblivion. She said she told him directly to not tell me. She felt it was selfish and self serving. One more way for him to ease his guilt. 

There is beauty in oblivion. 

Going to the Hindi Chaple....

Well my ex got married. Shocker!! I found out through all my friends who believed that I deserved the respect to learn the information not via social media but through a warm embrace. 

I'm not gonna lie, I think I am still In shock but I'm okay. It hurts on so many levels that I can not even begin to explain but somehow I see that the man he has become, the coward he has developed into is my gain. 

The simple statement that my ex has a wife puts my mind into a full blown melt down. The idea that someone supersedes me. That they are the one that got everything I ever wanted from him. That he is a hypocrite. That I am alone while he has a wife. I'm being punished for some sin I can not remember commiting. 

I know I make no sense. I'm just a girl in utter pain but I'm also a girl who had to use all this pain to make something out of myself. This soap opera life that is mine needs to be a thing of the past. I need a clean slate. I need to be free of the bondage that has been chocking me. I need to finally breath. 

Chopsticks for one

Clark street right? A familiar statement from the Japanese resturant owner. 

I went to my favourite little sushi place and when I purchased my take out sushi, for the first time ever I said chopsticks for one. 

I'm single and it's time I stop pretending to my Japenese resturant owner. I might not be willing to admit I moved but I'm willing to accept that I only need chopsticks for one. 

All in a days work!

Strawberry fields

This he acknolwdges and remembers. I guess since I'm not a ghost cat, I matter not at all. Oh well. 

Goats on your birthday!!

So I have gone "twitter/blog"" cold turkey for three weeks. Once my ex did not acknowledged my birthday. Once I realize evidently the guy I spend 17 years with does not give a shit about me enough to wish a "best friend" happy birthday. That it was time to forget about the biggest loser of my life. He is an ass. He has moved on and clearly any connection with me is unimportant. I mean nothing. It can be quiet liberating to know that you mean nothing. You would think it would distroy you rather it motivates you to find your inner peace and happiness. 

He thought about finding a mountain goat on my birthday. How very bohemian of him. He is exactly where he needs to be. Hopefully and I am mean this with all hearts and love it will bring him straight to hell. 

Ps. Billy goat, billy goat rah rah rah!

My person

I have my people but I have always had my Persons.

I had my persons for years. They had been my best friend for my whole entire life it might seem. They had been my soul mate, my partner in crime, my confident and my rock.  

Both of their lives have changed. Enriched by their families but they will always be my people. 

I watched the finale of grays this week. The concept of your person was always been Robert for me and then it dawn on me as they danced that your person is not your better half but the person who sees you, the person who laughs when know ones else does,the person who who calls out your bullshit cause they love you to death. 

I love my peeps. 

I wonder....

I wonder if I misread the signs. I wonder if I misread the person. I wonder if I said way too much. I wonder if I messed up my chances. I wonder if I even had a chance. 

I went on the most boring date last night. Not only did he misrepresent himself but I felt like I was on a date with a 50 year old man. There was no fun, no flirting, no laughter. Honestly from the minute I sat down I was ready to leave. An early flight was a perfect excuse to leave. Please no need to walk me to my door. I think he knew I was no interested. 

Then it dawned on me. There has been one person in the last year that I look forward to his texts. I look forward to seeing him. I think I make up excuses or try to be just about hooking up with him just so I can hang with him. When I don't see him for awhile I want to see him. Everyone I meet is never as fun as him. I think I think I had to be someone that he wanted to hook up with. That fun carefree girl who did not want anything from him. 

I think I might ask him on a date. A real date. One with dinner and anticipation of kissing afterwards. It might be backwards. It is backwards. 

I wonder if I should. I wonder if he was the guy jean spoke about during my reading???

Anxiety is scary

Anxiety is scary. Anxiety digs it's heels in and won't let go. Anxiety feels like you are slowly going crazy. Anxiety is my enemy. Anxiety actually has no control over me anymore. Anxiety used to control me but now I don't pay it any attention. Anxiety every once in awhile becomes a scary place for me. 

I just need to enjoy the ride and realize that I just need to relax and realize that anxiety is just not that scary. 

You don't need an invitation to your own life!

That simple statment is so profound to me right now. There are certain statements that make an impact on your heart and mind. Another one is that the universe gives you what you need not what you want. I need these words. They help motivate me. They help heal my heart. Words have never been so important to me as they are right now. I'm in a period of transition and I feel like I am finally going down the right path. 

You can't give up on yourself!

Im not sure exactly what that means for me. I know I am waiting on a life changing experience right now that would be perfect for me and would challenge me in every way. I try not to get too excited in fear that I will be disappointed. My little heart is so fragile right now. It has a tough exterior that allows little bits of hope to seep in. I'm not entirely sure why my journey is so tough. I do not know but there is a small part of me that believes I needed this to become who I always wanted to be. I might it get everything I dreamed of but I might just discover who I always wanted to be. Maybe that might be just as good. Maybe I need to learn that you can't give up on yourself. 

Nice boys are really not nice boys.

So even 6 hour long conversations, months of texting, hours of laughing, encouraging thoughts and words really does not mean the person is a nice guy. 

One date can make or break a friendship that was building. One date that was full of laughter and promise of more dates to come. 

I wasn't all that sure about the person either. In reality he wasn't my kind of pretty boy but he was the nice guy that I should be trying to get to know. I was willing to finally give someone a chance. I've been told that affection grows. I felt like this person was a positive influence. I felt like it was someone I could possibly trust. It was a person who believed I was strong. It was nice to feel like someone thought I was worth something. 

And then weird strange behaviour and followed by total silence. I get not being interested. That part is fine. Maybe there is another girl, maybe he just one look at me and did not like what he saw. 

He said he never wanted to hurt me. I had been hurt way too much in the last year. I said, no one can hurt ever again. But that is a lie. My heart opened up a fraction to possibly let someone in. And now I am afraid it is closed up again. 

Nice boys are really not nice boys. 

Really are you just a vag???

Its reallly funny how you make mistakes who never call but then they do. What do they really think? You would drop everything caused they texted. Never ever gonna happen. It was a mistake. I tried really hard to forget about it. 

You go on a date. He tells you he has three fuck friends. You say not gonna be a forth and the date ends early. Lovely 

Your male besty just kinda tells you there is sexual tension between you guys he should come over. It's not what you want. You need the friend more. 

You actually have a friend with benefits but he's not answering. Cause he is such a complicated one. He would be the only one you would ever consider. Just because you are past all this shit and really are more than a vag!!

I want to play.

I've prayed to God for many things over the years. I have a coworker that believes that you should always leave your faith enirely in his power. He will see you through into the right path. 

I perhaps am someone in the middle and then some what sqewed in my views on that subject manner. 

I know that I have prayed, demanded gods help in this last year. Some things have been answered. Like Pepe being found.  Many things have not been answered. I am left questioning and sceptical.  

I guess I am asking the universe right now, God to just give me a bit of luck right now. A bit of pleasure. I know exactly what I want and who I want to explore alittle bit of fun with. I need it. I desire it.  I want to just stop for a bit and explore life. I can not always just push forward. I want to simply exist. I know who I want to exist with. Even if it is for just a moment in time. 

I want to play. 

To cuddle or not to cuddle

Hmmmm the most bizarrely, delicious weekend just happened. I'm left wondering if we, I should have cuddled. I'm not gonna lie, it was nice to lie down in someone's arms and feel the warmth of their body. To listen to their heart beat. To just just melt into the moment. 

But should we really be cuddling?

Pay tribute

People came before her.  Pay tribute to the hard work and love they poured into you.  They nurtured and defined you. But you so forget.  You think you made you. I made you. Being with me will define every relationship you are ever in. I set the bar. And I set it high. 

Your comments are so callous. Do you just pretend to feel when you write a person a letter or is it all bullshit. 

I do not begrudge you love in your next life time. It just would be nice to payed tribute to a person. I am dead to you. Treat me a such. 

Treat me like I really mattered at some point. Like I was in a relationship that possibly had a point. Instead for me right now I wasted my time all those years. I have so much to give and you took it all and spit it back out. 

Time is limited my friend. Pay tribute to the ones who actually cared. The ones who possibly deserve to feel like they meant something.  

Mistakes and other things.

I feel like I have made so many mistakes over the last year. It's time for me to grow up and stop acting like a child. I know that every mistakes means that I learned something along the way. The problem is that I need to stop making the same mistakes over and over again. I don't feel bad about any decisions I have made or any choices I have made but I need to stop making mistakes.

There only so long you can call things mistakes until you become an idiot. I wavering over that line and I'm ready to start making the right healthy choices. 

I'm ready for the mistake portion of my life to be over. 

Set me free

The minute you walked on that plane you set me free. You gave me the ultimate slap in the face. I never wanted you at that point. You disregarded our whole life together. You cheapened our love. You cheapened the friendship we built, the life I though we were headed too. You could have been a man and not let me die inside. Once I realized you were such a coward. Someone I could never be with. Someone I could never trust. My whole view on you changed. I'm not sure who you became. I'm not sure who I was with. But the person I grew up with did not turn out to be a nice person. He became ugly. 

You wonder why? You caused it. You had the most perfect oulit. You just choose to not use her. You are still blaming me. Making excuses. I could not provide. Did you ever think the minute you kissed a other girl you ruined everything between us. I am so tired of being put down by you. My capabilities as a friend As a confident, as a person wanting to help have always been one if my best qualities. When you hurt I also hurt too. 

I saw your dimise Robert. I felt every heart break that you felt. I was helpless. All you ever did was push me away. Always. 

You judged me so harshly our whole relationship. You should have always looked at yourself. You were an ugly person. But despite that I found and saught the good of you. 

I feel sorry for you. You will never really know what it really means to love another person with your whole entire heart. With your whole entire body. That you would die if you are not with them. I loved you with with everything I had. You can never ever say you did. And that is sad. 

I would have never did the things you did. I respected us too much and you. I already knew. I figured it all out way back. You should have come clean when you had the chance. 

The reason I reach out to you now is not because I would ever in my lifetime want you back but because I thought I built something special in my life. It has to mean something. It had to mean I had a friend. 

You unloaded for yourself Robert. I did not need know right now. It was my choice when I needed that information. Your confession will not ever obsolve you. It will not push me away. I am already gone. You will spend your whole life looking for a fraction of what we had. A night in a park, a date or two or three, does not make a lifetime. It is your best personal amplified. These girls or girl will never know you until you stop being scared. You are looking for something that does not exist. I knew you and loved you despite of all the bull. Most will never stay around to know the real Robert. 

My advice. Grow up. Life is passing you by. There is so much more to be discovered. A whole world that is beautiful. That you are missing by being scared. 

Message received. Loud and clear!

Last night, I went on a first date with a guy that I have known for months. We walked the cemetery in middle of a snow storm. It was wirlwind of a night. The conversation flowed. We kissed for awhile under the shelter of some random souls mosaleum. 

We left and then everything in my life has come to a sudden hault. I lost control of my car and hit a parked car. I was probably driving too fast for such a snowy night. It is my fault. 

Everything worked out in the end. Meaning that the person's car that I hit actually came outside. We were able to exchange information. No one was hurt. My car is badly damaged. Hers was not that bad. 

I have never been responsible for an accident. Accidents always happened to me. It is an uneasy feeling when you know you are at fault. I know it is an accident. You could have taken 15 other streets to get home. Fate was watching you last night and sending you a message. Fate also intervined and made sure that everything happened in the most positive way. 

I just realized. That I am moving too fast. I am not standing still long enough to live my own life. I am always moving forward or looking back and am never in the moment. I need to just stand still for a moment and breath. 

Things are changing in my life. External things. But I really need to start changing myself from the inside out. I need to stop all negative thoughts and behaviours. 

Message received. Loud and crystal clear. 

I will prevail. Prove you wrong

Do you know what it feels like like to spend  17 years with a stranger. You have all the memories flooding your brain from all different periods of your life. 

You remember a time when you broke up but were confident that your love would prevail. It was strong enough to endure every single desire. You were willing to fight. You were still around until the love if your life took a breath and exhaled in your direction. 

It happened more than once where he freaked. You were the constant. The voice of reason. 

You look back and you see a person who never accepted you for you. He wanted you to be someone else. Always. There was an unease that always existed cause his judgment cushed your spirit. He never carried you. He destroyed you little by little. 

Until there is no other choice but to rebuild the person he and you slowly crushed.  

I will prevail. Prove you wrong 

A mask revealed.

I wonder if 2014 has been a mask I have been wearing for the last 23 days. I said goodbye to a crappy year and opened my mind to the possibility of a new life, a new me. 

The mask is starting to melt and the momentum is starting slow down. I feel the weight of my mind pressing down upon me. 

I want so much for this year. I want a new job.  Actually a career. Something I can emmerce myself in. I want to get out and live life and not spend it in front of a TV. I want to meet someone that I connect with and that I can have hours of fun with. I just want to laugh this year and not think. I want to enjoy being me and my life and everything I have. There is so much that is wrong but so much is right. I have become someone different even if I do not realize it yet. 

I have gone on so many dates. Made so many mistakes. Made so many connections. Had do much stupid fun with strangers. I got out of my box. I become someone I do not recognise but am proud of all the same. 

I learned to not care. To not take thing so personally. Everyone has issues. Does not mean it is me. I learn to take the upper hand. I learned that I can want someone. I learned that I can actually connected with men on different levels. I learnt what I do not want. I learnt that what I want matters. What I want is key. 

I learnt that my mask night be melting but what is revealed will be magnificent.