Amy and Tara take Miami!

Last minute trip. An adventure!

I finally feel like I did something for myself. I took the opportunity to do something spontaneous. I feel wild, I feel like myself, I feel calm. 

I took an Ativan an hour before we arrived at the airport and I was perfectly fine. It felt refreshing to know that I did not need Robert to travel. I can rely upon myself. I am stronger and I did not even realize it until I walked onto the plane and all the decisions were my own. Past memories flooded my brain. Past panic attacks on planes, on trips, all seem like a thing of the past. I feel strong! I feel empowered, I feel like I have a purpose. 

I am here in Miami and I am ready to take it on. 

I just sat outside, breathed in the salty air and realized that i'm going to be okay. All I need is me. I'm happy that I am reconnecting with myself. I feel like I can finally breath. 

I will say goodbye on my own terms.

I move tomorrow. It is so bittersweet. It is exactly what I need yet I am not there yet. I am not ready to say goodbye. 

I have to be so strong tomorrow. I have to hide my emotions. I have to be a rock. I have to be okay for everyone around me. 

I will say goodbye on my own terms. Just  me, my house and all my memories. We will have our time together. We will say goodbye to each other and then we will move on. My house will find a new person to love it and I will find a way to love myself. 

And then you know.

You send the love of your life a letter. A letter where you bear your heart, your soul, your thoughts. You ask him finally let you free. You expect a reaction. An email a something. 

And you wait. You read his next post and it is all about creepy crawlers. He really could not give a shit about  you and it hurts. It really hurts. Realizing you mean so little to someone who meant the world to you. That losing a precious part of your soul is not even worth a mention. 

Live that grand adventure. I bet it will fulfill you to your dying day. And hold your hand while you die. 

Small boxes, big boxes

That is my life right now. Packing away everything that meant anything to me into boxes. My life is a bit in shambles. I am a tad bit fucked up right now. I am trying to do the best that I can with what I have. I am broken in so many way but stronger in so many other ways. I am trying to process it all and really survive and thrive. I want to overcome. I want to be me again. The real me. She has been gone for years. The one I was with did nothing to ever to encourage her to come out and play. 

My life is in small and big boxes. I will find myself in one of those boxes. That I am sure of.  

On me and Pretty Boys:)

My friends say I have a problem. I am into pretty boys. I can't help it. Physical attractiveness is very important to me. I'm not looking right now for a new boyfriend but rather someone pretty to look at and spend time with. I mean the person must be interesting, intelligent, funny and kind.