A planned life

“You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.” – Joseph Campbell

No words are more true than these at this exact moment. 

Just go to bed. Santa clause forgot you this year.

U need something. 

I have this innate desire to be wanted. To be be need. To be love. To feel like I matter in someone life. I get why people commit suicide on this day or the next. Their is a desire as humans to be wanted and when you do not the whole world turns upside down. 

I'm not there. Trust me. But I get it. Watching. Feeling. Seeing. The love around you hurts. You wonder why you deserve to be alone. What did you ever deserve for this life lesson. It is a life lesson. You know it is. One you never deserved but one you needed to become the person you never thought you could be. 

Hurt will make you stronger. It will make you a better you. One that is confident. One that can survive Christmas and relax and realize  that this year Santa forgot all your presents. It is okay. Go to bed. 

Next year your stocking will be full. 

Merry Xmas y'all!

Well life is random. You change one appointment for another. You procrastinate making cookies till another day. Just so that the payoff is what?

A random encounter? An ex boyfriend rendezvous vous. For what? Was the reminder not enough that we are not together that I need fate to stick it to me one last time that I am alone. 

We met at a 4 dollar eyebrow Pallor. It was so random that I was me. No times for nerves. Only one decision and that was to be strong. 

Chatty, Carefree and evasive. He was awkward and stand offish. I had my dignity to maintain. 

All I want right now is something I should only ask 5 others. But I will not ask anyone. I will be alone. Cause alone is where I need to be. 

Merry fucking Christmas ya'll. let the new year roll hopefully some good times will come along.  I know I need to see it. I know I am not the only one. 

If God is in me he is a Tumor!

I'm watching an old series called OZ right now. The line struck me as very profound. It can either be one feeling very sorry for oneself or it can be the truth that God is looking down on all of us laughing. 

I'm not sure what my truth is. I know that this year I have been thrown one too many curve balls. I know I get up every morning and try. But it always seems like their is another obstacle in my way. 

Money- or lack there of, boys who don't call, friends who disappear, a longing for a best friend who probably doesn't care, a boss who is on a mission to make my life miserable. 

I feel run down, defeated. 

But I try so hard. I'm not even sure why. I'm not even sure why I find the will to wake up each day. 

Maybe that is what they all see. My pain is so transparent. I give myself away. 

Maybe it is all one big joke and someday maybe I'll laugh too. 

Thanks Tommy, it was nice to see you.

I need to write this down before it fads. 

My childhood love, who died years ago visited me last night in a dream. Since his passing years ago, he has not visited me in quite some time in my dreams. 

All I have left are impressions of him starring at me, wanting to talk to me, thinking I was special. 

There is a scene that I just woke up too where we were competing in some leg movement. Seeing who could finish all the reps faster, where we both ended up hoping up and down like mad men. Then we burst into uncontrollable laughter for how stupid we were. 

Skip back we were in French class and I sat in front of him. We were spelling out English words? The teacher was asking me about Panama and that she just needed to go after hearing about my trip. I could feel his eyes burning into my back. I could feel that someone wanted me. Someone loved me. It was nice to feel that even if it was only in my dreams. 

Thanks Tommy, it was nice to see you.