The love of your life.

What a question to ask? Did I already meet him. Did I already spend17 years with him. Will someone else be the love of my life for the next 50 or will the love of 

my life burried in my memory. 

Maybe this is just the beginning of my life becoming

A miracle has happened. My cat who has been on a grand adventure for the last month and a half has been returned to me. I am happy to report that he is fat, healthy and glued to me at all times. Since he walked in the door he has not stopped purring or sleeping. I guess being on your own for that long was very stressful and he needs to recuperate. 

I got a call around 2:30 yesterday and the women on the phone described him to a tee. I can not explain the relief that I felt when I saw his little face and I realized that it in fact him. I could not catch him. He seem to recognise me but was freaked out. He ran from yard to yard in his paranoid state. I did what I thought was necessary and called my ex to come help. (I have not seen Robert in over 6 months). 

The meeting was awkward and emotional. He finally caught the cat. I know it was a good decision to have called him. 

We parted ways. I simply walked to my car with my cat in hand and said good bye while he stood on the sidewalk and watched me drive away. There was nothing to say and everything to say. I just was not ready to say any of it. I'm not sure what he expected of me. 

He had a thumb ring on. It got to me. It was a symbol of something that I think he is not. Some person trying to be someone else. I could not stop starring at it. It was like all changes were represented in that stupid ring. 

His chick, after he posted on FB that Pepe was found need to mark her territory, like a feline in heat. Doesn't she get it. Our cat is our cat, it has nothing to do with her. This has nothing to do with you. But I guess she is an immature bitch  with zero confidence. 

I never needed to post my boyfriends picture on everything. I wonder when all of it will be taken down, when she will realize that distance for my ex will lead him straight into the arms of some other chick. What she probably doesn't realize is that if he has not done so already, he probably will start trying to hang out with old connections. She is simply a good time he had for 6 months. A catalyst that enabled him to leave me. She was the ultimate excuse. 

She scared of me. She shouldn't be she should be scared of his desire always look around in case it is greener somewhere else. He will always look cause his soul can never rest. 

My cat is back. Finally a good thing has happened. Maybe this is just the beginning of my life becoming. 

Flip the switch

So I'm wondering when I am going to be able to flip the switch on my own life. When I finally choose to realize that everything is in my control and it is up to me to look at everything with a clear, positive perspective. 

It has been over two weeks that I have an intense relationship with my couch and my Apple TV. I watch mind numbing TV for hours on end. My mood is completely negative and dark. I am fed up and I wonder what I ever did to deserve this life. 

Boys come and go. Even a delicious kiss cannot assure you that he will stick around. My ego and my confidence are taking a beating. 

I feel surrounded by my ex. He is envading my personal space. His presence is engulfing. I feel like I need to hide away in case I run into him. 

Will I see the light today, tomorrow or the next? It is really up to me to flip the switch. 

I just want another life.

Why me? Why can not anything be simple and just beautiful in my life. Why can't I just have fun for a moment and think that everything will be okay. Why don't I deserve to be happy? Not fake happy but just genuinely happy. What did I ever do to deserve all this shit. 

What did he ever do to deserve any happiness and why did he experience it for the last 6 months. Will there be justice. Will he suffer now that he is back? Will he realize everything that is gone? Will he finally morn me?

I am finished being me and any variation of me. I am so fed up. I just want another life. Why is this mine?

On Oct 8, 2013

A smile at the end of the rainbow

I went to my old place for the last time tonight. I walked around and it did not feel like my home anymore. I feel no love for the old place. I feel no pride in the old place. I feel like it looked dirty and dingy. I basically felt nothing. It is no longer my home it is just a house. 

As I drove away with tears in my eyes, I looked behind me and the most beautiful rainbow appeared. I smiled to myself and realized like in every good book, symbolism can mean so much. You just have to open your eyes to the beauty that is front of you and not look back at the past. That rainbow represented a brighter future for me. I just have to be willing to see all the rainbows and smile. 

Time traveller wife?

Last night I had the most bizzare dream. Robert time travelled to me. I was on my parents couch and he suddenly appeared. It was parents old couch. We just looked at each other and everything was weird but fine between us. He was underneath a blanket and he was holding on to something. It was a strange animal that was half monkey and half penguin. He insist that he needed to show me this. It was important that I look and hold it and figure out what combination of animal it is. He wanted to kiss me in my dream. I wanted him too and did not want him too. We didn't. Then Robert was sitting on the stairs and David came down and gave him a kiss.  

Not sure what that bizzare dream means. I know he is back this Thursday and I know that Pepe is still missing. Maybe it is just my brains way of assimilating a new reality: A reality that starts in 5 days. 

Nothing will change in my life once he is back. We will not see each other, nor talk. I guess the only way I will allow him into my life is in dreams where I have no control. I was the time travellers wife in my dream last night. 

But really I am not Claire and our love story is not one that will continue in the future, past and present. 

Simply a delicious kiss

So after a month or so of texting and speaking on the phone, I finally met my chill, younger boy. He is cute, funny and really quiet. 

We shared the most delicious kiss at the end of the night. It was on of those kisses that you wish you could just last all night and it did. Well sort of.