Love, life and happiness.

Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me.

Today I received a letter from him apologizing for everything he has put me through. He does regret anything except hurting me.

He thinks we were at the end of our ropes. I know one of us was and the other was pushed there.

Anyways, it is my birthday today. He is not here. And that is okay. I have plenty if people who value and cherish me.

34 will be the year that I find love, life and happiness. I will become me. I will become independent and healthy. This is a promise to myself. I see myself changing already.

I wonder if he blew out a candle for me?

Tomorrow is my birthday. I have this unsettling feeling that something is missing.

My day is jammed packed with hair cuts, pedicures, late lunch, late dinners and obviously drinking. I wanted it that way. I needed it to be that way so that I do not have a moment to think.

It's the day before my birthday I will definitely cry if I want too. At midnight I will be 34 years old. I have never spent a birthday without him. This day is making me depressed.

I doubt that he will even think about me for a second. It's already my birthday in India. I wonder if he blew out a candle for me? And made a wish.

Maybe, this is the new way of being.

I wonder what happened. I'm cool with what went down but I wonder what happened. The mystery kills me. I have no expectations, no desire other than curiosity. I wonder.

Maybe this is the new way of being.

Slap yourself in the face.

Ever re-read your past posts and wonder who that person was? Do you ever want to slap yourself in the face?

Thank god I am no longer that person anymore. Maybe I needed to be her in order to be me now. Maybe.

But I would really like to slap her.

Good old fashion fun

So when a guy asks you out on a date what do you do? Say yes or run for cover?

This guy has held my interest for a few weeks now. That is a very rare thing. We have never met but have shared so many intimate details.

He doesn't want anything from me and I do want anything from him. It is nice. I have no expectations, no commitment, no drama. It is just good old fashion fun.

But yet, I am scared to meet him. I have not been on a date for over 10 years. I know I am charming and fun over the phone and am a riot over text but in person I feel shy. I feel like I am not date ready. Call me insecure. Maybe a date just exactly what I need to become confident. Maybe good old fashion fun is exactly what I need.

Get Gone

Fiona Apple says it best. The words of the song Get Gone. reflect my sentiments exactly.

We could never, ever be together again. Too much has been said and done to me to be able to ever forgive him. He is off in never-never land and he does not even give a shit about me. We spent 18 years on and off together and I feel cast aside. I feel like I never meant anything to him. I feel like I am a distant memory.

I understand the feeling of having a new interesting person looking at you with a clear perspective. I understand the allure of someone new to explore.

What I can't understand is who this person is. He is a cold bastard. His heart has closed up for me. You can say we are best friends but you do not treat your best friend this way.

It still hurts. It hurts in another way but it hurts all the same. My heart doesn't want to think about him anymore. I want him to Get Gone.

Dreaming

I told you, when you miss me, to close your eyes, and I would visit you in your dreams.

Every night, in random ways, you are in my dreams. I wonder, if you are visiting me or my brain desperately wants to see you so it invents scenarios where we get to meet.

Whatever the reason, it is nice to finally see your face and talk to you.

I miss my best friend.

Plain and simple at the core of it, I miss my best friend very much so. I miss talking to him, telling him things, asking for his opinion. I just miss him. Sometimes everything else just doesn't matter, I just miss him so much in my life. I know he is so much more than that. But deep down he was the best of best friends that I will ever, ever hope to have.

I miss my best friend.

All you need.

'All you need to survive is only one person who truly loves you'

A giddy feeling.

Some days a giddy feeling creeps up into your soul. You feel happy, you feel euphoric, you feeling feel like yourself. You feel like you are taking control of your life. You can finally see the sunshine behind all the clouds. You see the light at the end if the tunnel and you realize that you deserve to be happy and maybe just maybe you can actually be happy.

You still miss, you still long but you finally accepted that you are not a match made in heaven or else none of this would have happened.

Maybe a boy texting you all day long with the promise to talk makes you smile. Maybe just knowing that you are in control makes life a little more interesting.

All I know is that I have a giddy feeling deep in my soul and I want to continue to feel like this forever. I've had enough pain in the last couple of months that I finally want to be part of my own life instead of watching it pass me by.

Love this giddy feeling!!

A welcomed distraction.

Sometime people enter into your life at the exact moment you need alittle distraction. A time when everything seems overwhelming. Sometimes an all night text-a-thon can be exactly what you need to reminded that you are an interesting, fun, sexy girl with alot to say. Maybe he just wants to get into your pants or maybe he want to see your mind. Whatever the reason, it is welcomed break from reality. It is nice to think about someone else for alittle while and not be so focused on me. He is a welcomed distraction that I plan on keeping around until I don't.

You do not see me

And I do not see you.

We have and always will be strangers.

And when you have shed your last tear

Some things happen for a reason. Sometimes you can accept information presented you with a cool and calculating mind. One that is not swayed by love, hurt and missing.

Sometimes you realize you just shed your last tear and you can move on. You see the situation as clear as can be. You realize that he would never have been happy with you and in turn you would have been miserable.

He is not worth any more tears. You have shed your last tear for a boy who is long gone and has probably been gone for quite some time now. Maybe we were both in make believe land.

It is really too bad that he always thought the grass was greener somewhere else. I think if he would have just given into our love and not searched we could of had a blazing love story. But I guess that is neither here nor there. That is not what life handed down to us.

This is my time. He no longer deserves any of it. I have spent too many hours blaming, thinking, evaluating, second guessing, cry and screaming. I have shed my last tear for you my dear sweet Kamikaze Baby.

The sun is finally shinning in my eyes.

The book of Robert

And I suddenly realized almost 2 weeks into your adventure that you do not give a shit about me. You are not even thinking of me. You do not miss me. You have found a way to escape reality and you are happy now. Your responsibilities, me, your life back here are all a distant memory. You are running and playing. You are rolling around in that grass watching the world get greener. I am not part of that world. I do not fit in. I was not invited nor am I welcomed. I think you are so relieved to finally be away from me and our life that you do not give a shit about me.

I really need to take advice from the book of Robert.

I have a couple of questions

Weird to dream of someone you do not know.

I found her number. I called her. We chatted about this and that and I could see why he liked her. She could have been one of my friends. I said okay I guess there is nothing left to say. I just wanted to end the conversation with please take care of him. She interrupted my train of thought and said I just have a couple of questions for you. Music from my radio blared, the tv was on and dad was talking to me about the pool temperature. I could not hear if she even asked any questions. I tried to turn everything off. I awoke and wondered what she wanted to ask me.

The ocean

You posted a picture of the Bombay ocean. You know the ocean is my most favourite place on the face off the earth. There is something so magical, so calming and so beautiful about the waves lapping across the sand. You know that i know she showed it to you. Why do you not care about me? You said not to look. Everyone says I am punishing myself. Why do you not care when you know I might look. I want to look at the ocean with you. I miss you so. The ocean is our place. You know it.

Just to say your name.

I miss you so much. I am keeping everyone around. Talking to everyone and anyone who will listen. Maybe if I say your name out loud, I will not miss you as much. I think about you all the time. I have so much to tell you. So much I want to run by you.

I spoke to your father today. It was nice to say goodbye and thank you. I also know he loves me and loved me being part of your family.

I spent time with your brother during the week. I feel like if I keep everyone around. You are still here. It has been nice to know how much everyone cares about me.

I bought a condo. I am figuring out my finances. I am making my own decisions. Seeking advice from all the right places. I am moving forward physically and mentally.

My heart is just not there yet. I want to speak about you all the time. Because for that moment you are real to me and not part of my imagination.