I wonder....

I wonder if I misread the signs. I wonder if I misread the person. I wonder if I said way too much. I wonder if I messed up my chances. I wonder if I even had a chance. 

I went on the most boring date last night. Not only did he misrepresent himself but I felt like I was on a date with a 50 year old man. There was no fun, no flirting, no laughter. Honestly from the minute I sat down I was ready to leave. An early flight was a perfect excuse to leave. Please no need to walk me to my door. I think he knew I was no interested. 

Then it dawned on me. There has been one person in the last year that I look forward to his texts. I look forward to seeing him. I think I make up excuses or try to be just about hooking up with him just so I can hang with him. When I don't see him for awhile I want to see him. Everyone I meet is never as fun as him. I think I think I had to be someone that he wanted to hook up with. That fun carefree girl who did not want anything from him. 

I think I might ask him on a date. A real date. One with dinner and anticipation of kissing afterwards. It might be backwards. It is backwards. 

I wonder if I should. I wonder if he was the guy jean spoke about during my reading???

Anxiety is scary

Anxiety is scary. Anxiety digs it's heels in and won't let go. Anxiety feels like you are slowly going crazy. Anxiety is my enemy. Anxiety actually has no control over me anymore. Anxiety used to control me but now I don't pay it any attention. Anxiety every once in awhile becomes a scary place for me. 

I just need to enjoy the ride and realize that I just need to relax and realize that anxiety is just not that scary. 

You don't need an invitation to your own life!

That simple statment is so profound to me right now. There are certain statements that make an impact on your heart and mind. Another one is that the universe gives you what you need not what you want. I need these words. They help motivate me. They help heal my heart. Words have never been so important to me as they are right now. I'm in a period of transition and I feel like I am finally going down the right path. 

You can't give up on yourself!

Im not sure exactly what that means for me. I know I am waiting on a life changing experience right now that would be perfect for me and would challenge me in every way. I try not to get too excited in fear that I will be disappointed. My little heart is so fragile right now. It has a tough exterior that allows little bits of hope to seep in. I'm not entirely sure why my journey is so tough. I do not know but there is a small part of me that believes I needed this to become who I always wanted to be. I might it get everything I dreamed of but I might just discover who I always wanted to be. Maybe that might be just as good. Maybe I need to learn that you can't give up on yourself. 

Nice boys are really not nice boys.

So even 6 hour long conversations, months of texting, hours of laughing, encouraging thoughts and words really does not mean the person is a nice guy. 

One date can make or break a friendship that was building. One date that was full of laughter and promise of more dates to come. 

I wasn't all that sure about the person either. In reality he wasn't my kind of pretty boy but he was the nice guy that I should be trying to get to know. I was willing to finally give someone a chance. I've been told that affection grows. I felt like this person was a positive influence. I felt like it was someone I could possibly trust. It was a person who believed I was strong. It was nice to feel like someone thought I was worth something. 

And then weird strange behaviour and followed by total silence. I get not being interested. That part is fine. Maybe there is another girl, maybe he just one look at me and did not like what he saw. 

He said he never wanted to hurt me. I had been hurt way too much in the last year. I said, no one can hurt ever again. But that is a lie. My heart opened up a fraction to possibly let someone in. And now I am afraid it is closed up again. 

Nice boys are really not nice boys.