The Blame Game....

I think I have spent the last two year blaming everyone and feeling sorry for myself. I'm sure that any one of you who have read a couple of my blogs would agree. I know that I am accountable for my actions but I think its time for once in my life that I accept the choices that I made. 

All the choices I have made up to this point have created the person I am good or bad. When I choose to have McDonald's, a bottle of wine, when I choose to be lazy and not exercise, when I choose to stay home and feel sorry for myself, when I did not change my career path when I should have, when I did not continue to pursue hairdressing, when I CHOSE to stay with a guy whose values did not match mine. I wanted kids, to be married, to grow up and he was ambivalent. I chose to think he would change cause he loved me. I chose to stay in that toxic and unhealthy environment and its time perhaps that I realize that he saw it way before I ever did. I'm not about to pat his back and congratulate him but I admit that I am way better off without him in my life.

The trick is that I need to start making better choices in my life. Choices that will lead me to my goals. I know what I want in life but I think I am going about getting it all wrong. 

My friend  told me that I should stop dating and truly focus on myself. To be honest the idea sounds attractive. I think I have been hiding behind men- via text, dates, sex to avoid having to face myself and my life. I wanted to be distracted so I did not have to hear myself anymore and maybe perhaps not have to deal with making the right choices. It was easier not to think. If I am busy I do not have to deal with how unhappy I am.

Clearly I am not confident enough in myself to deal with rejection. My insecurities might be so evident, my lack of confidence might be shinning through. I am not showcasing myself to the best of my abilities.

I'm tired of the Blame Game cause the only person that I have to blame for my life is me. I made every single one of those choices. Now is the time to accept that and move on and make all the right choices that are just for me.

Me focussed. Is that so bad??

Ever been so fed up? I made a promise to myself that this year would be about me in whatever shape that took. 

I just had a friend ask me why it seems that I avoid her invites. Funny thing is.. I texted her back and she never answered? Why cause she is busy with her life. Why is that okay?  Cause she has a family and kids?

I have always been the person that gives up everything for a person I love. Now I realize that I can no longer be that person. My life is all about me. That includes my friends. They had kids. I accommodate them. Fit their lives into mine. Everything changed for them and cause I loved them and wanted them in my life I chose to mold around them. 

I can not be that person anymore. I love them. Adore their kids. But I have me to think about me. So I can become me. They already found themselves. They should allow me to discover myself. 

Here is my text:

You lay something on me. Have me have to deal with all the thoughts. Rather than talk to me. 

Then you do not answer my text. Why cause your busy with your life? Why is that okay but when I'm busy or lazy cause I want to be I get asked why I'm not around. I've always understood you have a family. You have commitments. You cancel or are busy, kids are sick or, you want to be with your family. I never say a thing. I just understand and now when I'm trying to focus on me I get questioned. Honestly as a friend I think that is not fair.  I have always made time for you. I have always made knowing your kids important to me. 

I honestly just want to be me focussed.is that so bad?

Kisses on the cheeks??

So I went on a date last night with hot hockey guy.  It was out first date. I was extremely nervous but the date turned out to be fabulous. He talked so much, made me feel so comfortable and joked around the whole time. By date standards it was a great date!

But when the date ended he hailed me a cab, open the door for me and proceeded to give me a kiss on each cheek. Hmmmm not really sure what that means. 

When I'm on dates I can usually tell if a guy is into me or not. With this guy I could not get a good read on him. It's confusing the hell out of me. 

I would like another date with him to see if there is anything there. He peaked my interest big time. 

I'm just not that sure about the two kisses on the cheek thing??

Inner guilt...a catalyst to finding yourself

I wonder sometimes why guilt consumes me. I feel guilty about things that I should not even feel bad about. 

Guilt takes a hold of me and does not seem to let go. I know it will pass. In a day or two I will forget it but until then I feel like shit. 

I know I am on the right path. The gym 4/5 times a week but I need to cut out all my other bad habits. I need to become the healthiest person I can be. 

I know I'm making it seem like I did something bad. I actually did not. I just need to make better choices so that my life becomes the life I always wanted. 

Ahh inner guilt. A catalyst to finding yourself. 

I wrote this once...and meant it!

You once wrote an amazing blog about me for my Birthday. I have re-read it so many times in the past few days. This is my Blog to you on your birthday. 

You are the love of my life, my biggest inspiration, my most annoying cheerleader; you still make my heart pitter-patter when you look at me. I have watched you grow into a man, I have held your hand while you achieved and I have wiped away your tears when you were broken. I have shared my life with you, I have shared my heart and my pain with you. I have walked so many miles with you all over the world, I have laughed so hard with you over stupid things, and I have raised two cats and one ghost with you. You have been my best friend, my therapist, my lover for half my life. You will always be a part of me because you helped create me. You are a dreamer, an artist, a free spirit. You are a beautiful person and I will always love you.

Tonight my dear, sweet pussycat, I would like to kiss you once last time on your birthday.

Time passes. I do not want to kiss him on his birthday. I know it is his birthday. That is all!!

My heart for this boy is dried up. I lost a best friend along the way. I hope he had a good birthday. Whatever. I actually really do not care if he did. Sad I know!

And then god laughs...

I often wonder why There is such humour in pain. I'm not today in the mood to be overly enthusiastic about life or my direction in life. I try so hard. I feel like I take all the right steps. I know it is all about your mind frame. I just need life to stop and look at me and give me a sign that all my dreams will come true. I need this year to be about me. I need this year to transform me. I'm so lonely. I'm so tired of looking at all my friends achieving in so many ways. Jobs. Family. Love. Husbands. What did I ever do to deserve this. Why does he get love. It is a distraction that he does not deserve. Yes people have things that go wrong. My friend on mat leave just lost her job. Things happen. But she has everything else. 

I just want so much for myself. I realize it more and more what I want and what I deserve. I just want to share that with someone. Someone who entices me. Complete me. Challenges me. Loves me for me. 

Love. Children. A family. It is me. It has been my dream for my whole life. 

Why is god laughing at me???