Ache in my belly

The count down is on. I know I pretend to play a good game but the reality is that not speaking to him for 6 months freaks me out. My belly is all twisted up. I feel like I can't breath. I feel like I will not be able to breath for 6 months.

The reality is, only a hand full of people will intimately feel his the depth if his departure. Most will think about him from time to time. Most will move on with their lives. After all it is only 6 months in the grand scheme of life.

And then there are people like me who feel like a piece if them will die when he gets on that plane. People like me who will think about him everyday and wish they could only have one more day with him. If only to look at him.

My belly is all twisted up and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I am good at pretending but this is one reality that I can not seem to run away from.

The count down is on. How many days until I stop breathing?

Why am I me?

Why is this hard? Why am I not strong enough? Why can't I get myself off the couch? Why do I miss you so much? Why is it that all I want to do is call you? Why can't I just tell you to fuck off? Why am I so agitated? Why did I just call you? Why is this happening to me? What did I ever do to deserve this? Why do I still love you? Why was I not good enough for you? Why am I destroying myself? Why do I miss you so much? Why is the idea of not talking to you for 6 months killing me? why am I me?

What hold us together,when everything falls apart.

I really do not know.

You just have to believe. Believe in yourself. Believe that everything will work out the way everything should. Even if you do not understand it.

You just have to believe. Even if you are not strong enough to believe anymore.

Maybe if I say it three times.

I miss you so much. You are still here but this house feels so empty without you. I wish you were here. I wish you were here. I wish you were here. Maybe if I say it three times it will come true.

My heart is so happy when you are around. I miss you. Pure and simple. I miss you body in the house. I miss your face. I miss your "everything". I miss you so much all the time.

Being strong sucks.

I do not want want all this other stuff. I want you. I miss you so much.

Putting it out there.

I hope that if I write it, the universe will listen. I hope that if I say it out loud then the universe will comply.

Figure out your shit and then come back to me. Have your adventure and realize that I am the one for you. Realize that you made the biggest mistake of your life and your life would not be complete unless you share it with me. Realize that I am the most amazing, sexy, compassionate girl and be satisfied in spending the rest of your life with me.

I love you. I deserve to be swept off my feet by you. Don't stop until you get me back.

Please universe.

Chasing pavements

Should I give up or am I just chasing pavements?

I wish I knew.

The pearls of online dating

When your 33, single, bored and looking to see what is out there in the safety of your own living room. Enter online dating.

I'm yet to go on a date with any of these guys but I have progressed to actually talking on the phone. It is fun, awkward and makes me feel like I am in high school again.

Every day, there is a new guy sending you an email. It is kinda fun to feel in control of the whole situation. Not cute, bad profile....ignore. Adorable, funny...reply back. And the game begins.

Now to push myself into going on a date. Should be soon.

Our disentanglement is full steam ahead

So you blurted out during breakfast that you did not think it would be working out with her. I can't pretend that I wasn't in shock. I can't pretend that I had to hide my grin. I can't pretend that I am not happy about this and a part if me knew this would happen all along.

You will not tell me the reason. It is okay. I can imagine many scenarios. You know I never held her in high esteem.

But do I really believe it is over. Not really. For now it is but when you are in India. Who knows. I know you slept with me. I know you were moping around and I know that you would not have told me unless you were certain it was.

But nothing changes. I feel a slight bit of relief. But we are still over. Our disentanglement is still full steam ahead.

My only consolation is that if you are truly alone. Then you will really have time to think. There will be no distractions. It makes me think that you might actually grow.

Reality is not a dream

'A dream you dream alone is just a dream. A dream you dream together is a reality' John Lennon

My reality is that he is going off to India to be with another girl. My reality is that I am selling my share of the house. My reality is that he no longer loves me and only wants to be my friend. My reality sucks. I do not share a dream with anyone. He does.

I have to stop being so understanding. I have to stop being so accepting. I have to live in reality and not in some dream world that I created all on my own. My dreams no longer exist. I have to create new ones that do not include him.

When he is gone to India. We can no longer speak. Foster a dream that no longer exists. I need to do that for my sanity. If I talk to him, my sanity is at risk. I'll be in a dream world shared only by me.

Dreams are precious, I can not let him control mine.

Reality and truth

It's funny how the mind protects itself for so long. It only allows pieces of information to be sieved through. Because the shear volume of pain you would need to face would be too overwhelming. Every once in awhile, your brain lets our small truths that you need to face. My morning truth is that he does not love you anymore, he does not think you are the girl for him, he is going to India plain and simple. He has a girl there. You are no longer part of his future.

This is obviously a hard reality to wrap my brain around. But it is a reality that I need to face. A reality that is the truth. I can not hide behind hope, dreams and understanding. I need to face the truth and move on.

He does not love you anymore. He does not see you in his future. He thinks your relationship has run its course. No more chances. He does not think what you had was worth saving.

Clinging to false hope will only hurt me more in the long run. Why put off facing reality? Face it and move on.

Overwhelmed and broken

Overwhelming sadness,
Just four walls,
My heart hurts.

Overwhelming reality,
Planes taking off,
My heart is full of dread.

Overwhelming loss,
What life could have been,
My heart is broken.

Overwhelming feeling,
Why won't they just go away,
My heart has no hope.

Words to live by

I sometimes need to repeat things over and over to keep myself going, sane. I repeat out loud.

You have to let him go to keep him. If that what the future holds.

This is your life, you have control, you choose to be happy.

You will be fine.

You will take this opportunity to become who you always wanted to be.

You will experience life.

You are finally alive, through all this pain, you will find a way realize that and make you whole.

You are strong.

If you are uncomfortable, it means you are changing/ growing.

You know what will make you strong.

Believe in yourself, believe in yourself.

If you love someone set them free, if they come back to you it was meant to be.

He needs to do this.

Through this you are finally growing. Do not loose out on the opportunity to change. Focus on all the positives. You have an opportunity here. An opportunity to finally make you happy. An opportunity to experience life in a way that you never would of had.

Believe that there is a path that you are on. Just bumps in the road.

You need to cease the opportunity to grow.

Stop dwelling.

It is okay that you still love him. It is okay that you still have hope. Just do not let that define your actions, your growth and your future.

Acceptance. Accept that you cannot change the past, you can only control your future. Make it count.

There is no Place like Home

There is no place like home when you feel sick. There is no place like home when you are being taken care by the one who loves you. There is no place like the arms of a loved one when you feel weak and scared.

I took care of you. I spent the weekend with you. There is no place like home when you are in it.

Let me count the ways.

I hate you for so many reasons let me count the ways.

1- You cheated on me but can not lie to her. Yeah fucking great!
2- You had move into a place with your best bud- to make it more comfortable for you. So you could adapt. Yeah fucking great!!
3- you waited until I was 33 to break up with me. Yeah kids are happening right around the corner!! Thank you they might never happen
4- I will never trust anyone again including you. You broke my heart over and over again and wait make sure her heart was fine!!!
5-I can not afford to live on my own. The areas I want to live in. Outta site. Thank you for letting me support you and buy everything in our home. It will be great at my mother's house since I will have to live there. Excellent!!
6- thank you for making fun of my changes. Listening to music, lyrics, twitter. A text afterwards- the second time you mock me makes me feel real good.

We all get it. I am not her. Go find her. Love her fuck her. Get married and have kids. Just do not ever fuck with me again. I loved you too much to ever want to be hurt like that again.

I will always count the ways you screwed me.

Can't wait for April

Wow. She means that only for him right? No dig against me, right? So pure and soulful? Why can't you email that directly to him? Why do you need to make it public unless. Omg. You want me to know that you won. But no she is so pure. From a different world. Bullshit. She is a girl strutting her fucking victory.

I hate you right now so fucking much. I just spent the last hour crying my eyes out. But wait. Is she ok. Lets make sure. We would not want her to feel hurt or lied to. She is too precious. Lets not upset the future let only hurt the past. The past deserves all this pain right. Let's not tell her to cool it. We would not want her to feel any heartache. Only let kill the past the past deserves it, right.?

Whose the real Rob?

Push, push, push. Pull, pull, pull. That my dear is what you are doing to my heart. Tonight you were so cold and aloof. You are all about honesty. Good for you. Finally you are practicing what you preach. I really am having a hard time finding you Rob. This weekend, you were one person and now you are a different person. Whose the real Rob?

Closure

These last few weeks before he leaves are about closure to me. It about spending time together, enjoying each other's company and having fun. It also about slowly adjusting to life without him.

I need him to go. I want him to go. If he asked me back tomorrow I would say no. He has too much shit to figure out before he could ever be good for me. It would be a mistake.

He texted me that he longer wants to be physical. It fucks him up too much. I think he needs to figure out why that is. I'm fine with it. To me it is fun, amazing and a way to say good-bye. I never regret it and I never feel bad about it.

He also texted me that he has already said good-bye. That is the part that I have a problem with. He also told me that I should not make him, it is unfair. That is the other problem that I have.

We cannot have sex. That is fine by me. I have no idea how that is possible considering that for 17 years our relationship has always been intimate. The more you resist, the more appealing it will become. I will never beg for that. Also, I was just a bit mad that the decision was taken away from me. Like so many others.

I wonder why it fucks him up so much. I guess at the end if the day it does not really matter. All that matters is that I am ok.

Made your bed. Now lie in it.

You are right. You made a decision and there are consequences to those decisions. Even if you run 8.5 hours ahead, those consequences will still exist and still haunt you. You can not run from them. You might be able to play in make-believe land for awhile but not for long. You will have to face everything or else it will catch up to you.

Maybe the consequences is growth?

You are beautiful

I shared one if the most intimate moments with my love this morning. We were staring at each other in bed and he simply said you are beautiful. I replied you are not so bad looking yourself.

This all happened after my back gave out after weeks of sleeping on the couch and I started training for my 5k at the end of April. He came over to take care of me, like all the times I took care if him. He treated me like a princess and I was grateful. I needed to feel like I mattered to him.

For some odd reason since around Friday, I felt at peace with the whole situation. When I see him, I no longer feel hope rather I feel acceptance. I still love him and I think that he making one of the biggest mistakes of his life but I realize that he needs to make these mistakes to really know what I mean to him. If he ever will. And if he never ever does. Then I will have started moving forward.

I know that what we have been sharing is exactly what our relationship could be. I know every encounter has lingering loss behind it but the feelings and connection exists. I have never been so sure of it in my life.

I had a moment this morning when I thought about the last year. Did we do special things for each other anymore?The answer was no. Or sort of no. I realized that we both stopped. I am disappointed in us for doing that to our relationship. We both took each other for granted. We stopped showing our love. I'm not sure why. I think we got too comfortable.

My biggest lesson from this is to never take your partner for granted. I became selfish. Maybe as a means of self preservation but I became something I am not.

I would never do that again. He is too beautiful to me.

Everyday together

A random text, a phone call, and small weekend together. I have never spent more than a month not in communication with him. Even when we broke up last time, we broke all the rules, spoke, hung out and had sex. This time it feels different. I feel like I have to stay away for my own sanity. I won't speak to him while he is gone. I can't.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TR3Vdo5etCQ

I am miserable right now. I think of him constantly. I miss him so much and he is right here but he's not here. He has already left.

One is the loneliest number

I have never felt so alone in my life. I crave talking to people but I know that I am slowly becoming an annoyance. Everyone is tired of hearing about my feelings, my analysis, my self doubt, my pain. I have never felt so alone in my whole life and I never want to feel this way ever again.
I know that he is not feeling this way. He is distracted. He is not a one but a two. He never even had a period of one. He does not know how lonely it is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22QYriWAF-U&sns=em

The roles are so intertwined.

It's hard to break-up and not loose your best friend in the process. The roles of boyfriend and best- friend are so intertwined that you can't have one without the other. I miss talking to my best friend. I miss the warm of our conversations. I miss someone caring about me. The roles are so intertwined that I feel like I have lost the entire person.

My own personal torture chamber

I feel like you do not love me anymore. I feel like you are so enamoured by her that you do not care about me anymore. I do not feel like the most important person in your life anymore. I feel so alone without you around. I miss you so much. My heart hurts so much. I can't stop crying. I think about you all the time. My good-bye letter makes me feel like a fool to even be writing it. I feel like such a fool. I know you will go off to India and forget about me.

I used to be so confident in our love. I used to be so confident in you. I used to be so confident that we would spend the rest of our lives together. I have no more confidence and no more hope.

I am in my own personal torture chamber. I feel like a part of me died when you walked out the door. I am so scared that the rest of me will die when you are in her arms.

I love you so much. I am not strong enough to believe anymore.

So Tired.

I am so tired of being the one that believed in us. The last time we broke up, I was convinced you were the man for me. I believed it for the both of us.

I don't think I have the energy right now to do that again. I need you to believe in us. I am so tired of fighting for us. I am so tired of believing. It is your turn.

I need you to believe in us and Not the idea that someone else out there is better for You.

My dear you are so wrong. I just do not have the strength to connivence you anymore. I am just so tired.

I do not know.....

I have been asked this question so many times over the last several days; Will I ever take him back if he asked. Weeks ago, the answer would have been YES. Last week it would have been YES, if he can show me that he wants me and only me. That he would be satisfied with our life, that he would want to build a life together. Now, so much has been said and unsaid. So many truths have been shared. So many lies have been discovered. My answer now is: I am not sure. I do not trust him. I do not trust him with my heart. I do not think he will ever be satisfied and I deserve more. He hurt me in a way that no one ever could. He betrayed our life, our relationship, our future. He betrayed me in the cruelest of ways possible. He is leaving me with all the pieces to pick up while he runs and plays. Could I ever forgive him for all this hurt. The answer is simply: I do not know.  I know I love him but I do not like him right now. I know I miss him but am angry with him.

I need the strength to get through this. I feel like I am going a bit crazy.

I knew I had lost

We travelled to India with our families to visit the land. When we got there I could see him hiding to make plans to see her. I looked at his mom, my mom and wondered what to do. I heard him talk to strangers to find the best secret hiding place. That night he snuck up to the roof. Everyone said follow him. I did. She was there. She saw me and she cried. His mother just looked at her son in disbelief. I look at him. He had a smile on his face, a tiny smile of joy, the one that played on his lips during sex- a little smirk. He looked at me like an as annoyance. A fly to be swatted away. A marriage certificate was pulled out. Screams about cheating on me were yelled by family members. All I could do was stare at his smile, his hand holding hers and I knew that I had lost. Then I woke.

Much to my avail, the dream continued the next time I closed my eyes. The girl gave him drugs. That is why he is this way. His brother and I rescued him and brought him home. He denied that drugs were the cause. He loved her and wanted to be with her. I walked away and did not recognize the person I was speaking too.

A chance

It finally dawned on me that you did not give our relationship another chance because of her. You were already in la la land.

And I find that the hardest part to deal with. Everyone gets another chance. Without it, I am feeling unsettled.

But those are my feelings. Those are my emotions to deal with. The unfairness of it all, kills me.

You already defend her like she is something special in your life. She is already. You know details and stories about her life. You have feeling for her and because of those feelings you are not giving us another chance.

You are running away into the arms of someone else. Do you know how hurtful that is to me. Do you know how that devalues our relationship- me?

I have let you go. You need to go. You need to get this out of your system. You need to find what you are looking for. It is not a mistake that you are searching for answers. You would have always been searching for someone else and perhaps that is why our relationship was the way it was. You were never fully committed and I felt that. Maybe that is what I needed to realize all along.

You once put a quote out there for me about revealing my disappointment in our marriage and from there our friendship could flourish. I am slowly started to see how things were. I am slowly started to see that you checked out a long time ago. I am slowly starting to see that you were never happy. It was not fair to me. To us even to you.

I'm not sure why I am not the girl for you. I thought you were the boy for me. I know that I need to date to see if that is even true. I think you need to date in order for you to figure that out too. We both have alot of growing to do before I think we can ever make a decision about our future. If a common future even exists at this point.

I know you

I think you are running away? You have said so many things. I am not sure what is true. Nor do I think you know either.

You told me you are looking for the possibility of another. That in itself should kill me. It does. But I think I know you. I can not hate you. Most would. I know you. I feel that I am bigger than that. Our our world was bigger than that. I know you.

I have to let you go to explore. I know you.

Talking

I wished you would have talked to me. I wished you would have told me your inner truths. I wished you would have trusted me with them.

Maybe you did and I was not listening.

I know you did but I did not listen. I was too scared to listen. I was in a fantasy world all on my own. I wish you would have shaken me. Mixed me up. When you still had faith.

I would travel to the end of the earth with you.

Come to bed

We all Iive in a fantasy world. Come to bed and let's explore ours. The time we have is so limited. Let's not waste the fantasy. Reality is so harsh. For a fleeting second lets be happy.

I need a good-bye worthy of the beginning.

The truth will set me free.

My dear Pussycat, the words you spoke tonight set me free. You think I seek the truth to hurt, I do not not coward behind truths. I learn from them. You would like to explore to wonders of India. I too would like to explore to wonders. I too am famished. I thought we would could explore the world together. I had no set plans. You never asked me. You assumed I had everything planned. I lived on your timeline. The only thing I wanted from you was love. I have given you freedom. For the love of god, I understood that you needed to buy a place with your best friend to be in order for you to be safe. If there is anyone that every understood and patiently waited by for you. It was me. I understood your insecurities. I patiently waited for them to pass. I understood that you needed to take baby steps .

And now you explode. Why because the thought of having children scared you? We would have been everything you ever dreamed of. I know it.

I realize now that you my dear are more fucked up than me. You always took care of me and I realize now that I needed to take care if you. I am fine. I know what I want out of life but you my dear sweet Pussycat do not. I feel sad for you because you could of had it all if you just would have believed. Because you had it all. It was not perfect and maybe it needed a shake up but the life you would have lead with me would have fulfilled you to your dying day. It could have been exciting!! You just never gave me the chance. I am so much more than you think I am. Thank you for making me realize it.

Instead you choose to drift. You will find happiness. It will be fleeting. But I can provide you with eternal happiness. If only you would believe.

I spent so much time wondering what I did wrong. Why did you fall out of love with me. I have made mistakes but they are just mistakes. They do not define me. I realize now, that I am not the problem. You are. You are so scared of being an adult. Facing reality. Even as beautiful as it might be. That you will run.

I am not sure if I can wait until you run out of steam. I am not even sure that you will ever be satisfied with what is right in front of you.

You are running scared Pussycat. And finally I am the STRONG ONE.

Turning mistakes into Gold

I want to rise above all of this pain and find meaning. I want to rise above all of this regret and find the silver lining. I want to rise above all of this self doubt and find power. I want to rise above all of this and grow. I do not want my mistakes to define me rather I want to turn all my mistakes into gold.