Eve of my 36nd bday

Life has been a whirlwind lately. So many things have happened. As I sit on my balcony in the Miami heat I wonder what my 36nd birthday will bring to me. 

My horescopes prideicts a year of change and happiness. I thought I already went through change and then I realized that I changed. My circumstances changed in the last two years but I finally changed with them. I have new friends. I do new things. I say yes to new experiences. I take risks. I act in the name of fun. I took on a new job and I like it. Dare I say I am happy??? Dare I say that I look forward to what life has to bring me. I'm free. Free to be me. 

Maybe that is the best birthday gift a girl could ever get. The idea that she can finally be herself and love every bit of who she is finally becoming. Herself!!

Girl friends???

So Angelo has a girlfriend. Enough said. The guy whom I never saw a future with but the first guy who actually felt a pitter patter with. I have not seen him in over a year. Haven't really talked to him in months. 

It oddly bothers me a lot. If he did not have a girlfriend than I was okay. If he did not have a girlfriend than there was nothing wrong with me. 

I think he's my sign that the fun times are over and I need to grow up. If he could change than so can I. 

I'm gonna say goodbye to my "wild youth" and be an adult now. 

Unless he breaks up ;)

Laugh all you want.

Someone is laughing so hard right now at my expense. Honestly I just want to give up. A person can only take so much rejection before character building takes a wrong turn. 

There is something flawed in me. Something that everyone sees and does not want to be apart of. 

I've been on a high for a while now. I thought things would change. I felt happy. I felt like things were about to change cause I changed. I was so wrong. Everything is against me. Life is what....seriously giving what I need not I want. What? I need to feel like shit all the time? I need to face constant rejections? I need to finally feel normal only to realize it's a facade. I need to turn that frown upside down. 

 I'm so tired of trying. I'm so tired of the world laughing at my expense. I want to stop trying. There is really no point. I can not do this anymore. I want to just be all alone. I no longer want anything more for me. I tried and I am just not strong enough. I give up. Laugh at me. Please. You won. World. Just laugh. 

On and on the carousal goes…..

Life just keeps on happening. Even if you want to stop for a minute and breath. Life keeps spinning around you. Once in a while, I think back on my life and I cannot believe who I am, what I lived through, where I am and where I might possibly be headed.

The ride I am on makes me dizzy sometimes. The carousal keeps on spinning and doesn't care if you want to get off. That might actually be a good thing because there is something propelling you forward. Something propelling you to become something more than just a ceramic horse just going along for the ride. I want to be an active participant on this ride. I’m starting to enjoy the carousal ride and hope that it keeps going on and on…..