Just cause it was me.

This is me. No anger towards you just totally scared and hopeless. I turn towards you cause you love Pepe. 

I just walked and posted the streets extending myself in a radius much farther than my house. It is 5:30 in the am. The time they say is best to search for a cat. I have done this all week. I have searched at night too. When I believe he would not be as scared and respond to my voice. 

I do not know where he is. I do not know what to do anymore. It is a week tomorrow. 

The weather is warm. We missed our appointment this week cause he is missing. I just want my cat back. The one who has been totally in love with me. The one who meowed all night and kept me up for days cause he was scared. The one who if I patted my bed would jump right in and when I petted him would quiet down. Just cause it was me. 

The real world

I'm gonna state the facts and leave all emotion out of my message. I figured you might possibly care to know about the real world. 

Pepe has been missing since Saturday night. He been out and about for about a week and had stayed in my new place without going out for 3 long weeks of cuddling and meowing. I let him out Saturday around 7 and I have not seen him since. I was home and ready for him to come in at any time. 

I have gone to the SPCA filed a report, the Berger blanc, I have posted pictures all over my neighbourhood, I walk the streets, early morning and at night. David knows to look out for him. Neighbours have called to say they saw him Monday or Tuesday. I walk the streets calling his name. Is he mad? Is he lost. I know he is not dead. I hope he is not dead. Would that be better than a scared cat lost wondering where I am?

I know we once had a conversation that if Pepe would have died instead of tigger cause of his aliments I would be okay. I am not okay and I take it back. 

I spread his cat piss around my neighbourhood so he can pick up his scent. 

Not sure why I am contacting you other than I think you might care about your cat and should know. 

The real world continues even if you are not part of it. 

Perfectly perfect for right now.

My new boy is much younger. He is really fun, funny and the exact amount of mellow that I require in my life right now. 

He is a distraction. A good distraction. One where I can totally immerse myself in a world of make believe, fun and generally just feeling giddy at all times. 

He can make me forget for just a min or two how much things in my life are up side down. How my heart hurts cause my kitty cat is lost out there. How my anger boils over when I think of Robert. 

He is a calming force. He makes me smile. He is perfectly perfect for right now!

I want my kitty cat to come home right now!

My dear sweet cat has been missing for almost 48 hours now. I have searched and search and have not found him. I am trying not to panic but something tells me my last morning with him was Saturday where we cuddled on the couch together! He purred and purred and wanted affection. We have been deeply in love once I moved. He has been a true champion and hasn't complained too much about not being able to go outside.  

I really hope that of all things that have gone wrong this year that this is not one of them. I am constantly looking outside for him. My heart is beginning to hurt. I want my kitty cat to come home right now!

I wish I had asked why years ago.

If our whole lives together he was unsure, always looking for the next romantic love story why was he with me. Why could he never let me go? Why did he live with me, buy a house with me? Why? Why? Why?

He was constantly searching. Why was he with me? Why did he fuck with my head so bad? Why did he just not leave me alone or break up with me years ago. Why did he keep me around? Why did he always look around? Why? Why? Why?

I wish he had. I wish he would have left me years ago. I wish I had really looked at him and seen who he really was. I think my mind was so clouded by my heart that I really never saw how unfulfilled he was with us. I wish I had asked why years ago. 

Fingers crossed!

So I went on a date tonight with a friend of a friend. In theory he is probably every I should want. If I was that girl looking to add up all the pluses He does add up. Good job, honest, nice guy. 

But really at this point who wants that.  I have a really hot guy that I am talking to that I have not met.  But he for some odd reason gets me going. No idea why but he does. 

I'm not ready for a good guy. I need my time to explore. Construction Steve Is actually a boy I pray that sticks around. 

Fingers crossed.