Go after what you want...

So essentially I have to go after what I want hardcore. For the last year I pushed myself so hard to get a job. I worked all the time. I lived and breathed work. I was fully emmerced in my work and I loved every moment of it. It payed off. I was offered a full time position and I could not be happier. 

It dawns on me that with most things in my life I want them to come to me. This was something I fully pushed myself to success. I found my dream job and I got it. 

So why do I think anything else I want in my life will be handed to me. If I want to get fit. I have to push myself and go to the gym. If I want that guy. I have to push to find him. Attract him and fall in love with him. 

I do have someone in my sights. Not sure exactly how to go about it. But if I want it to happen I know that I have to push myself out of my comfort zone. I know I can't make someone like me. But I can try everything in my power to let that person see the real me. 

It's about time that I work hard to get everything I want in life. This passerby attitude is getting old. 

Why do I blog?

Hmmm.. I do not blog much. It was an outlit. It's actually a place where I can look back on my progress if I was so inclined. 

Christmas is always a hard one for me. I loved Christmas. I adored it. It was magical for me. Until m, It has lost all its magic. 

Having a person ruin your life even if it's a life you no longer want with that person's End it was 2 days before Xmas ruined the magic for me. I always remember the utter pain in a magical time. 

Everyone is so happy for the holidays. They all have these emmence plans. I watch, I see, I hear, I have no one. I feel an ache in me around the holidays because I feel reminded every single day how alone I am. 

I have my family. I am with them. I feel the love. But something is always missing. My family. My own little creation. 

I feel almost like I have to stop. Stop wanting it. It passed. That was my life. This is my new life. Accept that I will be alone. Stop trying. I have tried. No one ever seees me? Maybe there is nothing to see. I feel like I can't keep on trying. Everything lost its magic. 

Belly chains...

Belly chains or possibly charms? My friend created an inspiring chain for me with charms that numbers that imply and invoke a meaning for me. I picked 3. I love design in threes and the next number she asked I said 6. The age my nephew will be in a month. Voila my belly chain. One she told never to talk off. One she blessed! 

Hmmm do I believe ... I started wearing a bracelet recently from my mom all the time for confidence. I used to have a pair of earrings from my ex( never wear again even though I love them) that I wore if I felt anxious. 

5 days later I have a full time job offer. 

I asked her for sex beads and one for love on the double. You decide. Right now I'm not taking them off. Lol

Bitter to the very last bite!!

I'm becoming that very bitter person that everyone talks about. Looks at everything with a very jaded eye. I have no control over it. 

I worked with a lady for years that was the epidamy of bitter. Life had frowned upon her and she embraced it. I do not know all her stories. She was closed lipped about it all. 

All I know is that people never give anyone any slack for not having that horror story to tell about.No austic child. No parents who have passed away. Or maybe we do have one...,but they never realize that being lonely is one of the most icolating feelings. One of the most incredible, overwhelming feeling that exists. You listen to everyone all the times about having a family and understand why they can not do something but no one ever understands being alone. They think it would be a vacation to watch tv alone for days on end with no one to bother them. 

No one around. Just you and two cats on a Friday night. Making you bitter to the very last bite!

Ache in my belly

Right now I'm so anxious I could crawl out of my skin. 

For a week now I had a guy call me every day. Tell me I was super interesting. He thought I was amazing.  We meet up on Friday for a picnic. To be honest he was not my type but I'm so willing st this point to look beyond that and focus on the person. Their personality. Long story short he ends up telling me that there is no connection. I'm not sure if there was one either but I was willing to explore it. 

Now my stomach hurts because I let my guard down a tiny bit and got excited. I thought wow feeling like this is kinda fun. I got high off of feeling good. 

Problem is your crash equally as hard and now my belly hurts. 

It will pass. I know it will pass. I am stronger than this. I will figure out that magic formula and make myself strong again. Until then I'm off dating. 

The return of cuddle monster...

Hmm so I have rules. Guys I have been with in the past and that we got along and were good and I was never disrespected I have no ill will towards. I have few that come out of the wood work every once in awhile. Hmm yummy Angelo. Construction Mike and cuddle monster. 

Last night, I gave into better thought and hung with cuddle monster knowing exactly the outcome and intention of the evening. Then randomly I find out his mom died that day. That day. Yes I do not make this shit up! I'm the girl you had sex with on the day your mom died. Pretty crazy shit to be associated with. I'm

Like well this is over before it even gets started. 

All you can do with a stranger who decides to share a moment in their life with you is give them a hug. A hug that you hope clearly expresses that you feel for them but you do not know them. 

Cuddle monster actually was not so cuddly...

Not a good girl but....

Speaking to a friend last night at a friend's bday we contemplated good girls verses nice girls. I'm like yes I'm a good girl cause I think I figured inside I still feel like that good innocent girl that I was my whole life. BUT truly I'm not a good girl. Im not offended by casual sex. I do not run away screaming when a guy makes a sexual joke to gage my reaction. I do not cary around a pure white hanky!

But just because I'm not a good girl anymore that does not make me an bad girl or not a nice girl. I think it just makes me more interesting. 

I had a moment where I wondered if that why I am still single?? Maybe it is. I do not know. But I do not care. I know that the good girl inside of me might have missed out on all the good, bad, weird & amazing experiences that make me me At this point in my life. 

I would not want to be that good girl anymore. But maybe just maybe I should bring that good girl back a tiny bit because she believed in love, she was not so jaded and she had hope.

Something to think about!

Lost all its magic

Angelo's back in the picture but not really. He's being typical Angelo and this time round I really just do not feel like waiting around for him. 

The good guy in my life. I do not have feelings for and I do not think he has them for me either. Plus he had company last night. Whatever that means. Plus I'm always the one to intiate hanging. I'm fed up of asking. I want to be persued. 

This whole dating thing is not getting any easier. It's actually just getting more annoying. Ughhh dating ceases to be fun anymore. It lost all its magic. 

You quietly disappear..

I'm checking off goals career wise off my list. I've never been so fulfilled as I am now career wise. I'm enthralled. I'm engaged. I'm emmerced. But I'm so alone. 

I'm not sure why I have to learn everything alone. Im not sure why my life exists without a partner. I know I needed to discover me but I'm getting to a point where I wonder how under-desirable I am. At work everyone has a mate. Everyone has kids. People said you would meet people in your new work place. They are all married. I'm embarrassed by my life. I'm single and no wants to get to know me for me. You never announce that. You quietly disappear. 

A person I will forget..,

Cathartic is the word of the day as I actually realize as my friend goes though a post we never should have continued after we break up heart break up that I do not give a shit about my ex. It snuck up upon me. I always thought I need that closure to say my piece. I really do not care. Wow. Is all I have to say. No idea why? I just do not care anymore to actually have that talk that was so important. I guess I'm finally okay. It's weird. I dwell on being alone. I hate that I am but for some odd reason I really do not give a fucking rat's ass about him. He  is really nothing to me. A person I knew. A person I will forget. 

And the cat came back...

Boys are a mystery. I will not claim to be able to interpret their actions or their of lack of action. All I know is that Greek boy is back. I think! 

He's been around for almost 8 months. We really have nothing in common except one thing: an insatiable amount of chemistry. 

He magically disappeared around a month an a half ago. I was more upset cause I was really not ready to give him up. I've never experience chemistry on such an animalistic level. It's actually quite intoxicating. I thought love always needed to be part of the equation. 

I thought in my head that he must be in jail cause why else would he disappear. No one gives up this kinda shit!

He says he's been going through some shit. Probably lying there was probably another girl. I really do not care....

Cause the cat came back :)

Owe it all to him!

HI have a new job now that I love. Adore actually. It's all about writing which brings me back to an essay in university I wrote for a fem class I took with my ex. I wrote about the colour purple. He helped me write that paper. He taught me how to write. I can not stop dreaming about him lately. There are all these scenarios that keep on taking place. I want these thoughts to stop. I'm a writer. He helped shape me. I want it to stop. I'm just joting down thoughts. I want them to stop.  

Why cause I bear no significance in his life. I feel what I feel when I feel it. 

I know that he never ever has that moment where a memory of us catches  him off guard. 

 

Really do I owe it all to him?