Why do I blog?

Hmmm.. I do not blog much. It was an outlit. It's actually a place where I can look back on my progress if I was so inclined. 

Christmas is always a hard one for me. I loved Christmas. I adored it. It was magical for me. Until m, It has lost all its magic. 

Having a person ruin your life even if it's a life you no longer want with that person's End it was 2 days before Xmas ruined the magic for me. I always remember the utter pain in a magical time. 

Everyone is so happy for the holidays. They all have these emmence plans. I watch, I see, I hear, I have no one. I feel an ache in me around the holidays because I feel reminded every single day how alone I am. 

I have my family. I am with them. I feel the love. But something is always missing. My family. My own little creation. 

I feel almost like I have to stop. Stop wanting it. It passed. That was my life. This is my new life. Accept that I will be alone. Stop trying. I have tried. No one ever seees me? Maybe there is nothing to see. I feel like I can't keep on trying. Everything lost its magic.