Glass half full or half empty or simply refillable!!

I've become such a negative person. I'm defining myself by my unhappiness and my utter loneliness. 

So I'm going to try for the next seven days to find at least one thing in my day that was positive or made me happy starting today. I'm going to resist the urge to complain or dwel on negative events in my life. 

My friend Amber texted me today. I have not heard from her in awhile. It was nice to quickly chat and catch up. 

I finally started my new painting. It is simply the background but I feel good when I paint. 

Lara texted me to walk. I did not go but it was nice to be asked to do something especially when I spent the last three days alone. 

It's hard to resist the urge to complain. All I want to do it tell you all about all the guys who are jerks. But that's pointless. I wanted to try dating again but I think I'm just going to get off online dating. I think I'll just focus on me. I've wanted to loose weight for years. I think I have to make that my focus right now. I got a Fitbit and for the last 2 weeks I have been pushing myself to walk like crazy. I have to also maybe do a diet thing. 

Maybe I'll start a weight loss blog and track my progress and then maybe I'll have to be accountable for all my actions. I think I will. It feels like a great idea 😊

Life is just a little tease!

Ahhh so you go after what you want. You get it. It is dangled right in front of you and voila like magic it is taken away. 

Oh well. What are you going to do. It was fun while it lasted. It was a fun way to spend the holidays. 

Now back to focusing on me hardcore. 

Life is such a little tease!

Go after what you want...

So essentially I have to go after what I want hardcore. For the last year I pushed myself so hard to get a job. I worked all the time. I lived and breathed work. I was fully emmerced in my work and I loved every moment of it. It payed off. I was offered a full time position and I could not be happier. 

It dawns on me that with most things in my life I want them to come to me. This was something I fully pushed myself to success. I found my dream job and I got it. 

So why do I think anything else I want in my life will be handed to me. If I want to get fit. I have to push myself and go to the gym. If I want that guy. I have to push to find him. Attract him and fall in love with him. 

I do have someone in my sights. Not sure exactly how to go about it. But if I want it to happen I know that I have to push myself out of my comfort zone. I know I can't make someone like me. But I can try everything in my power to let that person see the real me. 

It's about time that I work hard to get everything I want in life. This passerby attitude is getting old. 

Why do I blog?

Hmmm.. I do not blog much. It was an outlit. It's actually a place where I can look back on my progress if I was so inclined. 

Christmas is always a hard one for me. I loved Christmas. I adored it. It was magical for me. Until m, It has lost all its magic. 

Having a person ruin your life even if it's a life you no longer want with that person's End it was 2 days before Xmas ruined the magic for me. I always remember the utter pain in a magical time. 

Everyone is so happy for the holidays. They all have these emmence plans. I watch, I see, I hear, I have no one. I feel an ache in me around the holidays because I feel reminded every single day how alone I am. 

I have my family. I am with them. I feel the love. But something is always missing. My family. My own little creation. 

I feel almost like I have to stop. Stop wanting it. It passed. That was my life. This is my new life. Accept that I will be alone. Stop trying. I have tried. No one ever seees me? Maybe there is nothing to see. I feel like I can't keep on trying. Everything lost its magic. 

Belly chains...

Belly chains or possibly charms? My friend created an inspiring chain for me with charms that numbers that imply and invoke a meaning for me. I picked 3. I love design in threes and the next number she asked I said 6. The age my nephew will be in a month. Voila my belly chain. One she told never to talk off. One she blessed! 

Hmmm do I believe ... I started wearing a bracelet recently from my mom all the time for confidence. I used to have a pair of earrings from my ex( never wear again even though I love them) that I wore if I felt anxious. 

5 days later I have a full time job offer. 

I asked her for sex beads and one for love on the double. You decide. Right now I'm not taking them off. Lol

Bitter to the very last bite!!

I'm becoming that very bitter person that everyone talks about. Looks at everything with a very jaded eye. I have no control over it. 

I worked with a lady for years that was the epidamy of bitter. Life had frowned upon her and she embraced it. I do not know all her stories. She was closed lipped about it all. 

All I know is that people never give anyone any slack for not having that horror story to tell about.No austic child. No parents who have passed away. Or maybe we do have one...,but they never realize that being lonely is one of the most icolating feelings. One of the most incredible, overwhelming feeling that exists. You listen to everyone all the times about having a family and understand why they can not do something but no one ever understands being alone. They think it would be a vacation to watch tv alone for days on end with no one to bother them. 

No one around. Just you and two cats on a Friday night. Making you bitter to the very last bite!

Ache in my belly

Right now I'm so anxious I could crawl out of my skin. 

For a week now I had a guy call me every day. Tell me I was super interesting. He thought I was amazing.  We meet up on Friday for a picnic. To be honest he was not my type but I'm so willing st this point to look beyond that and focus on the person. Their personality. Long story short he ends up telling me that there is no connection. I'm not sure if there was one either but I was willing to explore it. 

Now my stomach hurts because I let my guard down a tiny bit and got excited. I thought wow feeling like this is kinda fun. I got high off of feeling good. 

Problem is your crash equally as hard and now my belly hurts. 

It will pass. I know it will pass. I am stronger than this. I will figure out that magic formula and make myself strong again. Until then I'm off dating.