Welcome little Matteo into the world. My best friend had a baby boy last week. My heart is filled with happiness for her growing family. My heart feels like it is being smacked in the face. My heart is raw. My heart is jealous. My heart wants.
I saw my nephew yesterday. He is 24 months and is the light of my life. He is the only one right now that get me out of my head. His sweet little smile. His boisterous singing. His intense kisses make my heart sing. If only for an instance.
Since the day I met Robert, I wanted to have his kids. I wanted to meet those curly haired strangers. I wanted to feel the first kick of the baby with him. As crazy it sounds but I wanted him to hold my hand during labour and tell me he is proud of me. I wanted to wake up in the middle of night and groan with him that we are up again. I wanted to experience it all with him.
When my sister had David, one story that always touched me was about my brother in law. The way he held my sister during labour. How is looked at her with such love in his eyes. I know I have romanticized this painful experience. But it is an experience that I always wanted to share with him.
I always thought he would be an amazing father. I know he didn't think so. But I know. There is something deep inside him that would enjoy getting to know his son or daughter. He would be such an amazing creative, loving influence.
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